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A good guy friend of mine, who happens to be a divorced dad with two kids, took issue with the advice I gave the lady who wrote in the other day. I told her to stop pining away over some dude who’s got baggage (read: a soon-to-be ex-wife and a couple of kids).
He said (outside this particular guy still being technically married) that a man with kids could move onto a new relationship and be a wonderful, supportive and loving partner. That he could manage his new love life, as well as his fatherhood and his relationship with his ex properly, if he’s a good and self-respecting man. He said that when women skip over men simply because that man has a child, they could be missing out on what could be a wonderful and life-long love.
Well that’s beautiful, and I agree, a woman with no attachments can find a wonderful life partner in a man who already happens to be a father, but if she can find love in a man who doesn’t already have the instant family, why wouldn’t she? I mean there’s a reason that meeting, dating, falling in love, marrying and then deciding to start a family is considered the ideal. It’s because it’s ideal. I just feel like as a young woman with no attachments, she has a shot at that ideal. I think she should go for that, first.
My friend said kids don’t have to be viewed as "baggage." He’s dated women with kids and so have his friends and he doesn’t wanna be passed over either, by could-be romantic interests because of his own children. (Neither do I, but such is life).
I’m sure there are plenty of men who don’t mind dating women with children, but I promise you, no single man who doesn’t have kids is cruising Black Planet looking for profiles who specifically have the “I have kids” box checked. (Do people even go on Black Planet anymore? I haven’t checked my profile in like 7 years). Certainly those men are looking for other attributes, beauty, brains, ambition, is she funny, is she down to earth … and perhaps if she has all of those things plus a kid, well maybe he can accept that. But the kids in and of themselves? They’re a con, not a pro, in the dating pool. That’s all I’m sayin.
It’s a harsh and personal reality for me. I get that my becoming a single mom hasn’t increased my desirability. I know that, put up against a woman with the same characteristics I’d like to believe I have -- charisma, beauty, intelligence … all that -- I know the chick without the child, who has all that stuff too, probably registers a little higher on a guy’s list. I get that and I accept that. It’s one of the reasons I fought so hard not to be a single mom in the first place. Who wants that? (Though, believe me there are worse things). But still. Any dude who wants into my bedroom, my calendar or my life in any respect has gotta feel a different kind of pressure than he might feel dating a woman with no attachments. He has to know that at some point, I’m looking for him to settle down and be step dad. That’s right. Step dad. Because I am now part of a package deal. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about right out the gate, but I don’t have time to spend on some man frivolously any more. I’m somebody’s mama, y’know? (Except, of course for my new thing … LOL. He’s just for play. But he’s outta town so that doesn’t count right? Look, I’m grown).
Anyway, that’s my take. What say you?
-- Mel
By the way, I looove this song. (Though when it came out I couldn’t have been further from this reality. How the winds have changed).
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