Monday, August 18, 2008

Things Fall Apart: We made plans, now he wants out

Dear Melyssa,

Me and my man have been together since high school. We are both recent college grads now. The whole time we’ve been together we’ve planned on getting married and having a family one day. I’ve always known he was the one for me and I though he felt the same way.

Lately, a lot has happened in his life. His grandfather who raised him died, got 15 years in jail for some dumb shit and he got a scholarship to grad school in another state, after I moved to Texas, where we now live, to be with him. Not only does he want to take the scholarship, which I can’t really be mad at, even though we both agreed we do out grad studies in Texas, now he’s sayin he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. He needs some space and time to think. What the fuck does that mean, space and time to think?

-- Falling Apart

Dear Falling Apart,

In a couple of words, it means he wants to fuck other chicks.

Not taking away from the forever life-altering changes he’s been thru lately -- some good, some bad -- But those are the kinds of things that bring two people who love each other and want to be together, together. Two people bond over death, over the separation of loved ones ... It’s what makes a mourning person so vulnerable. It’s what makes the hazing process so successful.

I’m sure he’s every bit as devastated about some of these events as he tells you he is. But I don’t think I can ride with that being the primary reason for his wanting to cut official ties with you. Ya’ll have been together since you were babies. I think he may just wanna explore his options and open up his horizons. You might wanna do the same.

Mean time, in between time, don’t fret too bad. He’ll be back at least a few times before it’s over for good, if it’s destined to be over for good. These drawn out, been-together-since-French-class relationships never end so cleanly. There’s always the back and forth before the final break.

While you're going through all that tho, the best thing you can do is to be cool and not clingy. He wants to keep it movin, allow him to. Trust, he can't stand the thought of you lyin up under some other dude anymore than you want to face the inevitability of him giving it to another chick. If you maintain the proper temperature about this, you could possibly completely turn the tables, have him wondering why you're so able to deal with his sudden announcement that he wants to break it off after all these years. What you got on the back burner that allows you to take the news so well? What are you doin at midnite, 2 and 3 a.m. that you're not callin his phone to see what he's doin? But don't just fake it, do it. Get out and mingle.

This separation doesn’t have to be all bad. Cheer up, and congrats to both of you for doin the damn thing and headin to grad school straight outta undergrad. You inspire me. : )

-- Mel

Donell Jones said it best …

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^CHUKWUMEKA I^ said...

No one is promised tomorrow. Love owes no one person anything. Its love, not a contract of obligation. A person is free to change their mind at anytime, this is the nature of relationships. If people who have been together married for twenty years can separate, certainly any boyfriend/girlfriend relationship can break up on any given day. The beauty of loving someone is that when its real you choose that person everyday over everything. When its not, well all beats are off and it can be over with very little notice. Better to have loved and ......I won't insult with the cliche' but there is a reason why its a cliche'.

Q said...

No disrespect to "FALLING APART" - But Geez .... Cmon now, what's the old saying - a man going to be a man. Again you said it yourself yall been kicking it since high school. He looking for some nu-nu. But ladies it's happened to us all. Like Mel said you just need to do u for awhile,and the last thing you need to do is stalk the guy or keep blowing his phone up- Be cool... It's called reverse psychology.