Sweet Semen: Once only a dream, now a reality lol

… And speaking of sucking dick. Okay, I know we weren’t but is there ever a bad time to talk about fellatio? I think not.

So I was up late googling the other night for keywords I will not reveal.

Wait, sidebar: Freepaysite is the shit. Thx for that, Single Male.

Anyway, I was surfing the net and came across this product, not sure how new it is, but I’d only dreamed it up a few years ago. Somebody seriously jacked my idea and brought it to fruition. Kinda pissed about that. Anyway, there’s this pill guys can take to sweeten the taste of their semen. Go figure. It’s called Sweet Release. Only comes in apple, but how tasty is that!

Perhaps some of you avid indulgers have heard of this, but it was a bit of useful news to me. And they have a comparable product for women too! Only comes in lemon, tho. I dunno how I’d feel about tasting sour.

Apple flavored cum. Yumm-o (as one of my fav TV cooks, Rachel Ray would say).

And guys, the stuff is supposedly good for you. I pulled this from the site:

If you want to enhance your oral sex life and surprise your lover with a fantastic new experience, then Sweet Release masculine formula is for you! Sweet Release is a dietary supplement, when taken twice a day, will within 7 to 28 days change the scent and taste of your semen. Your semen will change from an unpleasant salty flavor to a delicious apple flavor. Sweet Release is a 100% natural herbal and totally vegetarian food supplement specifically developed for men. There is not a product like this anywhere!

Health Benefits for Men:
Our saying says it all: "Come for the sex! Stay for the Health!" We have combined health benefits into Sweet Release, giving it a unique combination nowhere else ever seen.

Somebody try this stuff and tell me how it tastes. Thank ya kindly.

-- Mel

30-day money back guarantee, too. Just sayin. : )

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The Illusion of Fidelity: Is it just as good as the real thing?

Every woman wants a faithful man. A man who takes care of home, remembers favorite colors, important dates and little hints like, "I love that dress," made on a whim. We want him to be there when he says he's gonna be and call if something comes up; to make the bedroom rock at least a few nights out of each work week and only, only, ever, ever, ever give it to us. We can agree on that right?

But how bad is say, 8 out of 10, really? I mean, what if he's everything you want him to be and does everything you imagined your knight would do, with the exception of exclusivity? Is the illusion of fidelity enough?



I'd gotten to the point some time ago -- I mean scraping the bottom of the man barrel, y'all -- when I thought that perhaps it was. Long as the rent gets paid on time, he doesn't slack off at home and he always crawls in bed next to me before the sun comes up, I thought I might be cool with that. I mean, his phone isn't ringin all crazy after hours, random bitches aren't knockin on the door proclaiming they're fucking my man and unreasonable amounts of money aren't unaccounted for ... Maybe that could work. Admittedly, I'm not completely past this thinking.

Call me jaded, but I feel like the alternative, "you must never place your penis anywhere else for the next 80 years until you die," is scary to most men at best (hell, its scary to me) and unreasonable, borderline impossible, at worst.


You tell me, does it really matter if he occasionally gets it in? (Protected, of course, and I'm not talkin about a full blown emotional love affair).

What do y'all think? Is the illusion of fidelity as good as the real thing? Perhaps it's just good enough. It should be noted tho, that a guy who is sleepin around has to put in some real hard work to keep our women's intuition quiet and our investigative skills at bay. I dunno maybe that's worth somethin. Just sayin.

Hit up the survey to the right, please and thank ya.

-- Mel

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It’s the Vids or Me: Is porn cheating?

Dear Melyssa,

I can’t take it anymore. Several nights out of the week around 3 a.m. I am awakened to oohs, ahhs and ass-slapping coming through the walls from the computer room. My man has this thing with porn, he watches it entirely too much as far as I’m concerned and our sex life is suffering.

I kinda feel stupid for being jealous of chicks on a screen, but I am. He spends hours on porn and gets back into bed tired and uninterested. WTF? We’ve been together for two years, living together for half that time and I’m about ready to call it quits. It’s not like we haven’t tried things. We’ve made our own videos, but he prefers to watch the pros. I’ve dressed up for him,a ll types a shit … even tried a little back door action which I had NO interest in. I did it for him. I indulge his needs and his fantasies. But I have to draw the line at this.

It’s not even like it’s an “us” thing. He likes to watch them alone. He says I’m overreacting and that every man loves porn. But I got one foot out the door. I love this man, Mel, but do you think I have a big enough reason to leave?

-- Tired of Competing

Dear Tired,

Every man does like porn. I like porn too, actually. (My fav sites are dreammovies(dot)com and magicmovies(dot)com. Great daily evolving selection of flicks and all free. Plus, you can stream full length vids, not that clip bullshit.) Tangent, sorry. But it’s an occasional variation for me. (How dyou think I was able to remain celibate for over 2 years?) Not a necessary five-times-a-week requirement. If I had a regular boyfriend, I’d probably indulge even less.

Perhaps your guy does have a problem, I dunno. but regardless as to whether it’s an unhealthy obsession or a harmless hobby, it bothers you and he doesn’t seem to be concerned with your feelings. I think that’s a bigger deal than analyzing his activity. If you can’t deal with it and it’s a big enough deal that you’re seriously considering leaving, and he refuses to do anything about it, I don’t think he loves you enough.

Sounds like a huge leap, jumping to such a definitive conclusion of his affection for you based on one lil habit. But that’s what love does, right? If you don’t like it, it makes you uncomfortable and I don’t need it anyway, then I won’t do it. Or at the very least I won’t do it in your presence. You can’t even get that respect. He’s got the speakers and shit all up in the next room.

Perhaps an argument over videos isn’t a big enough reason to leave a relationship, but your partner’s refusal to validate and address your feelings while making tangible and conscious strides to fix what you might feel like is a deal-breaker in your relationship, is. Personal opinion.

Two years really isn’t that long, anyway. Chunk the deuce.

-- Mel

Got a query? Want a second opinion? Holla.

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Head Count: How many’s too many?

I hate this question but in most burgeoning relationships, it’s something like an inevitability. It always comes at the median in your time together, when things are on the verge of either becoming serious or falling off.

In my experience, it’s always after a particularly heated session. Sheets crumpled and bodies exhausted, he rolls over, meets your eyes and hits you with it.

“So, how many guys have you been with?”

Argh are you serious? Who really wants to know that? Really? I’m not convinced any man wants a truthful answer, (learned that the hard way. Once) So I’ve taken to making things up.

I mean, there’s so much pressure packed into that little question and no mater how nonchalantly the subject is broached, it’s absolutely a fork in the road. It matters. This is where you’re either approved as next level material, or condemned to a forever lesser status in his eyes.

So for a woman in her mid-20s, what’s a reasonable head count? How many’s too many?

Good question. I have no idea, but I’m open to suggestions. Seven’s been my lucky number for several years now. It’s been my experience that men don’t believe 5, and whince at 10 and 11. So I’ve settled on 7. Of course, I was using that number as my head count in college, and here I am knocking on 30, so perhaps I should up the tally.

Guys, what say you? First of all, you should never, ever, ever ask a woman that question in the first place. But should you be brave enough, what’s an acceptable response? Really.

Just wanna make sure I get it right. LOL Thx!

-- Mel

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VIP Dick: Guys who skip the velvet rope

So I told ya’ll about the married guy that I’ve been having a text/phone affair with that I’ve been going back and forth about hooking up with. The “back” is because my moral compass continues to nudge me to the right as I steadily insist on drifting to the left; the “forth” is because dude has the stamina of a work horse and knows me oh so well.

He’s an old flame. He’s a family man now, but when we reconnected on Myspace several months back, it was like 5 to 7 years ago all over again. Like no time had past. I fell right back in. (Thx Cutie and others for the words of warning. I KNOW I need to heed them. Lord, give me strength).

Anyway, I guess one of the reasons I’m having such a hard time definitively telling this guy no, is because I never really have before. Ever. Hooked from day one, ya heard. : )

Not only have I never told him no, I have expressly, in the throws of passion, sworn to him that I would always tell him yes. You know, “This is your pussy … I never want you to stop fucking me … ” and all manner of other things. I kinda meant that shit, too.

He’s one of my VIPs.

You know, the dudes who get in through the VIP entrance; who do not have to wait in line; who do not have to meet the same standards you might apply to other partners; who don’t have to call two days ahead of time; for whom you’ll drop just about anything that can be dropped when he’s in town; and you lay that shit out for him when he gets there … that guy. They just get to slip right through the velvet rope, no ID check, no pat down, no hassle by security, none a that shit. Aaaallll love.

I know we women know what it is, but I think the idea of VIP dick is a little known phenomenon among the male population. Even the guys that are walkin around holdin their celebrity members don’t always know what they’ve got. A male friend of mine was completely confused when I told him about it.

“So what is it like a secret society or something?” he asked.

“No, not exactly. I mean, my VIP might not even make another chick’s list. It’s just the guy who does it for me, for whatever reason. Digital, for instance.”

He knows the whole sordid story behind that fiasco, so he immediately understood the example.

“Ok so it’s just a dude who got you hooked from the gate and you just can’t let it go,” he paraphrased.

“Yeah, something like that.”

I’ve actually got a couple on my list. Two. And of course everybody else falls into a pyramid-like hierarchy; you don’t like everybody the same. Some you like better than others, some you like better for some things than others, or at some times … But those select VIP dudes … man! Whenever, however, whatever. It’s like that.

Ladies, who knows what I’m talking about? Guys do you have a comparable category for women? I wonder.

-- Mel

Jay said it so well ...

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Day After Pill the Day Before: How trifling is this? I need to know …

Okay I need some feedback. (well not me) LOL …

Say, you’re with this dude right … and it’s about to go down. Clothes are off, bed linens are strewn and it’s riiiiight there and you’re like, “um, dyou have something?”

And he’s like, “Yeah.”

More rubbing around …

Again, you say, “um, you need to go get something if you don’t have something.”

And he’s like, “okay, lemme run out to my truck.”

What the fuck was he thinkin, right? You left the shit in your truck? Ugh.

Anyway, so he comes back with it, but again with the bare rubbing around.

AND THEN … The slip in. NOOOOOooooOOOOOoooooOOOO!

So good, but so bad.

“No, no, no” you say between your own ecstatic gasps and his vigorous pumping. “You need to put it on.”

"Don’t worry, I’m not bout to cum,” he pants.

And three thrusts later, the pulsing. Damn.

These are situations the day after pill, commercially billed as Plan B, was created for. Well, sort of. Times like this one, days when you’ve accidentally missed your pill a couple times in the past week, the condom slips or breaks and of course if you’ve (God forbid) had forced sex. It comes in a handy little $45 pack at Walgreens. If you’re over 18, all you need is an ID to buy it. No prescription or anything. Good stuff.

So that’s what you do. You and dude run up to the Walgreens in the morning and purchase a Plan B. As long as it’s taken within 72 hours of unprotected sex, it’s said to be effective.

Only, it’s Saturday morning. Honestly, your sex-filled weekend just began. What’s the harm in waiting till Sunday morning to pop the lil pills? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

I’m JUST ASKIN! Geeze.

How trifling is it, assuming neither of you is worried about contracting disease, to have a second long, sweaty, hedonistic night of rough, rugged and raw sex, while both the latex and the Plan B sit on the nightstand? (Shouts to M.)

Hit up the survey on the right. Holla.

-- Mel

Sorry for the somewhat cryptic posting. I dunno what to say. Kids, strap up.

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She put out, but he won't give it up

Dear Melyssa,

I’ve been messing with this guy I like, and I want to, but we haven’t really hooked up yet. Before I can sleep with a guy I have to have that emotional connection with him first so, we only did the whole oral thing at first. Mostly on him, actually.

My and my husband were separated for about five years and I wanted to have one last fling before we got together again, so I spoke with the "tease" and it seemed like he wanted it as much as I did but ...

it just never happened.

He no longer works at my company (yes, this all happened at work). His main excuse is that he did not want to "dip his pen in the company ink". So he still calls me right and he still tells me that he wants me and we make plans to see each other later and again he leaves me hot and bothered.

So here's my thing -- Say what you mean and mean what you say. I'm a spoiled brat and I have always gotten my way, except for him. Now I don't know if I really still want it or if I simply want it because I don't have it. It's funny how a girl will play around with a man's head (no pun intended) but it's a completely different game when the tables are turned. This sucks! I feel like I'm 12 again.

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

I haaaaate dudes like this. Ugh. Ive had one. Frankly, if you’re hittin him off with head and he’s finishing, he doesn’t really need the other. So first, cut that shyt out.

That’s even if you still really even wanna eff with dude. He sounds pussy to me, quite frankly and it seems like he’s playing with your head. Haven’t we all been on the other end of that phone call, tho. The one where you’re telling him you wanna do this and you wanna do that knowin that you may or may not even have real intentionsof doin shyt like that. It’s just nice to have the attention … to know there’s someone you can call who’ll stroke your ego quite nice for a few minutes, and then you’re good. Sounds like that’s why he’s keeping this charade with you. Not to mention the dome. : )

I totally understand not wanting to take no for an answer. Who the fuck is he to say no anyway!? Right? Girl, I’m right there with you. But this is how you flip it – stop calling him. Just stop. And when he calls you, don’t pick up. Right now you’re chasing and he clearly likes it that way. Change directions on his ass. After he calls a couple of times, pick up, like, “Hey what’s up. Chillin, whatre you doin, hold on … (talking in the background). Hey lemme call you right back.” Then don’t.

Either he’ll play his new position and up the ante, or he’ll stop calling. Either way, you're the one who ended it. And isn’t that the point? LOL.

Go get it in with somebody else before you settle back into the happy housewife role. Forever is a loooong time. : )

-- Mel

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Pitty Pussy ... just pitiful. Stop it, ladies

Ladies, y'all know what this is, and unfortunately, we’ve all done it.

You thought you wanted it, you said you wanted it, you acted like you wanted it, then right before you’re set to get it .. ehhh, not so much.

Sure, no means no. But what if you say yes, yes, yes, then when the package is unwrapped you wanna send the gift back? When’s it too late to say no? Right after the panties hit the floor? Once the condom’s out of the wrapper and wrapped around? Two, three pumps in? LOL. (Ive actually done that before. Not pretty. Yes, really. Awful).

But really, what’s the alternative? Goin all the way through with what you’ve begun in an effort to keep up some ill-applied finish-what-you-started mantra? And before you know it, you’re having what? Sex, because you feel sorry: Pitty pussy. A sad set of affairs, indeed.

For me, this is some old shyt. This is some shyt that went out in 2000. Me and a couple of my closest girlfriends were like, “fuck that, I’d rather be called a tease.” And so I’ve been, ever since … lol. Kidding.

And really, in out late twenties, we should be past all that point-of-no-return bullshyt, anyway. If you do or say something stupid and I change my mind, then that’s what it is. Imagine my grave disappointment then, when one of those same dear friends that made that pact with me almost a decade ago, recently relented.

“I mean, I felt so bad for him, we were at the register and he just pulled out his credit card like it was nothing … he bought this … he bought that …” she went on.

I’d heard it before. I’d said it before.

“He sends flowers to my job for no reason … he’s always a complete gentleman … I hadn’t even let him feel me up …” she continued.

I’d said all that.

“So when he moved in for it, I mean, what could I do? The nigga earned that shyt,” she rationalized.

Mind you, she’d been leading this dude on for months, spending his money and accepting his invitations to go here and go there with hardly a tongue kiss exchanged at the end of the night. He really had put in some work for that ass. (Just to keep it 100 tho, a lot of that was dude’s fault. A grown ass man is not gonna do all that shyt while you keep him waiting to eff for no effin reason; clearly date other people; and haven’t even shirted dude yet. <-- let him take your shirt off. Just sayin).

So anyway, I understand her feeling guilty about nothing goin down. She was not attracted to him and had been playin like she was. Terrible. But f*ck that! That means he gets to get it!?

I was like, “c’mon man, we made a pact like 7 years ago. That shyt is dead … damn.” So disappointed. But not more than she, so I tried not to make it worse.

It’s not as if I didn’t have a story of my own. The year was 2000. I was a senior at Hampton University. Good times. So there was this guy, let’s call him Blake. Corny name, for a corny dude.

Anyway, he was cool, we’d had a good time together, he’d come through and we’d eat and drink and laugh and all that good stuff. Anyway this one night, we started to get down. I’m naked, he’s standing in his boxers and he pulls it out. I think a strong wind of reality must’ve blown through at that exact moment, making him rigid and simultaneously drying me up. LOL. It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. I mean, I know everyone’s not hung like a mandingo. I get that. Some guys are larger, others aren’t, but this dude? This dude was muuuuch smaller than your average. I mean, to the point where he KNEW how sub par his package was. He'd clearly heard it before.

He pulled it out and was holding it like, “It’s kinda small … I’m sorry it’s so small … is it big enough for you?”

Are you F*ckin serious!? What the f*ck was I supposed to say to that!? I SWEAR this really happened. I can still see it like it was yesterday. I am ashamed, and sickened to my stomach to admit that I lied back, in the obligatory V and let him have at it for the longest 3 1/2 minutes of my life. God forgive me.

This same dude hit me on LinkedIn the other week, btw, hadn't heard from him since school, talkin ‘bout, “we should get together for tea one day.” He'd recently moved to my hood. Yes, he said tea. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Pitty pussy’s dead, nigga. Nothin doin.

Holla.

--Mel

After thought: Do guys go thru this? There a such think as pitty d!ck? LOL. Just askin.

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And in today's garbage ...

Kobe likes to cum on chicks faces, choke em out while hitting it from the back and other points of TMI you may or may not have waned to know about your favorite NBA star, over at my other blog, Candy Coated Trash.

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Putting it in -- Overtime

Dear Melyssa,

I know how you love juicy stories. Well I got one for you. I’ve been getting it in with this dude at my job for the past three weeks. I work in the office, he works in the storage room in the basement. We have done it all, Melyssa and at work too! I’m talking about head in the office supplies closet, fu*kin under my desk after hours and all kinda shyt. I don’t know what it is about this dude, he’s just so sexy. The sex is GOOOD, Mel. Dude is packin and all that. He makes me love going to work.

But things have started to take a turn. It was all cool in the beginning, we would go at it in the evenings after the office had cleared out, or we’d get in the back of his delivery truck at lunch and that was it. I have a man at home, so I can’t be stayin really late, but he won’t get suspicious about me being an hour late. But dude at work is really feelin me and he’s telling me he wants me to be his girl and he’s gonna tell my man how good I suck a dick and he’s askin me, “does your man know how wet I make this pussy,” while we’re doing it. It has me kind of freaked a little bit. So I’m trying to back off and leave him alone, but I don’t know, from what he’s saying, he could be the stalker type. How can I let him down easy and get out of this? Any thoughts?

-- Puttin in that OT

Dear Puttin in that OT,

Ooooh you KNOW how I love a juicy story! And this def feeds my appetite. LOL. Wow, so it’s that good, huh? Maybe I need to find work outside the home ...



Right, lemme get back on task. So all good things must come to an end and it’s time to wrap this lil rendezvous. I feel you about ending it. It has to end, right? You got a man. But I’m not sure that dude exactly has stalker tendencies. I mean, the shyt you say he says tyou in between thrusts is kinda hot, if you ask me. Just sayin. But I guess the reality of your home situation is makin you nervous.

If you’re gonna end it, you need to just end it. I think you should just tell dude you can’t freak him all in the supply closet anymore, you both know the relationship isn’t going anywhere and it would be best to stop. If you think mentioning being faithful to your man as a reason for the split will send him into a jealous rage, don’t mention your man. Tell him your coworkers are getting suspicious about the way y'all look at each other or about the long lunches you take.

But really, if he’s a psycho stalker, it’s not gonna matter how you break it to him. His craziness is gonna come out regardless. In that case – and this may sound drastic – but in that case, you need to be on Monster.com right now. Not only does this guy have the potential to ruin your relationship at home, he can very well ruin your reputation at work, too. And once the office is buzzing -- which, whether you know it or not, it may already be – the psycho may not even have to tell your live-in. Some jealous bitch a couple cubicles down might do it for him.

Bottom line, end it once and quickly. DON’T GO BACK! He’s most definitely gonna try to put in on you one last time because you’ve already shown him you’re weak for the d!ck, but don‘t go back. End it and keep it moving. Avoid him in the hallways, take your lunch at a different time and cut it off. Then keep your eyes and ears open for psycho behavior and by all means, post your resume. G'luck!

Lemme know how it turns out.

-- Mel

Want some sage possibly useful advice? Holla.

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He won’t make her his chick but he wants to make a flick. Foul?

Dear Melyssa,

My friend has been talking to this guy for about two months (they are not official), and one day he texted her and asked her to make a video. She laughed and told him no, but in my mind, I was like she should have told him off. In my mind, it’s disrespectful. If a guy that I was with asked me to do that, I would think that he would show it to someone on that "oh look what i got" tip...and if he gets angry with me or whatever he could put it online and have my business out there. If my guy really respected me, he would never ask me for a video (pics maybe), because he already has me. I think he was just trying to see how far he could go with her, and was treating her like a jumpoff.

Now she argues that it isn’t disrespectful because he only pressed once and when she said no he let it go. And she was like, mad dudes she knew would ask their girl for a video and it wasn’t a big deal. And finally, she said that he would never show it to anyone. So, we put it to the test.

We both contacted some of our male friends and asked them what they thought. We got the same response...if it was his girl, then yeah they would ask, but keep it private...but if it was someone they were just messing with, they'd still ask for a video and then show it off on a jumpoff tip. And they all said that in her case, because she is not official with dude, he was probably treating her like a jumpoff, or like she was set out (one of them thought it was me and wanted dudes name and address on some "don't ask my lil sis that shit" type-steez).

So what is your opinion? Is that disrespectful or not?

-- Not no Kim or Paris

Dear Not no Kim or Paris,

I’m with you and the guys. He is definitely treating her like jumpoff status. If she was his girl, ehh, it’s still iffy as to whether at some point in the future he would show it to someone.

Sidebar: This is why if you ever do do anything on video you should always retain the only copy. But then,we’re in a digital age and there are no such thing as copies anymore. Dude could just email the vid to himself so quick and so fast, before he even rolls over and hands you his phone so you can delete the show. So really, it’s just not smart.

And TMI: I got one a those floating around in the stratosphere somewhere and when I get famous, I might have to put a hit out on dude.

Anyway, yeah I think his asking your girl to do it for the cam is definitely disrespectful. Especially since he had the nerve to make this request, which is a pretty big deal and requires a huge amount of trust (or stupidity) without even making his relationship with her official – which he knows he could do if he wanted to. He just doesn’t want to.

But you say you already got a concensus from some guys whose opinions you trust and she still won't listen. Sometimes you can't tell people, they just have to see it (all on the big screen) for themeselves.

Still, tho. He got his nerve. SMH. Lol.

What y'all think? Vote on the right.

-- Mel

PS Is she in his Top 8? Just askin.

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My guy wants a Threesome w/a dude. Homo?

Dear Melyssa,

My boyfriend of a year wants to have a threesome with me for his birthday. I know the threesome is supposed to be every man’s ultimate fantasy, but get this, he wants it with another dude! I was like, WHAT!? I don’t know what to do. I mean, I love him to death and I don’t want to give him reason to get bored with our sex life. And honestly, if he wanted to invite another chick into our bedroom, tho I’m not bi, I might think about it just once. But another dude?

I can’t get past feeling like that’s kinda gay. He assured me he doesn’t want nothing to do with the dude as far as the actual activity, all the attention will be on me. But still . Is this a red flag? Is my man gay?

-- Sandwiched

Dear Sandwiched, (Love that) : )

Wow. Im gonna read thru your letter one more gain –

And wow.

Okay, there’s so much. First off, no a threesome with two guys, in my opinion isn’t necessarily gay. But unless somebody’s getting paid for it, there’s a camera man with a boom and a director that just hollered roll tape before the action began, that’s some bitch ass shyt. Personal opinion. I don’t even understand how the guy drilling the front stays hard, all face to face with dude bangin the back. I don’t get it. But then, I don’t have a penis, so perhaps I wouldn’t.

What may be just as big a question as your man’s sexuality tho, I think are his intentions with you. You said it’s been a year. Really, the sex should still be poppin. If he feels the need to bring a whole lotta extra people in the bed, especially at this early stage in the game, perhaps it’s not so much that he’s bored with regular sex with you as it is he sees you as a why-not type of chick.

Want her to do this? Why not? Do that? Why not? F*ck that dude? Why not? Suck this dude … and so on and so forth. A fun freak, if you will. LOL. Maybe not, I’m just sayin. But I guarantee you there are some women that he would never in a million years make the request that he’s made with you. Furthermore, he’s been in relationships before where the very thought of his chick up under another hard-chested, sweaty man, pounding away would give him knots in his stomach and cause his fists to involuntarily tighten at his sides. It seems like you’re not that girl.

And that’s okay, if that’s okay with you. When you describe your relationship by saying you’ve been together a year tho, and make no mention of an open clause, I get the feeling that that kind of regard for said relationship isn’t okay with you.

Lemme tell you what a dear guy friend a mine told me: If they share, they don’t care. Pretty much sums it up, huh?

So, gay? Ehh. Maybe. But definitely disrespectful as f*ck.

-- Mel

PS If you do do it tho, Holla. I wann hear alllll the details. : )

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Rationing Relations: Putting up with him/her not putting out

Unfortunately, I’ve been on both sides of that there stop sign. : ) Neither view is pretty, believe me.

I was having a conversation with a good guy pal of mine the other day about the rationing of relations. He happens to be in a long-term committed relationship with his girl, but lately when they get in fights, she takes to closing down shop ie, her legs.

Not cool.

“I mean who does she think she is,” B ranted. “She think her shyt is so good that I’m supposed to beg? Man, I can hold out as long as she can. My shit is good. I put in work.”

Funny dude. And I’m inclined to agree. (Not about the D game, I wouldn’t know anything about that as we’re not that kind of friends). But really, if you and I are in a committed and sexual relationship, you’re supposed to be puttin out. Period. It’s not often that we ladies have to raise sand about not getting our due – I mean most of us can’t pump gas without some straggler trying to give us the D – but I’ve had a couple of run-ins with guys who, like the King of Pop, would rather climb trees than have sex. (Remember when he said that, sitting on a branch on TV no less? That’s when I knew Michael was crazy).

Well maybe just one guy. The first guy didn’t really like eating the appetizer which is a bit of a prerequisite for me, I’m just sayin. (Entirely too much business, I know, but I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine. Stay with me).

Anyway, he had a spiritual awakening and said he just wanted to be abstinent. Seriously? I mean, I can certainly respect one’s desire to straighten their walk, but don’t drag me into that shyt. LOL No, I’m playin, but really, at the time, I wasn’t ready to make that moral commitment, and his unilateral decision was f*cking my evenings all up. Had to let it go.

Sidebar: I so get the whole abstinence thing now, tho. In 2008, I’m on some “I have the gates of heaven between my legs” shyt. It’s not goin down. <--- And that’s not easy, by the way. I’ll blog on that later.

On the flip side tho, I’ve held out for well over a year before, no bullshyt. My girlfriends didn’t even believe me when I told them this, but yeah, really. A full year and then some. Let’s see, nearly nine months of pregnancy (it may have still been on for a few, shortly after conception, but that's about it) plus eight months (that’s how old my son was when I finally got the hell out of that crazy situation) that's just about a year and a half of celibacy. Damn.

My girl was telling me how strong I am, and if she were me she’d just have to break down and get with the BD (baby's daddy). But I did that time standing on my head. LOL. I could not stand for my baby’s dad to touch me. He was an abusive, controlling, obnoxious and generally horrible person and though he didn’t look any different physically than he did when I had been attracted to him, I became repulsed.

Women are like that, tho. We can’t just have – well most of us can’t just have – emotionless sex. If the relationship isn’t right the sex will suffer. (Men work in the opposite way, I think, trying to fix problems in the bedroom). Anyway, I was so emotionally removed from that relationship, I slept on the futon some nights. It was really bad. I should have been gone long before I was, but I desperately -- and foolishly, at all costs -- wanted a two-parent home for my son. Soo over that, by the way. He’ll be just fine.

So talk to me ya’ll. How long have you held out? How long would you hold out and how long would you wait on him or her to move past the stop sign to a green light?

-- Melyssa Ganache

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Geo-Monogamy: A regional relationship

You guys ever heard of this geo-monogamy? I was just introduced to the term recently by a gal pal of mine. I suppose this kind of relationship isn’t new, and just to put it all out there, I’ve been in one of these regional relationships before. You know how it goes … When you’re in town, we’re together. Nobody’s knockin on my door and you’re not answering your phone. But as soon as you take off for that flight, it is what it is. Been there. Done that. I get it. And for me, it was cool for a while. Until I started catching bigger feelings and wanted to be more than the main chick in my region of the United States.

So I can’t even imagine being in a marriage like that, sharing a child a mortgage and a life across state lines, and crossing marriage vows every time you cross those state lines. I don’t think that could work for me. But that’s what my girl does.


They have a house in one state, where she works and lives with their son, but he’s in the navy and stationed in another state, where he has his own apartment. Every other weekend, he hits the highway and comes home to be with the fam, but outside of that, his life is his own.

Technically, my girl could rightfully enjoy the same kind of freedom, only her husband’s absence really makes her more like a single mom (and I for one can vouch for the romantic constraints suffered due to the whole single momdom thing. Taint easy, ya’ll).

So in actuality, she ends up being the faithful wife and doting mother, while he lives the single life in his bachelor pad and gets to play daddy/husband in his spare time. What kinda shyt is that. I can so not relate. But this is what really got me.

This is one of my best girl friends so we share lots of our business with each other, but her hubby came home one weekend, two bags of dirty laundry in tow, as usual. But when she went to go through it and throw some things in the wash, she finds makeup all over one of dude’s shirts. Foundations, lipstick and it smelled of a woman’s perfume, she said. Between you and me, whoever the bitch was she probably did that shyt on purpose. I mean who is that messy?

Well my girl flipped out. She wasn’t mad necessarily because he got it in, like I said their relationship is one of geo-monogamy, so that’s allowed. What’s not allowed though is evidence of the indiscretion. Yes, there are rules! I couldn’t believe it when she gave me the run down:

No unprotected sex
No oral sex
No outside kids
No large gifts ie schooling, expensive jewelry, rent etc.
The chick can’t call or visit the house they share
And when he’s home, he’s home. The chick does not exist. That means no evidence.

He broke a cardinal geo-monogamy rule, I suppose. You guys ever heard a this ish? I for one, couldn’t do it.

-- Melyssa Ganache

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Long Distance: Finally, a relationship that works

I’ve been pretty candid with ya’ll about the current lack of a man in my life. I have no problem attracting them, but it’s so daunting to wade through the bullshyt, and now that I’m a mom, it’s even more detrimental that I be dilligent about my choice of company. What was once a bit adventurous at best (yknow, getting dressed up and heading to the meat market); and just tiring at worst (coming home with tired feet from those 4-inch getem girls with a cell phone full of numbers belonging to men with no promise); is now damned near impossible (a girl can’t even get a babysitter these days, you hear me?).

Anyway, I think I may have found something that works for me, (at least for now), fits perfectly into my schedule, requires little and feels just good enough, every other night around 11:45 p.m. It’s also great for flexing those creative muscles. (I’m a writer and if you don’t use em, you’ll lose em).

Wait for it.

Phone sex!


It’s no revelation I know, but actually, to women in my situation, it kinda is. I mean, I’m not technically a newbie to the whole idea of telephone relations. I made a two-year, long distance relationship work with consistently imaginative phone phucking – Okay, a year and a half maybe. That last six months we were both getting it in elsewhere. We were only human after all. But it was a fantastic run, lemme tell ya.

And right now, I’m not in a position to try to be trying to lock somebody down in a committed relationship anyway. One day, after some of this old drama that continues to rage in my life has died down. But right now, a nice lil convo and an equally nice climax and I’m good. 

And thank God for Myspace. That’s where I reconnected with my current phone friend. He hit me on my page a few weeks ago after having lost touch for a couple of years. We shared a few explosive memories (dude used to put it down, yall. Down) and kinda just fell right into our first session.

Very nice. Just a little TMI I felt like sharing, and perhaps a viable relationship alternative for you ladies who like me, would like a little but don’t have the time or interest in the chase, the games or the risk. Now you know. 

--Melyssa Ganache

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Beat it up, beat the rap: Why do men think good lovin solves everything?

I was having a conversation with a good guy pal of mine the other night. I love talking to him because he always gives me good fodder to write about. Anyway, he was complaining, as he often does, about the loveless relationship he desperately wants out of. He and his girl have been together for a couple of years and it’s headed no where fast. But you know how these things go. It takes a while to break up and it’s hard to make a clean split. So anyway, he shared with me one of his little remedies for keeping the peace at home, at least for as long as he plans to be there. Angry sex, he says. Shocker.

“Sometimes I don’t even wanna do it,” he told me. “But if I really effed up, I’m in a bind and I know there’s no way I can defend myself, I’ll just grab her and kiss her …” And it’s on and poppin, I guess.

When in trouble, put the lovin on her. Seems to work for him. And I don’t think it’s a method lost on many men.

It’s a principle even my not yet two-year-old has grasped. Whenever I catch him opening and slamming drawers and cabinets I shoot him that look that stops his little hands cold. He immediately puts his head down with this coy look he’s absolutely mastered, scampers across the room to me, climbs up my legs into my arms like monkey bars and smothers me with kisses. He’s a baby casanova. And after he’s hugged me and kissed me and said, “love you mama,” (I looove it when he says that) I’m supposed to not feel like scolding him anymore.

And clearly, grown men are no better. Put it down and problems are supposed to disappear. Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice, hot, angry, rough sex session as much as any other gal -- LOL. Really – But I absolutely hate to be done. Please don’t do me. Don’t act like we’re gonna have a real conversation about real concerns and all you’re looking for is a pause in my ranting so you can interject and enter-ject. At best, it’s a temporary solution, anyway. Whatever the shyt was we were arguing about will undoubtedly come back up sooner or later. (Perhaps sooner than later, depending upon how good that deviation was.) : ) I started reliving some of my fonder memories under this new light that my guy had hipped me to and I think I’ve been taken a few times more than I care to admit. Good times, tho. Good times.

-- Melyssa Ganache

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Baby Daddy Benefits: Who's cashin in?

Since he dropped the seed and you both dropped the relationship, can daddy still drop by?

Just askin.

Before I became a member of the single mom club, I had no idea that the notion of Baby Daddy Benefits even existed. Apparently, its quite common.

I was chatting with a guy friend of mine on the phone. He loves to tell me his business. Anyway, he told me how he could call his babys moms whenever, let her know when hed be around, and when he touched down (he lives out of state) she would get rid of her man and that @ss would be waiting. He said she now does all kinds of shyt she never did before the baby. Errything, tossin salads, freaky lingerie, roleplay and all that. (Guess she wasnt goin all out before. Maybe thats why he left her in the first place. Just a thought). But anyway, the question was posed to me, does my babys daddy get Baby Daddy Benefits?

Its no small-known fact that once a man has had a woman, he always thinks of her p#ssy as his. Something like cumming on you (or, in you, in our cases) and a dog pissing on his territory, marking it to ward off other horny males. I know it makes absolutely no sense, but Ive heard it explained by a few of my guy friends and Im confident theyre not alone in their thinking, obtuse tho it may be. And if thats so, its no stretch of the imagination that a woman whod actually born the seed of a man would have an eternal claim placed on her p#ssy. For ever.

Baby Daddy Benefits can be redeemed in the form of a quickie right before he picks the kids up to take them to the park or some deep throat when he drops off diapers. LOL, I dunno, Im just sayin.

I know these so-called benefits, or lack thereof, probably depend upon the particular situation, how the relationship ended, who cheated on who, other relationships you or he may be involved in all that. But by show of hands, assuming you are not involved in an agreed upon monogamous relationship with your kids papa, whos still getting it in with the babys daddy?

My hands down, by the way. That ni66a comes poking round here again, hell get his puny little d!ck cut off. For real.

-Melyssa Ganache

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How important is sex in a relationship?

I was having this conversation with one of my best guy friends the other day. I call him Rev Kev because he’s the one I talk to when I’d like a man’s opinion with a little Holy Ghost on the side. Just keeps everything balanced, don’t it? (He’s also a very talented musician, by the way. Check out his myspace).

Anyway, so I was bitching to him about the lack of a man in my life, as I often do. He’s so kind to listen to this crap. So I ran down my ever-lengthening list of “must-haves” and one of the top entries happens to be killer sex. Problem?

Rev Kev seems to think requirements like that are exactly my problem. He says I put too much emphasis on sex.

Nonsense.

I’m not sayin sex is the absolute most important thing in a relationship. Absolutely not. I think trust takes that slot hands down. However, good sex is pretty high on my top 10. No, mind bending sex won’t make a relationship in and of itself, no matter how good the d*ck is. But bad sex can damn sure ruin an otherwise good relationship. I’m just sayin.

After all, what is a great relationship, with open communication, wonderful chemistry, love, trust …. All that shyt, without sex? A GLORIFIED FRIENDSHIP. I’m just sayin.

(Why in the world do I even field such questions with someone who’s prone to give me such stick-in-the-mud suggestions anyway? Because my girls are liable to have me out there bad with the wanton-whore advice they pass out.)

How ya’ll feel?

-- Melyssa Ganache

Wanna know more?
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at my other blog on

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Single Mom Standards (Tho the dope boy still turns me on)

At some point in time, every girl wants to f*ck with a thug. Don’t act like it wasn’t you. You may not wanna marry him and bring him home to papa, but you want to get down. ESPECIALLY girls out the burbs. Case in point (points to self). I hate to be that girl. And the only reason I’m telling y’all this is because I expect I won’t be the only one with similar stories to share. Do share.

And really, I thought I was past that good girl/bad boy stage. It’s so high school, right? I mean, I’m a grown @ss woman, dog. I need a man who’s neck tat doesn’t show above his collar line, who’s FICO score is a 7 (at least a 6 and climbing) and who has some work history. (More importantly, some work present.) I mean, I KNOW this, right? But yall, I had a near setback the other weekend.



I went to this hole-in-the-wall club in VA with a couple of girlfriends from college. What the hell we were doing there, I have no idea. I was entirely too sophisticated for that mess, okay? Bullet holes in the wall and errything. And I was about ready to just put down my drink, (in a glass I was reluctant to even put my lips on), and be the f*ck out.

That’s when I saw him.

He had to have been 6’3, strong, built like a grown @ss man, dark chocolate and leaning up against the bar drinkin on his dark liquor and smoking on his Black. I saw him and he saw me and I knowd dey wuz a God. (Who saw The Color Purple on B’Way? Fantasia ripped it. Tears y’all. I cried).

Before I could rein it in, my imagination had escaped me, dreaming up all kinds of hot, sweaty scenarios with the dark stranger who’s pants hung low off his hips. I imagined him atop me (pants around his ankles, like a thug do, you know) … astride me … behind me … twisting my body into all manner of hedonistic positions … That Plies line from “Shawty,” rang in my head – “She used to run from the d!ck, now she like pain.” Damn.

Be patient with me yall, God is still workin on me.

I mean, even after I snapped back to reality, I just wanted to ask that man what he was drinkin on so I could get him another one, you hear me? It must’ve been all over my face because he motioned for me to come over. I’m thinkin: What? Negro please. When was the last time a nigga motioned me anywhere and I came? What, 2000? You wanna holla at me, you need to come see me.

Shiiiyt, you know how quick I got my ass over to that bar in my stilettos? Light speed, y’all.

But does the reality ever live up to the fantasy? His shirt pronounced that he was a “HUSTLA” in a bold, bling print, but getting any more information was a task. It was loud and the bass was pumpin, so I tried to give him a pass, but my man’s conversation was seriously laggin. I must admit, I did take his number, but to my credit, it layed dormant on the dresser for two whole days and I left it there when I checked out of the hotel.

I mean, what would have been the point? Through the clarity of sober reflection, it came to me: If I don’t want my son to be like you, you can’t be with me. Simple as that.

So that’s my new standard. Let’s put a list together, Single Mom Standards. You'll find the beginning of the check-off roster to the right. So tell me, mamasitas, what dyou go by when deciding if a man deserves your time?

I’ll be checking for responses, but mean time, I’ll just bump my Ciara and fantasize. That man was fine.

- Melyssa Ganache


Can’t Leave Em Alone - Ciara

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Somethin strange for some change: What wouldn't you do?

I am a firm believer in the old adage, never say never. You don’t know what you’ll do in a given situation until you find yourself, in real life and without warning, in that situation.

You think you’re not that bleach-pouring, clothes-burning chick, until you walk in on your husband in bed with the house wife from next door. Or maybe you’re not the type to cheat, until the man who has everything you’ve ever wanted suddenly wants you too.

Not that you don’t know yourself as well as any -- And certainly if there’s any indicator of future behavior it’s past transgressions, of which you may not have many -- But still …

You don’t know what you’d do till somebody shows you the cash and asks you to do it.

I’m just sayin. Never say never.

So tell me ladies, what’s the most uncharacteristic thing you’ve been asked to do, cash on the table? Never found yourself in such straits? (Perhaps it’s just me). Okay, then tell me this, what wouldn’t you do for the right price? Don’t say money’s not a factor, or you wouldn’t do anything for cash you wouldn’t do for free. Hogwash. Let’s be honest. Go.

-- Melyssa Ganache

Sidebar: I am sooo effin mad I missed Cheri Dennis tonite. In short, I live way out in the boonies of NJ and missed the train to the city. My cab to the train station was late and I got my heel caught twice in sidewalk cracks. Really stuck. It took me a minute to wrestle it free. Anyway, the next train wasn’t for an hour and I was like eff it. I picked up some wing zingers from Chicken Holiday on the way home and called it a nite. It’s just as well. I was gonna meet up after the show with a former male co-worker with whom I have nothing but ill intent. No good. :)

Wanna know more?

Get all the personal details

at my other blog on

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You kiss your baby with that mouth?

About the balance of single motherhood and single womanhood ... It is a tightrope, aint it?

When my baby was born, I became a changed woman. And most of the changes, I welcomed. I love motherhood and I knew I’d be giving up a few things in order to be a successful mom. But damn, can I just have a couple of them back?

I had no idea that within a brief nine-month period, the mouth that had once, thru much study and research, gotten felatio down to a scientific pattern of rhythm and pressure would be forever changed. The mountainous breasts - oh so soft, but just firm enough - that had once been the downfall of many a disciplined man, would be hidden away for what seems like ever; and those home-wrecking hips would have no further need to swing. I’m playin, y’all. I’m playin. : )

No, really.


But seriously, the only action I'm gettin lately is giving my baby boy zerberts. And the boobs, he’s just sucked dry, y’all. Dry. Who knew that God made boobs to produce milk? All this time? I mean, really.

So he’s 15-months old and I just wanna know: Where is the balance between single motherhood and single womanhood? In other words, when does mama get to get it in?

I’m not talking about a 10-years-later re-adaptation of that drunken threesome you had in college. (You did have a drunken threesome in college, right? Don’t act like I’m the only freak here.) But I’m talking about the much more mundane aspects of having a sex life. Like … having sex, for instance.

I guess I’m having trouble, not just literally, (although, that too) but morally, reconciling sex as a single, with single momdom. I’m having my own Madonna/whore complex meltdown. I mean, I feel guilty about kissing my baby boy with liquor on my breath, so ... clearly … how can anything else go down? (No pun intended).

So I confided in a couple of good friends last weekend about my dilemma. We’ve been girls since college. One of them said something that was so poignant, I have to share. It hasn’t really helped me, but maybe if you’re going thru the same struggle, it’ll help you. So Ayana says:

“Don’t act like BD’s are the last balls you’ll ever have on your chin. That’s stupid.”

Wow. Indeed. Well when it’s broken down like that … See that’s what friends are for.
And so, I am a woman. And according to one of my best girlfriends, that’s ok. (Nevermind the balls on Ayana’s chin are her husband’s and the father of her child, or that we happened to be in town together in the first place for Katia’s bachelorette party.) Katia, who was amping me up to take the very well hung stripper out to the parking lot and put it on him like she knows I can (or used to, perhaps). “You deserve it,” she coaxed.

I need new friends.

But really, it’s not the same when you’re getting down with your baby’s daddy, or even your kid’s stepdaddy. I mean, what kind of whore do you have to be to go out and have frivolous sex, or worse, come in and have frivolous sex and you’re supposed to be a mom? Ok, that was a loaded question. Just tell me this. I need to know:

Single moms, how do you get it in?
(No judging. Promise).

-Melyssa Ganache

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