Why single men shouldn’t date women with kids

Bringing the seeming self-
deprecation to a feverish climax, I present: 13 Reasons Not to Mess with Women with Kids:

My guy Gyant grabbed this from BlogXilla.com. I’ve quoted it here verbatim, thus the first person account. (Both a y'all motherfuckers are wrong for this shit, too).

1) Baby Damage - Birth has a traumatic effect on the female form. Pregnancy leaves stretch marks, saggy breasts, and c-section scars. I’ve also heard that the nookie is even stretched out and it isn’t the same anymore. Then there’s the weight gain. Most women NEVER LOSE IT or they never get their former hot shape back.

2) “I Can’t Find A Baby-Sitter” - Women will use this as an excuse to get out of a date with you or they legitimately can’t find a baby-sitter. Either case it isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

3) Babies Interrupt Sex - I’ve had this happen to me. I was banging a woman and her kid interrupted my sex. Needless to say I was pissed. If some kid is going to interrupt the meanest head you’ve ever gotten, that kid should have your last name.

4) Baby’s Daddy - When you’re dealing with a woman and your getting to know her, you shouldn’t have to deal with the kid’s father. Some guys can’t get over the fact that their ex has moved on. Before he was an un-attentive jerk and didn’t give a jolly goddamn about her. Now that you’ve entered into the picture, the dude wants to be the ideal boyfriend and a “father of the year,” nominee. The guy stars stalking her and wants to fight you. Even if the woman and guy are on good terms, the guy feels as if he can always smash. He knows her. He knows what she wants to hear and what makes her happy. The next you know your having this conversation- “I’ve decided to try and make it work with Jimmy’s dad”. Best way to avoid the situation is to avoid single moms.

5)Rent-A-Daddy - Realizing her mistake, realizing that kids (especially boys need fathers), the woman gets desperate. Any and every guy has the potential to be a daddy. You’re out trying to get some, not inherit a family.

6)The Kids Are Still Up - This is only a problem if you're trying to pursue something other than a booty call. Wanting to spend time with you, but not wanting to bring strange men around her kids, you find yourself only seeing this female after 10 or 11PM. You want to move forward, but she has to make sure you're the “one". This could take months. I suggest dealing with women that are readily available to hang out.
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7) Double Heart Break - You are with the woman, then everything falls apart. Not only do you have to deal with losing the woman, but you’ve formed a bond with lil’ Jimmy. You and Jimmy play HALO together, watch the Wizards’ hoop it up, go to the zoo, and things dads do with sons or daughters. On top of maybe missing the woman, you miss the kid.

8) You're Not My Dad. - You hook up with the woman, eventually the issue of discipline is going to come up. Some kid being resentful or just a being bratty prick is going to eventuallly pull the “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!!!” card. Personally if I did date single mothers and some dumba$$ kid pulled that stunt on me, I would say, “You're right. I’m not your father. Since I have no authority over you and you refuse to listen to me, you need to pack your sh*t and go live with your dad.” This would be a deal breaker for me. In addition some mothers or the dad would have problem with you disciplining their kid. I’m sorry, if some kid broke my laptop, I’m whooping his a$$.

9)You Know What She's Going To Do - She already has one kid, if you knock her up, it’s safe to assume she’s going to have another one.

10) Bad Judge of Character - This female got knocked up by somebody that she was “supposedly in love with.” Not only is she a bad judge of character, she’s GROSSLY irresponsible. The same guy that’s an a$$hole now, is the same guy she thought the world of and had unprotected sex with.

11) Unnecessary Expenditures - Eventually you’ll get to meet the kid(s.) Soon those dates turn into family outings. Instead of paying for two people, your paying for three or more. The same goes if you move in with her.

12) You’ll Never Be 1 - When you're trying to build a relationship with somebody, you should be the focus of the woman’s life. It should be about you and her. If she has a kid, you’ll NEVER BE 1!!! That’s not a bad thing either, but it’s something I don’t want to deal with. Neither should you.

13)Tag, You're It! - This should be the BIGGEST deterrent to EVER dealing with a single mother. In some jurisdictions, I think California is one of them, if you start dealing with a female with kids, move in with her and things go south. THE FEMALE CAN SUE YOU FOR CHILD SUPPORT!!!! She can claim that she and the child have “become accustomed to you supporting the child.” YOU COULD END UP POSSIBLY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR A KID THAT ISN’T EVEN YOURS! Imagine being extorted money because you were doing what you thought was the “right thing.” The state doesn’t give a rat’s a$$ about the relationship being over or you being a “good guy.” They just don’t want the chick on welfare. So as far as your concerned, it’s “TAG, YOUR IT!”

Spotted @BlogXilla.com

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PS Ladies, it doesn’t have to be like the hopefully horribly exaggerated pic I posted. LOL. Really, I found this something-like-a-miracle product this summer, Nivea Goodbye Cellulite Gel. Heaven! It’s marketed to smooth cellulite which it absolutely does, but it also drastically minimizes the appearance of stretch marks on the tummy and blemishes on the face, (in like days, I swear! I was in a bikini this summer. Not a tankini, a bikinin. Goes for about 10 bucks at Walmart. Throwin it out there.

(This shit right here, nigga? This shit right here?)

-- Mel

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The Instant Fam: Add you and stir

A good guy friend of mine, who happens to be a divorced dad with two kids, took issue with the advice I gave the lady who wrote in the other day. I told her to stop pining away over some dude who’s got baggage (read: a soon-to-be ex-wife and a couple of kids).

He said (outside this particular guy still being technically married) that a man with kids could move onto a new relationship and be a wonderful, supportive and loving partner. That he could manage his new love life, as well as his fatherhood and his relationship with his ex properly, if he’s a good and self-respecting man. He said that when women skip over men simply because that man has a child, they could be missing out on what could be a wonderful and life-long love.

Well that’s beautiful, and I agree, a woman with no attachments can find a wonderful life partner in a man who already happens to be a father, but if she can find love in a man who doesn’t already have the instant family, why wouldn’t she? I mean there’s a reason that meeting, dating, falling in love, marrying and then deciding to start a family is considered the ideal. It’s because it’s ideal. I just feel like as a young woman with no attachments, she has a shot at that ideal. I think she should go for that, first.

My friend said kids don’t have to be viewed as "baggage." He’s dated women with kids and so have his friends and he doesn’t wanna be passed over either, by could-be romantic interests because of his own children. (Neither do I, but such is life).

I’m sure there are plenty of men who don’t mind dating women with children, but I promise you, no single man who doesn’t have kids is cruising Black Planet looking for profiles who specifically have the “I have kids” box checked. (Do people even go on Black Planet anymore? I haven’t checked my profile in like 7 years). Certainly those men are looking for other attributes, beauty, brains, ambition, is she funny, is she down to earth … and perhaps if she has all of those things plus a kid, well maybe he can accept that. But the kids in and of themselves? They’re a con, not a pro, in the dating pool. That’s all I’m sayin.

It’s a harsh and personal reality for me. I get that my becoming a single mom hasn’t increased my desirability. I know that, put up against a woman with the same characteristics I’d like to believe I have -- charisma, beauty, intelligence … all that -- I know the chick without the child, who has all that stuff too, probably registers a little higher on a guy’s list. I get that and I accept that. It’s one of the reasons I fought so hard not to be a single mom in the first place. Who wants that? (Though, believe me there are worse things). But still. Any dude who wants into my bedroom, my calendar or my life in any respect has gotta feel a different kind of pressure than he might feel dating a woman with no attachments. He has to know that at some point, I’m looking for him to settle down and be step dad. That’s right. Step dad. Because I am now part of a package deal. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about right out the gate, but I don’t have time to spend on some man frivolously any more. I’m somebody’s mama, y’know? (Except, of course for my new thing … LOL. He’s just for play. But he’s outta town so that doesn’t count right? Look, I’m grown).

Anyway, that’s my take. What say you?

-- Mel

By the way, I looove this song. (Though when it came out I couldn’t have been further from this reality. How the winds have changed).

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Suckey, suckey: Is any sex act more sacred than another?

I was out with a guy the other night. Really. Actually it’s our second time getting together. We went out for Thai. The convo was flowing well, the smiles were beamin and all that and he was talking about retiring to his place to watch this movie he just got on DVD. Right.

It was as good a time as any to let him know what he was in for – not much. So I hit him with my new celibacy rap. (Remember, I told you guys it’s locked down for 08, but then I had that unfortunate mishap a few weeks ago -- which I am completely over, by the way -- but stay with me; this was before that moment of weakness).

So anyway, it went like this:

“So you should know,” I began coolly. “I’m not having sex right now.”

He so didn’t know how to react. Just kinda nodded his head and took it in.

“So, you’re not having sex like … like until when?”

And with a straight face. I can’t make these things up. (Tho, I suppose it was a legitimate question. Guess he wanted to go ahead and mark his calendar; come back on a better day).

“Well, I don’t know. I just have no immediate plans to enter a physical relationship. I need to be really sure and equally serious about the next man in my life.”

Quiet.

“I mean, I like you, that’s why I’m telling you this from the gate. I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings,” I explained.

“Uh huh,” he said. “So, what, you’re waiting to get married? You found Jesus?” We laughed uncomfortably.

“I have Jesus,” I chuckled, “But no unfortunately it’s not just the strength of my faith that brought this on. I mean, I don’t necessarily plan on waiting until I’m married, but I certainly want to be able to see that kind of future with the person.”

No pressure or anything. LOL. He fumbled in his noodles with his chopsticks, bummed out and I nursed my dessert wine a little more, waiting on him to make some inevitable excuse to end the date prematurely. No point in going on if it’s not goin down, right?

Then he suddenly lifted his head as if he’d had a revelation.

“So when you say physical, do you mean just sex, or … I mean, do you mean everything?”

“Um, whadyou mean, ‘everything?’” I asked looking real confused in the face.

Is this nigga serious? Is he askin me to suck his dick over this dinner table?

“I mean, you know--” he stuttered.

I wanna wrinkle my face. I wanna cut him off and finish his sentence in a way that will let him know I am in no way game for oral sex in lieu of regular sex. I wanna abruptly top his sentence off with something like, “you mean kissing? Holding hands? Sure.” But I’m quiet and my face remains still.

His sentence is like a train wreck. I can’t look away. I really want this dude to get his complete thought out of his mouth just so I can actually believe what he’s about to say, though it will also mean I won’t be able to take his calls anymore. What’s going down right now is a direct violation of the Qualifying Process (which I’ll also be blogging on later) and his name and number will absolutely have to be deleted from my cell phone directory. Hate that. But I will not stop him.

“You know,” he leaned in over the table as if to whisper but over enunciates the word, “oral?”

I burst into laughter and choked on my wine. My sip had become a guzzle at the beginning of his last sentence.

"I mean, okay you don't do everything, but you don't mind helping your partner out, do you?" He asked, trying to clean things up but muddying them irrevocably.

“Do I what?” I asked as if I hadn’t understood him. He’d been crystal.

“I mean, if you don’t want to have sex, I understand that, but at some point, I mean, we can’t even enjoy each other?”

Okay, now he’s backtracking. He shoulda started off with “enjoying each other” but went straight for the dome instead.

“Uh. No,” I said flatly. Needless to say the conversation pretty much fell off from there and the check came shortly thereafter. LOL.

And just to keep it 100, I’m not above putting out the Magnificent <-- That's a word a girlfriend of mine made up for fire head, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be quizzed about exactly what acts I’m willing to perform and what acts I’m not as a prerequisite for you deciding if I’m worth another date. Kill yourself.

And what makes him think if I’m not fuckin that I might just be suckin, anyway? I mean, I’ve heard of chicks just going down when they won’t have sex, because it’s not as “serious” as sex, and viewed more as foreplay. I think this is more a white girl thing, tho. (Shouts to my snow bunnies. Thx for reading. Holla). And by the way I do believe oral sex is sex.

Sidebar: Tho I do still tell people I lost my virginity at 18 because that’s when I had intercourse for the first time, though at 16, my high school boyfriend was going down on the regular after 2:30 p.m.. (Rare breed. Never asked for anything in return. He was just happy to be there). But then I also don’t count the guy at college camp when I was 17 which did culminate with actual “sex,” I guess. I’ve kinda blocked it out. He’s a freebie. (We all have them; the ones who don’t count toward the grand tally. LOL That’s another blog). And anyway, that’s not the point.

I say all that to ask this …

Do you hold one sex act more sacredly than another? Is oral a free-for-all, while vaginal is coveted and anal is the holiest of holies? Or is the bedroom like a great big buffet for yall, tossed salad layed out right next to the main entrees and shyt? LOL. Just askin. Hit up the survey, please. Preciate ya.

-- Mel

Had he kept his foot outta his mouth he mighta gotten some hand action. : )

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Single Mom Standards (Tho the dope boy still turns me on)

At some point in time, every girl wants to f*ck with a thug. Don’t act like it wasn’t you. You may not wanna marry him and bring him home to papa, but you want to get down. ESPECIALLY girls out the burbs. Case in point (points to self). I hate to be that girl. And the only reason I’m telling y’all this is because I expect I won’t be the only one with similar stories to share. Do share.

And really, I thought I was past that good girl/bad boy stage. It’s so high school, right? I mean, I’m a grown @ss woman, dog. I need a man who’s neck tat doesn’t show above his collar line, who’s FICO score is a 7 (at least a 6 and climbing) and who has some work history. (More importantly, some work present.) I mean, I KNOW this, right? But yall, I had a near setback the other weekend.



I went to this hole-in-the-wall club in VA with a couple of girlfriends from college. What the hell we were doing there, I have no idea. I was entirely too sophisticated for that mess, okay? Bullet holes in the wall and errything. And I was about ready to just put down my drink, (in a glass I was reluctant to even put my lips on), and be the f*ck out.

That’s when I saw him.

He had to have been 6’3, strong, built like a grown @ss man, dark chocolate and leaning up against the bar drinkin on his dark liquor and smoking on his Black. I saw him and he saw me and I knowd dey wuz a God. (Who saw The Color Purple on B’Way? Fantasia ripped it. Tears y’all. I cried).

Before I could rein it in, my imagination had escaped me, dreaming up all kinds of hot, sweaty scenarios with the dark stranger who’s pants hung low off his hips. I imagined him atop me (pants around his ankles, like a thug do, you know) … astride me … behind me … twisting my body into all manner of hedonistic positions … That Plies line from “Shawty,” rang in my head – “She used to run from the d!ck, now she like pain.” Damn.

Be patient with me yall, God is still workin on me.

I mean, even after I snapped back to reality, I just wanted to ask that man what he was drinkin on so I could get him another one, you hear me? It must’ve been all over my face because he motioned for me to come over. I’m thinkin: What? Negro please. When was the last time a nigga motioned me anywhere and I came? What, 2000? You wanna holla at me, you need to come see me.

Shiiiyt, you know how quick I got my ass over to that bar in my stilettos? Light speed, y’all.

But does the reality ever live up to the fantasy? His shirt pronounced that he was a “HUSTLA” in a bold, bling print, but getting any more information was a task. It was loud and the bass was pumpin, so I tried to give him a pass, but my man’s conversation was seriously laggin. I must admit, I did take his number, but to my credit, it layed dormant on the dresser for two whole days and I left it there when I checked out of the hotel.

I mean, what would have been the point? Through the clarity of sober reflection, it came to me: If I don’t want my son to be like you, you can’t be with me. Simple as that.

So that’s my new standard. Let’s put a list together, Single Mom Standards. You'll find the beginning of the check-off roster to the right. So tell me, mamasitas, what dyou go by when deciding if a man deserves your time?

I’ll be checking for responses, but mean time, I’ll just bump my Ciara and fantasize. That man was fine.

- Melyssa Ganache


Can’t Leave Em Alone - Ciara

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'Ay Bay Bay!' ... On my hip

I might just stay indoors forever. Because there are no men at my house (could that be part of the problem?) No, really. F o r e v e r.

I think we can all agree, it's hard for a fairly attractive woman to pick up groceries at the Super Wally World without being picked up on, herself. (Best case scenario, he wants to carry her bags through the parking lot, worst: he wants a ride).

She doesn't even have to be fine. Single women (really just women) can't help but draw that male attention.

So we go out half expecting it. Somebody's gonna honk at you at the light or yell out "shawty!" as you pause at the stop sign, or ask you if your man knows how good he has it while you pump gas. But ladies, have you ever been hollered at while you're out with your kid(s)?

Man listen, one dude stepped to me and, after I graciously declined his offer for dinner, was like, "Ma, I'm sayin, I know the baby needs some milk. The baby need diapers, right? I'm sayin ..." <------ NO really. This really happened. An actual person said that. I must really look like I don't have a man.

So tacky.

I mean, okay if I'm with my son at Chuck E Cheese and dude is with his daughter at Chuck E Cheese, and he wants to strike up a lil convo about the kids as we supervise them bouncing around in the ball house. But outside of McDonald's Playland, Toys R Us or some other expressly kid friendly place like that, (and of course assuming his little bambino is along), don't approach me.

I know, I know, all these rules. And yes, nine times outta ten I'm gonna have my toddler right with me and that being so, could mean I'm missing out on a few good (fine and black) men. But really, if I'm out doin the mom thing, I just don't feel comfortable being stepped to as anything other than a mom. So if it ain't about the kids, keep it movin. Am I wrong? How y'all feel?

-Melyssa Ganache

And so appropriately ...

Ay Bay Bay (remix) - Hurricane Chris feat. Game, Lil Boosie, Birdman, Angie Locc and Jadakiss

Hated this song, the hook is soooo irritating. But me and Game could be together. For real.

Wanna know more?

Get all the personal details

at my other blog on

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