Bought & Paid For: Earning sex on the side

Dear Melyssa,

A good friend of mine is engaged to a constant cheater. I want to stop her from making the biggest mistake of her life but I don’t know how to do it without alienating her and ruining our friendship, or making her think I’m jealous (I’m not married myself).

She thinks she’s found the perfect man, and on paper, he does look pretty good. He has a great job, handles all the bills, sends her on vacays with the girls and shopping trips and just takes good financial care of her. But he’s been caught at least five times in the past year with other women. Each time, my friend is destroyed. She’s crying, she’s talking about leaving him … and each time he apologizes, makes some excessive gesture and she’s right back in again. I don’t get it.

I do not wanna see my girl hurt. I love this girl like a sister and I know for a fact she’s going to be miserable of she goes through with the wedding. Just dating him has sent her through so much shit, I don’t even know why the hell she’d wanna make it legal anyway.

So what should I tell her? Should I just stay out of it?

-- Good Friend

Dear Good Friend,

If it were the first time he’d been caught cheating, even the second, I might tell you to take your friend to the side and have a serious talk with her. But if we’re looking at the fifth offense in as little as 365 days … cmon, what can you really tell her that she doesn’t know? She knows he’s unfaithful and probably never will be. She also knows that he pays the mortgage on time, the car note is never late and she stays fly and flashy and with some cash in her pocket. Have you not considered that there’s a trade-off going on here?

A few years ago, I had this conversation with a wealthy gentleman I know. He’s young, black, single, no kids and sells beats for a living. He’s done major work for Jay-Z. Anyway, he basically told me his relationship with wifey is like this: He’s back and forth to New York and L.A. (he has an apartment there) and when he’s there he does him. She stays at the big house in Atlanta, she drives the cars, she has hired help around the house and she has a credit card in addition to a monthly cash stipend. (And these two aren’t even married!) He takes care of her well. In return, and these are not my words, but his …

“In return, all I want is to come home and not get a headache.”

Sounds simple enough. The more detailed ground rules include him not having unprotected sex, not bringing chicks to the house in ATL, and not making major purchases (over $10,000) for these side chicks. But what’s so deep about his sit is that his girl understands that there will be side chicks. Aint that some shyt?

Really, it’s an agreement, spoken or unspoken, any woman who marries a super wealthy guy enters into. I’d be willing to wager there’s not one NBA wife who doesn’t know how to look the other way. How can she not? And if she doesn’t she’d better learn quickly. Men with money who spend a third of the year on the road fuck around. Bottom line.

My only question is whether your girl is really getting her due? I know a nigga needs to be pullin in millions if that shyt’s gonna be okay with me. Good money – 100, 200 thou, good money, is not enough to buy you a f*ck-when-you-get-ready card. That’s how you get divorced and lose half, real quick, f*ckin with me. Personal opinion. But obviously, whatever your girl is getting out of the deal is good enough.

Stay out of it.

Cheers!

-- Mel

When we first met, the beat maker dude tried to holla, too. I wasn’t really interested. Me and my "I have to be attracted to a man to be with him," standards. Shiiiiit. Ask me who’s kicking her self right about now.

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Get yo hand outta my pocket

I don’t know if it’s this impending recession, skyrocketing oil prices or what, but Open-palm Itis is becoming an epidemic, specifically with the male population. (In fairness tho, perhaps it’s just the men I’ve recently come across. Maybe I need to branch out, frequent some different places … Let me get on that).

But it’s not just me. I’ve heard horror stories form girlfriends, too and my sister just had to let one go for the same monetary violations.

She was just talking to me about it the other day. She was seein this dude – I met him recently and he’s fine as hell – ambitious, smart, seems to have a good head on his shoulder, charismatic, all that … So why is he askin my fam for gas money?

When she told me dude had hit her up for $20, and $30 I was like, “aw hell naw, please cancel his line of credit and delete his contact in your phone.”

It’s not easy for any of us to get around at $4 a gallon, but this nigga shoulda been tryin to walk somewhere before he hits my sister up for a tank of gas. That’s some ole bullshyt. And then got the nerve to try to holla? Fuck outta here. If he's askin you for gas money he can't do shyt for you. Not only that, but if he’s askin you, who should be a last resort for cash, apparently nobody else can do shyt for him, either. Ie, his mama, his cousin, his brother, his boy … Just not a good situation, all the way around.

I understand everybody needs help sometimes, but you cannot ask me for money and woo me at the same time. Just doesn’t work. You don’t have to be bleeding money, but you do need to be self sufficient, and not only that, but able and willing to do a little something for me in addition.

I don’t care if you’re not doin shyt but ringin up my groceries at the Wally World, don't holla unless you tryin to slide a couple a these food items straight into that bag over there. Lol. Really tho. Food is expensive as hell right about now.

When we go out to eat and I offer to pay, I don't expect to. At least the first few outtings, that is. I mean, dude's supposed to be trying to get in, right? Unless we are in an established relationship, that halfsies shyt is some bullshyt.

Needless to say, sis has since kicked that sorry dude to the curb. Nothin doin.

-- Mel

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The Captain's not comin. Bummer

Captain Save-a-Ho, that is. LOL. Yeah, he’s not coming. I gotta tell ya, as much of a no-brainer as some of you gals might think this is, I’m really, really just coming to realize this … now. No, now. Now.

Okay, it’s a lot to accept. Perhaps calling this fairy-tale guy the Captain is a bit much. I don’t wanna be misunderstood, I’m absolutely not a gold digger. (Clearly. Stupidly, but clearly).

I am however, a traditionalist. I have this set-in idea about men’s and women’s roles in a relationship, no doubt a direct result of my home life as a child, for better or worse. I feel like there are some things a man is just supposed to be responsible for, and likewise, a woman has her duties.

I was actually just having this conversation with a guy friend of mine the other night.

“Yall wanna wear the pants, you want equality, then why don’t you go ahead and pay an equal amount of these bills!?” He drunkenly proclaimed to uproarious laughter from the peanut gallery. Good times. Such a performer, James. Smart ass.



But I’m not one a those chicks. I don’t want “equality.” Never have. I do want fairness though and I recognize that what’s fair for me and what’s fair for a man may not necessarily be equal. I mean, I gotta have the babies. Damn. Not equal. (Somebody might argue that’s not fair either tho, so never mind).

I just want a man to be a man. Take out the garbage, pick up the tab, buy me something nice, fix somethin around here, lay the pipe like nobody’s business and take care of some of these bills. Let’s just keep it 100, most of these bills. Is that bad? (I’m talking about my husband, btw, not a frivolous boyfriend).

I’m all for independent women. My mother is an independent woman. She makes her own money as a school teacher, she just never really had to spend it. Mind you, she made a fraction of my father’s income, and being the southern-bred, country boy that he was, he just let her money stack. He took care of the house note, the car notes and everything else and still came through like Santa with a cape on Christmas. (Love ya Daddy RIP). Meanwhile, my mom raised the kids and took care of the home, in addition to her profession outside the house, of course. She spent her money on what she wanted, when she wanted. What’s wrong with that? But I think pops may have been the last of a dying breed. So sad.

So tell me, am I just being spoiled and perhaps a bit out of touch in wanting a similar model for my own marriage? (Whenever that is). Or is my definition of chivalry really not dead? The last couple guys I’ve dealt with have realy got me feelin like it’s a wrap. Hit up the survey on the right. Preciate ya.

--Mel


Member this? Back when E-40 was young er. Looooved this song.

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