Monday, September 15, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Wedding proposal or chastity insurance?

Dear Melyssa,

My boyfriend of three years just proposed to me. I’ve been waiting on him to pop the question for at least a year and I should be the happiest girl in the world right now. But I’m concerned that the only reason he even asked is to keep me faithful while he’s away.

We’ve gone back and forth about his failing to propose in recent months and he always said the same thing, he’s just not ready. Then, he got word form his ship (he’s a sailor) that he’d have to deploy for six months, and voila! He pops up with a ring. I wanna accept whole heartedly ( I already told him yes) but I have my reservations. Does the timing even matter? Am I just being silly. I mean, this man loves me and I love him.

-- Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Wedding proposal or chastity insurance? I’m gonna say there’s a bit of both in your new fiance’s proposition. I’m sure he loves you deeply and sees you as the woman he wants to eventually marry, I just don’t know if he really wants to marry you right now. He’s practically said as much, right? But all of the sudden, right before he gets sent of for six months, he wants to wrap up his deal with you. Mhm. At some point, he may have gotten down on one knee, but he would absolutely not be doing it now if it weren’t for Uncle Sam’s summons. I’ve never been married (though I have turned down one proposal), but I’m gonna have to advice you to temporarily pass.

If he wants to marry you now, and his wishes are sincere, then he’ll wanna marry you in six months when he’s back on state’s side. Why should he have the security that for his entire deployment you’re gonna be waiting for him faithfully, pining away after him, throwing yourself into ribbon-adorned invitations, flowers and pictures of towering wedding cakes. Ha!

I say, let him squirm a little. Tell him, your engagement is something that really special and you want to be able to share it with him and you’d like to hold off on that engagement until he’s home and able to be a part of the planning and the excitement. And by the way, you do deserve that. Tell him you’re thrilled that he wants to spend his life with you, but this six months away from each other will also be a test of your relationship. Let’s get through that before we start making wedding announcements, k?

Best of luck, whatever you decide. Lemme know how it turns out!




Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Vacaytionship: A destination relationship

A vacaytionship is a vacation-like relationship. It feels like jetting off to an island somewhere. A drama-free, stress-free, easy, breezy, cocktails-at-noon type of arrangement.

It always feels like the first time because you meet up away from home and with long periods of time in between. It may have been a few months, it may have been a year since your last encounter, but it’s coming up on the calendar again.

It’s a temporary, out-of-town departure, perhaps from your real relationship at home, similar to the way a trip to Hawaii is a vacay from the office. Kinda like that.
After, you’re only left with a few pics (if you’re brave enough to memorialize your tryst with such hard evidence), great memories and a lingering longing for the next get away. That’s what keeps it new. You always want more because the trips are just short enough that you’re not ready to leave, and the time in between is just long enough to keep you wanting for the next one. The peculiar combo of the old and new makes for amazing sex, too, because it’s always like the first time. Kind of. There’s the convenient familiarity still remaining from the last time -- So you already know exactly what each other likes, what to do where, how long to do what … all that -- Only without the boredom that can tend to accompany familiarity. Because you’ve only been together once in the past six months. Hot.
I just entered into a new vacationship. Perfect for me, because honestly, I really don’t have room in my life right now for a real live every day-responsible, grown-up and accountable relationship. And the once-every-three-months thing that I’ve got goin with this guy is so much more thrilling than having somebody at home waiting on me every night, anyway. (Tho I do remember what that feels like and it was once nice). Still, I’ve got my work and my baby and some projects I’m trying to launch. It’s all kinda demanding, so I’m straight on that right now. But being a hopeless romantic, I admit, I’m in love with being in love. This lil off-again, on-again, is just what the doc ordered.
Ever had a vacaytionship? Share with the group.
-- Mel
Cam'ron feat Amerie - Weekend Girl


Friday, August 29, 2008

Why single men shouldn’t date women with kids

Bringing the seeming self-
to a feverish climax, I present: 13 Reasons Not to Mess with Women with Kids:

My guy Gyant grabbed this from I’ve quoted it here verbatim, thus the first person account. (Both a y'all motherfuckers are wrong for this shit, too).

1) Baby Damage - Birth has a traumatic effect on the female form. Pregnancy leaves stretch marks, saggy breasts, and c-section scars. I’ve also heard that the nookie is even stretched out and it isn’t the same anymore. Then there’s the weight gain. Most women NEVER LOSE IT or they never get their former hot shape back.

2) “I Can’t Find A Baby-Sitter” - Women will use this as an excuse to get out of a date with you or they legitimately can’t find a baby-sitter. Either case it isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

3) Babies Interrupt Sex - I’ve had this happen to me. I was banging a woman and her kid interrupted my sex. Needless to say I was pissed. If some kid is going to interrupt the meanest head you’ve ever gotten, that kid should have your last name.

4) Baby’s Daddy - When you’re dealing with a woman and your getting to know her, you shouldn’t have to deal with the kid’s father. Some guys can’t get over the fact that their ex has moved on. Before he was an un-attentive jerk and didn’t give a jolly goddamn about her. Now that you’ve entered into the picture, the dude wants to be the ideal boyfriend and a “father of the year,” nominee. The guy stars stalking her and wants to fight you. Even if the woman and guy are on good terms, the guy feels as if he can always smash. He knows her. He knows what she wants to hear and what makes her happy. The next you know your having this conversation- “I’ve decided to try and make it work with Jimmy’s dad”. Best way to avoid the situation is to avoid single moms.

5)Rent-A-Daddy - Realizing her mistake, realizing that kids (especially boys need fathers), the woman gets desperate. Any and every guy has the potential to be a daddy. You’re out trying to get some, not inherit a family.

6)The Kids Are Still Up - This is only a problem if you're trying to pursue something other than a booty call. Wanting to spend time with you, but not wanting to bring strange men around her kids, you find yourself only seeing this female after 10 or 11PM. You want to move forward, but she has to make sure you're the “one". This could take months. I suggest dealing with women that are readily available to hang out.

7) Double Heart Break - You are with the woman, then everything falls apart. Not only do you have to deal with losing the woman, but you’ve formed a bond with lil’ Jimmy. You and Jimmy play HALO together, watch the Wizards’ hoop it up, go to the zoo, and things dads do with sons or daughters. On top of maybe missing the woman, you miss the kid.

8) You're Not My Dad. - You hook up with the woman, eventually the issue of discipline is going to come up. Some kid being resentful or just a being bratty prick is going to eventuallly pull the “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!!!” card. Personally if I did date single mothers and some dumba$$ kid pulled that stunt on me, I would say, “You're right. I’m not your father. Since I have no authority over you and you refuse to listen to me, you need to pack your sh*t and go live with your dad.” This would be a deal breaker for me. In addition some mothers or the dad would have problem with you disciplining their kid. I’m sorry, if some kid broke my laptop, I’m whooping his a$$.

9)You Know What She's Going To Do - She already has one kid, if you knock her up, it’s safe to assume she’s going to have another one.

10) Bad Judge of Character - This female got knocked up by somebody that she was “supposedly in love with.” Not only is she a bad judge of character, she’s GROSSLY irresponsible. The same guy that’s an a$$hole now, is the same guy she thought the world of and had unprotected sex with.

11) Unnecessary Expenditures - Eventually you’ll get to meet the kid(s.) Soon those dates turn into family outings. Instead of paying for two people, your paying for three or more. The same goes if you move in with her.

12) You’ll Never Be 1 - When you're trying to build a relationship with somebody, you should be the focus of the woman’s life. It should be about you and her. If she has a kid, you’ll NEVER BE 1!!! That’s not a bad thing either, but it’s something I don’t want to deal with. Neither should you.

13)Tag, You're It! - This should be the BIGGEST deterrent to EVER dealing with a single mother. In some jurisdictions, I think California is one of them, if you start dealing with a female with kids, move in with her and things go south. THE FEMALE CAN SUE YOU FOR CHILD SUPPORT!!!! She can claim that she and the child have “become accustomed to you supporting the child.” YOU COULD END UP POSSIBLY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR A KID THAT ISN’T EVEN YOURS! Imagine being extorted money because you were doing what you thought was the “right thing.” The state doesn’t give a rat’s a$$ about the relationship being over or you being a “good guy.” They just don’t want the chick on welfare. So as far as your concerned, it’s “TAG, YOUR IT!”



PS Ladies, it doesn’t have to be like the hopefully horribly exaggerated pic I posted. LOL. Really, I found this something-like-a-miracle product this summer, Nivea Goodbye Cellulite Gel. Heaven! It’s marketed to smooth cellulite which it absolutely does, but it also drastically minimizes the appearance of stretch marks on the tummy and blemishes on the face, (in like days, I swear! I was in a bikini this summer. Not a tankini, a bikinin. Goes for about 10 bucks at Walmart. Throwin it out there.

(This shit right here, nigga? This shit right here?)

-- Mel


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Instant Fam: Add you and stir

A good guy friend of mine, who happens to be a divorced dad with two kids, took issue with the advice I gave the lady who wrote in the other day. I told her to stop pining away over some dude who’s got baggage (read: a soon-to-be ex-wife and a couple of kids).

He said (outside this particular guy still being technically married) that a man with kids could move onto a new relationship and be a wonderful, supportive and loving partner. That he could manage his new love life, as well as his fatherhood and his relationship with his ex properly, if he’s a good and self-respecting man. He said that when women skip over men simply because that man has a child, they could be missing out on what could be a wonderful and life-long love.

Well that’s beautiful, and I agree, a woman with no attachments can find a wonderful life partner in a man who already happens to be a father, but if she can find love in a man who doesn’t already have the instant family, why wouldn’t she? I mean there’s a reason that meeting, dating, falling in love, marrying and then deciding to start a family is considered the ideal. It’s because it’s ideal. I just feel like as a young woman with no attachments, she has a shot at that ideal. I think she should go for that, first.

My friend said kids don’t have to be viewed as "baggage." He’s dated women with kids and so have his friends and he doesn’t wanna be passed over either, by could-be romantic interests because of his own children. (Neither do I, but such is life).

I’m sure there are plenty of men who don’t mind dating women with children, but I promise you, no single man who doesn’t have kids is cruising Black Planet looking for profiles who specifically have the “I have kids” box checked. (Do people even go on Black Planet anymore? I haven’t checked my profile in like 7 years). Certainly those men are looking for other attributes, beauty, brains, ambition, is she funny, is she down to earth … and perhaps if she has all of those things plus a kid, well maybe he can accept that. But the kids in and of themselves? They’re a con, not a pro, in the dating pool. That’s all I’m sayin.

It’s a harsh and personal reality for me. I get that my becoming a single mom hasn’t increased my desirability. I know that, put up against a woman with the same characteristics I’d like to believe I have -- charisma, beauty, intelligence … all that -- I know the chick without the child, who has all that stuff too, probably registers a little higher on a guy’s list. I get that and I accept that. It’s one of the reasons I fought so hard not to be a single mom in the first place. Who wants that? (Though, believe me there are worse things). But still. Any dude who wants into my bedroom, my calendar or my life in any respect has gotta feel a different kind of pressure than he might feel dating a woman with no attachments. He has to know that at some point, I’m looking for him to settle down and be step dad. That’s right. Step dad. Because I am now part of a package deal. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about right out the gate, but I don’t have time to spend on some man frivolously any more. I’m somebody’s mama, y’know? (Except, of course for my new thing … LOL. He’s just for play. But he’s outta town so that doesn’t count right? Look, I’m grown).

Anyway, that’s my take. What say you?

-- Mel

By the way, I looove this song. (Though when it came out I couldn’t have been further from this reality. How the winds have changed).


Monday, August 25, 2008

Ask Melyssa: She want that old thing back

ear Melyssa,

I’m a 28-year-old, single educated woman with no kids who just recently got back in touch with my high school sweetheart. We hadn’t spoken in years before a few months ago, but once we reconnected it was effortless. Back in the day, I was the one who broke things off. When I saw him again recently, he told me how he’d always been in love with me and had never stopped thinking about me. We ended up sleeping together. Here’s the predictable part -- Of course he’s married with two kids.

Yeah, got married about a year after high school. But his wife recently put him out and filed for divorce. He was devastated. He wanted counseling, a family vacation and to get back in church to help repair the marriage. She wouldn’t have any of it. So now, he’s paying child support, seeing his kids a couple times a week and staying with his cousin. He is not contesting the divorce, but at the same time, he doesn’t really want it. He wants his family and is still kinda holding out hope that she’ll rescind the papers. Like he’ll say stuff like, “if I get divorced …” I’m thinking, "what you mean, ‘if?’ Nigga, you got served!"

I am being really, really patient, Mel. We talk on the phone all the time and I listen to how he misses sending his kids off to school, how he doesn't understand how why his wife is so willing to throw away their marriage, how he never thought he'd be divorced, how he's not sure if he should work to fight for the relationship ... UGH! When will he just accept it!?

And at the same time, he says I’m perfect for him and how he misses me and wants to see me again and some more stuff ... Girl, he’s confused and he’s confusing my ass too.

I know this is all new to him and a tad bittersweet (me entering his life while his wife leaves his life) but how long am I supposed to wait for him to get his act together and accept that his old life is over and move onto a new life with me? It’s only been a few months, but we know each other well and this could definitely work out long term. Plus, he's a good dude, believes in the sanctity of marriage and has never cheated before. He's really perfect. So am I being completely foolish in this or what?

-- Reluctantly patient

Dear Reluctantly Patient,

Ah this sounds so familiar! What is this, like a running theme? Damned Myspace. You didn'y say you hooked back up on myspace but it had to be that social networking site from satan. Anway, where do I even begin? First of all the man is going through a huge transition period. Really, not even, because he hasn’t completely let go of the marriage yet. He doesn’t want his wife to leave him. He was put out. He doesn’t want a divorce, he was served papers. He won’t be able to even begin transitioning into his new life as a divorced man until he’s divorced. And then, who’s to say he’ll want to jump right back into another monogamous, committed ready-made relationship right out the gate, and should he at some point be ready to settle down again, even after juts being so irrevocably burned, who’s to say it’ll be with you? I mean, the man was married at a young age and went on to father two kids … he might just get his second wind, wanna sow some oats or something for a year or two and plunge himself back in the dating pool. And again, once he’s had his fill, who’s to say he’ll retire with you?

I think there are way too many variables happening here for you to be staking anything substantial on this might-be-relationship – namely, your heart.

So yes, you are being completely foolish, and no, you should absolutely not be waiting for him. You might just miss your blessing pining away over this man who is not ready and may not be any time soon, if ever.

Let him go, let him go through what he has to go through, let him heal from it and let him come to you when he’s able and willing to give himself to you.

-- Mel

PS Do you really want a divorced dude with two kids anyway? It's too early to be scrapin. Also, he's still married, till he gets divorced. Just throwin that out there.


Friday, August 22, 2008

Sweet Semen: Once only a dream, now a reality lol

And speaking of sucking dick. Okay, I know we weren’t but is there ever a bad time to talk about fellatio? I think not.

So I was up late googling the other night for keywords I will not reveal.

Wait, sidebar: Freepaysite is the shit. Thx for that, Single Male.

Anyway, I was surfing the net and came across this product, not sure how new it is, but I’d only dreamed it up a few years ago. Somebody seriously jacked my idea and brought it to fruition. Kinda pissed about that. Anyway, there’s this pill guys can take to sweeten the taste of their semen. Go figure. It’s called Sweet Release. Only comes in apple, but how tasty is that!

Perhaps some of you avid indulgers have heard of this, but it was a bit of useful news to me. And they have a comparable product for women too! Only comes in lemon, tho. I dunno how I’d feel about tasting sour.

Apple flavored cum. Yumm-o (as one of my fav TV cooks, Rachel Ray would say).

And guys, the stuff is supposedly good for you. I pulled this from the site:

If you want to enhance your oral sex life and surprise your lover with a fantastic new experience, then Sweet Release masculine formula is for you! Sweet Release is a dietary supplement, when taken twice a day, will within 7 to 28 days change the scent and taste of your semen. Your semen will change from an unpleasant salty flavor to a delicious apple flavor. Sweet Release is a 100% natural herbal and totally vegetarian food supplement specifically developed for men. There is not a product like this anywhere!

Health Benefits for Men:
Our saying says it all: "Come for the sex! Stay for the Health!" We have combined health benefits into Sweet Release, giving it a unique combination nowhere else ever seen.

Somebody try this stuff and tell me how it tastes. Thank ya kindly.

-- Mel

30-day money back guarantee, too. Just sayin. : )


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Blame it on the Rain: Right back in, again

Y’know what? I’m gonna stop professing to be abstinent. Because really, what is an abstinent person who continues to have sex? Not abstinent, that’s what. So I’m giving up that title. It was a great experience, I had a long run, (a good 2 ½ years) I’m proud of myself and all that, but fuck it. Literally.

Don’t be disappointed just yet, there’s more …

So I just came back from my second vacay, sponsored by the guy I was so mad at not a month ago. Yeah, well, there will be a third. He’s footing the bill for that one, too. I didn't even confront him about the white girl. How could I, really? I mean, it's not like he violated any rules of our "relationship." We did discuss when we'd see each other again tho, and when we'd see each other after that, and how often I could come back ... I know, I know, I know, I said I was gonna let it go. I said I was mad and hurt and needed to get over it and would reclaim my celibacy and all that … I know. But I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say.

And it was so romantic. We went out for drinks at this sexy little, dimly lit live jazz bar and had some cozy convo on the sofa before heading to this swanky sushi hotspot and sharing some yellow tail and more than a few shots. Then we retired back to my girl’s house where I was staying, for a night cap. We sat on the porch listening to music from his cell phone and chatting about everything. It began to sprinkle and we twinkled our toes hanging off the edge of the steps, in the water from the sky. I told him how much I loved the rain.

“It’s the best sleep,” I said. He agreed.

I told him I wanted to sleep in the flatbed of his pick-up truck. (I have no idea why he drives a pick up truck. He really doesn’t seem the type). It was a light rain and would let up momentarily. He said he hadn’t done that in forever.

“Does your girl have any blankets?”

“Nah, I don’t wanna make laundry for her like that,” I said.

“Well let’s go buy some blankets then,” he said. I thought I’d challenge him with my spontaneity but he came right back. Love that.

“You serious?” I asked.


We jumped up, and he started his truck while I ran upstairs and packed a little overnight bag.

We picked up flashlights, sleeping bags, sleeping bag liners, bottled water a sweat shirt for me (so sweet for him to think of that) and wet wipes at Walmart. As soon as we wheeled the cart into the parking lot it began to pour. Hard, like a tsunami. We raced to the truck and piled the stuff in before taking refuge in the front cabin.

We rode around for a while waiting for it to let up, listening to Jay-Z’s Reasonable Doubt and reminiscing about where we were in our lives when we first heard our favorite rapper. After about a half, we gave up on waiting out the weather and checked into a hotel. (Is this boring to everyone but me? Sorry, I wanna share). We lied on the bed and flipped channels for a while spooning, before he asked, “you hungry?”

I can always eat, so we ran across the street to IHOP in the pour down.

“Beat ya!” I took off smacking the puddles in my flip-flops.

It’s about 4 in the morning now.

And when we got back to the hotel an hour later, the sex was fire. Fire, you hear me? The foreplay alone went on for an hour … The sun came up over our fourth floor room with the drapes agape, and we came as well. : )

I flew out a few days later, but not before he booked me another flight a couple months out.

Damn. And I’m right back in. His number’s also back in my cell phone. Personalized ringer and all that. LOL. When will I learn?

Rain is so sexy.

-- Mel

It’s difficult for me to enter anything with no expectations. Even frivolous sex. But I’m trying to keep a cool head about this. It’s been fun, sexy, exhilarating, and if we keep this up every couple of months it could make for a nice little, mutually beneficial vacation-type relationship. Ever had a vacaytionship? Ahh refreshing. That’s another blog.


Monday, August 18, 2008

Things Fall Apart: We made plans, now he wants out

Dear Melyssa,

Me and my man have been together since high school. We are both recent college grads now. The whole time we’ve been together we’ve planned on getting married and having a family one day. I’ve always known he was the one for me and I though he felt the same way.

Lately, a lot has happened in his life. His grandfather who raised him died, got 15 years in jail for some dumb shit and he got a scholarship to grad school in another state, after I moved to Texas, where we now live, to be with him. Not only does he want to take the scholarship, which I can’t really be mad at, even though we both agreed we do out grad studies in Texas, now he’s sayin he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. He needs some space and time to think. What the fuck does that mean, space and time to think?

-- Falling Apart

Dear Falling Apart,

In a couple of words, it means he wants to fuck other chicks.

Not taking away from the forever life-altering changes he’s been thru lately -- some good, some bad -- But those are the kinds of things that bring two people who love each other and want to be together, together. Two people bond over death, over the separation of loved ones ... It’s what makes a mourning person so vulnerable. It’s what makes the hazing process so successful.

I’m sure he’s every bit as devastated about some of these events as he tells you he is. But I don’t think I can ride with that being the primary reason for his wanting to cut official ties with you. Ya’ll have been together since you were babies. I think he may just wanna explore his options and open up his horizons. You might wanna do the same.

Mean time, in between time, don’t fret too bad. He’ll be back at least a few times before it’s over for good, if it’s destined to be over for good. These drawn out, been-together-since-French-class relationships never end so cleanly. There’s always the back and forth before the final break.

While you're going through all that tho, the best thing you can do is to be cool and not clingy. He wants to keep it movin, allow him to. Trust, he can't stand the thought of you lyin up under some other dude anymore than you want to face the inevitability of him giving it to another chick. If you maintain the proper temperature about this, you could possibly completely turn the tables, have him wondering why you're so able to deal with his sudden announcement that he wants to break it off after all these years. What you got on the back burner that allows you to take the news so well? What are you doin at midnite, 2 and 3 a.m. that you're not callin his phone to see what he's doin? But don't just fake it, do it. Get out and mingle.

This separation doesn’t have to be all bad. Cheer up, and congrats to both of you for doin the damn thing and headin to grad school straight outta undergrad. You inspire me. : )

-- Mel

Donell Jones said it best …

Enjoying the space here? Nominate me for a Black Weblog award. I'm going for "Blog to Watch" or "Best New Blog." Thank ya kindly.



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Settling Down with a Skripper: Could you do it?

She spends her early evening grinding her scantily clad ass over the erect-beneath-sweat-pants wearing happy hour crowd. She whispers in the ears of the lonely, lovelorn and cash-carrying about all the nasty things she’d like to do to whatever gentlemen she’s escorted to the back room. She sexily contorts her body in stilettos for a living and brings her paychecks home in ones and fives. Yet, at night, she climbs in your bed and spoons with you.

He’s oiled up, muscles bulging, leaping off the stage into a crowd of horny, screaming middle aged women. Sock-laden penis swinging as the baby boomers wave dollars in the air and raise their phones to snap cell flicks of your man simulating oral sex on someone’s mother, sprawled out, legs spread on the floor. He flips her over, to an uproarious reaction from the sex-starved crowd, slams his sock against her ass a few times, licking his lips before his set is over. Then, he wipes down, gets dressed, and lets himself into your apartment with a key.

How the fuck does that work?

I mean, I’m a pretty open minded person, but I don’t understand how simulated sex to music, outside an otherwise monogamous relationship is ok. I don't care if you are gettin paid and bringin home the cash. Maybe I’m just being judgmental.

I recently met a man who pays his mortgage pretending to fulfill the fantasies of women. He’s an exotic dancer named Chocolate. (aren't they all). But this dude is every bit as delectable as his name sounds. I imagine, I mean. Haven’t been there yet, but we’ll see.

I’m a little put off by his work, quite frankly. Though everything else about him is starkly domesticated. He cooks, does laundry and even has full custody of his 12-year-old son. I know, right! He’s grounded, well read and professes to be monogamous-minded. I spent some time with him and must admit, I went home impressed.

But I cannot reconcile the reality he’s shown me, with my own wild imagination. In my mind I see him constantly being approached by horny college co-eds, out for a drunken night of debauchery; propositioned by old sugar mamas looking to put some cash in his pocket after hours … I see him actually becoming aroused by his own titillating performance and being tempted to head out to the parking lot and make it real. I've definitely been to a few of these lil hedonistic shindigs and definitely tried to entice one of the professionals into following me home and he was definitely wit it. I know how this goes down. :)

I dunno, I’d like to give dude a chance, but I don’t think I can even go. Maybe he’s not real relationship material, but perhaps I can keep him around anyway. If that nigga can move like that on the stage …. Lawd. : )

What do you guys think? Could you wife up or settle down with an exotic dancer?

Hit up the survey to the right please and thank ya.

-- Mel


Monday, August 11, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Stuck between my ex-man and the next man

Dear Melyssa,

My man and I have lived together for two years, but about six months ago, we broke up. Our lease isn’t up yet though, and neither one of us wants to break it. Plus, we can’t afford to move out and live alone right now, so instead we’re just sleeping in separate bedrooms waiting another six months for the lease to run out and saving up money to go our own ways.

We’ve been pretty good about being civil, I still cook every night, we still talk in the evenings and we have had sex since the break up, though not in the past couple of months. He dates other women, and doesn’t come home sometimes, but he hasn’t brought anyone around the apartment. Well, I want to …

I have no problem with what he does with anybody else, but recently I met someone. I’m really feeling this dude and he’s really feeling me. But he’s having a hard time dealing with the fact that I live with my ex-man. He’s never been to my place and thinks that I’m keeping him away because I’m still with my man. I’m not. But the new guy says he won’t believe me until he can come over like a regular relationship. Hang out, eat dinner, stay the night … like a real boyfriend.

My thing is this, my ex-man has been really respectful and discreet about what he does and I feel like I kinda owe him the same respect. But does it even really matter since we’re not even together anymore? I’m gonna fuck around and lose my new guy if I don’t make a decision. What should I do?

-- Between a Rock and a Hard Place

PS. I'm not ready to move in with the new guy and FYI, he hasn't offered anyway.

Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place,

I’m afraid you’re not gonna wanna hear this, but unfortunately, you’re really not in a position to move on right now. Though you may have emotionally moved past your relationship with your live-in – tho being that the two of you just got it in two months ago, I’m not even sure about that – You’re not in a position where you can reasonably physically move on and that’s a big part of a relationship … physical presence. Your new guy’s absolutely right. He deserves to be with someone who can be with him … who can cook for him, invite him over for late-night movies and with whom it’s okay to sleep over. You don’t have that kind of situation right now.

The fact that you and your ex-man aren’t technically together right now is really a non-issue. Bringin another dude all up and through the home that you share with him is so not a good idea. It will absolutely create a hostile environment for you for the next six months, until you can comfortably get your own space. And though you may be able to logically win the argument when your man confronts you about your sleepovers, it really doesn’t matter who’s right, if it makes you both miserable. There’s a reason your roommate hasn’t brought his new chicks around you. He doesn’t wanna set that precedence, probably because he knows he couldn’t take it if the shoe were on the other foot. Honestly, what man could?

You’ve got something good here. Half the rent’s paid, your relationship is amicable and you’re both saving up money in a peaceful environment in an effort to part ways, happily. Please don’t rock the boat. If your new man doesn’t understand that, well, I certainly understand him. But sit him down and explain it to him. Who knows, maybe he’ll come around. I mean, it’s only six more months. If he really sees a future with you, he may just stick it out.

Good luck!

-- Mel

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