Monday, August 25, 2008

Ask Melyssa: She want that old thing back

ear Melyssa,

I’m a 28-year-old, single educated woman with no kids who just recently got back in touch with my high school sweetheart. We hadn’t spoken in years before a few months ago, but once we reconnected it was effortless. Back in the day, I was the one who broke things off. When I saw him again recently, he told me how he’d always been in love with me and had never stopped thinking about me. We ended up sleeping together. Here’s the predictable part -- Of course he’s married with two kids.

Yeah, got married about a year after high school. But his wife recently put him out and filed for divorce. He was devastated. He wanted counseling, a family vacation and to get back in church to help repair the marriage. She wouldn’t have any of it. So now, he’s paying child support, seeing his kids a couple times a week and staying with his cousin. He is not contesting the divorce, but at the same time, he doesn’t really want it. He wants his family and is still kinda holding out hope that she’ll rescind the papers. Like he’ll say stuff like, “if I get divorced …” I’m thinking, "what you mean, ‘if?’ Nigga, you got served!"

I am being really, really patient, Mel. We talk on the phone all the time and I listen to how he misses sending his kids off to school, how he doesn't understand how why his wife is so willing to throw away their marriage, how he never thought he'd be divorced, how he's not sure if he should work to fight for the relationship ... UGH! When will he just accept it!?

And at the same time, he says I’m perfect for him and how he misses me and wants to see me again and some more stuff ... Girl, he’s confused and he’s confusing my ass too.

I know this is all new to him and a tad bittersweet (me entering his life while his wife leaves his life) but how long am I supposed to wait for him to get his act together and accept that his old life is over and move onto a new life with me? It’s only been a few months, but we know each other well and this could definitely work out long term. Plus, he's a good dude, believes in the sanctity of marriage and has never cheated before. He's really perfect. So am I being completely foolish in this or what?

-- Reluctantly patient

Dear Reluctantly Patient,

Ah this sounds so familiar! What is this, like a running theme? Damned Myspace. You didn'y say you hooked back up on myspace but it had to be that social networking site from satan. Anway, where do I even begin? First of all the man is going through a huge transition period. Really, not even, because he hasn’t completely let go of the marriage yet. He doesn’t want his wife to leave him. He was put out. He doesn’t want a divorce, he was served papers. He won’t be able to even begin transitioning into his new life as a divorced man until he’s divorced. And then, who’s to say he’ll want to jump right back into another monogamous, committed ready-made relationship right out the gate, and should he at some point be ready to settle down again, even after juts being so irrevocably burned, who’s to say it’ll be with you? I mean, the man was married at a young age and went on to father two kids … he might just get his second wind, wanna sow some oats or something for a year or two and plunge himself back in the dating pool. And again, once he’s had his fill, who’s to say he’ll retire with you?

I think there are way too many variables happening here for you to be staking anything substantial on this might-be-relationship – namely, your heart.

So yes, you are being completely foolish, and no, you should absolutely not be waiting for him. You might just miss your blessing pining away over this man who is not ready and may not be any time soon, if ever.

Let him go, let him go through what he has to go through, let him heal from it and let him come to you when he’s able and willing to give himself to you.

-- Mel

PS Do you really want a divorced dude with two kids anyway? It's too early to be scrapin. Also, he's still married, till he gets divorced. Just throwin that out there.