Thursday, May 29, 2008

Pitty Pussy ... just pitiful. Stop it, ladies

Ladies, y'all know what this is, and unfortunately, we’ve all done it.

You thought you wanted it, you said you wanted it, you acted like you wanted it, then right before you’re set to get it .. ehhh, not so much.

Sure, no means no. But what if you say yes, yes, yes, then when the package is unwrapped you wanna send the gift back? When’s it too late to say no? Right after the panties hit the floor? Once the condom’s out of the wrapper and wrapped around? Two, three pumps in? LOL. (Ive actually done that before. Not pretty. Yes, really. Awful).

But really, what’s the alternative? Goin all the way through with what you’ve begun in an effort to keep up some ill-applied finish-what-you-started mantra? And before you know it, you’re having what? Sex, because you feel sorry: Pitty pussy. A sad set of affairs, indeed.

For me, this is some old shyt. This is some shyt that went out in 2000. Me and a couple of my closest girlfriends were like, “fuck that, I’d rather be called a tease.” And so I’ve been, ever since … lol. Kidding.

And really, in out late twenties, we should be past all that point-of-no-return bullshyt, anyway. If you do or say something stupid and I change my mind, then that’s what it is. Imagine my grave disappointment then, when one of those same dear friends that made that pact with me almost a decade ago, recently relented.

“I mean, I felt so bad for him, we were at the register and he just pulled out his credit card like it was nothing … he bought this … he bought that …” she went on.

I’d heard it before. I’d said it before.

“He sends flowers to my job for no reason … he’s always a complete gentleman … I hadn’t even let him feel me up …” she continued.

I’d said all that.

“So when he moved in for it, I mean, what could I do? The nigga earned that shyt,” she rationalized.

Mind you, she’d been leading this dude on for months, spending his money and accepting his invitations to go here and go there with hardly a tongue kiss exchanged at the end of the night. He really had put in some work for that ass. (Just to keep it 100 tho, a lot of that was dude’s fault. A grown ass man is not gonna do all that shyt while you keep him waiting to eff for no effin reason; clearly date other people; and haven’t even shirted dude yet. <-- let him take your shirt off. Just sayin).

So anyway, I understand her feeling guilty about nothing goin down. She was not attracted to him and had been playin like she was. Terrible. But f*ck that! That means he gets to get it!?

I was like, “c’mon man, we made a pact like 7 years ago. That shyt is dead … damn.” So disappointed. But not more than she, so I tried not to make it worse.

It’s not as if I didn’t have a story of my own. The year was 2000. I was a senior at Hampton University. Good times. So there was this guy, let’s call him Blake. Corny name, for a corny dude.

Anyway, he was cool, we’d had a good time together, he’d come through and we’d eat and drink and laugh and all that good stuff. Anyway this one night, we started to get down. I’m naked, he’s standing in his boxers and he pulls it out. I think a strong wind of reality must’ve blown through at that exact moment, making him rigid and simultaneously drying me up. LOL. It was h-o-r-r-i-b-l-e. I mean, I know everyone’s not hung like a mandingo. I get that. Some guys are larger, others aren’t, but this dude? This dude was muuuuch smaller than your average. I mean, to the point where he KNEW how sub par his package was. He'd clearly heard it before.

He pulled it out and was holding it like, “It’s kinda small … I’m sorry it’s so small … is it big enough for you?”

Are you F*ckin serious!? What the f*ck was I supposed to say to that!? I SWEAR this really happened. I can still see it like it was yesterday. I am ashamed, and sickened to my stomach to admit that I lied back, in the obligatory V and let him have at it for the longest 3 1/2 minutes of my life. God forgive me.

This same dude hit me on LinkedIn the other week, btw, hadn't heard from him since school, talkin ‘bout, “we should get together for tea one day.” He'd recently moved to my hood. Yes, he said tea. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Pitty pussy’s dead, nigga. Nothin doin.



After thought: Do guys go thru this? There a such think as pitty d!ck? LOL. Just askin.

And in today's garbage ...

Kobe likes to cum on chicks faces, choke em out while hitting it from the back and other points of TMI you may or may not have waned to know about your favorite NBA star, over at my other blog, Candy Coated Trash.


Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Putting it in -- Overtime

Dear Melyssa,

I know how you love juicy stories. Well I got one for you. I’ve been getting it in with this dude at my job for the past three weeks. I work in the office, he works in the storage room in the basement. We have done it all, Melyssa and at work too! I’m talking about head in the office supplies closet, fu*kin under my desk after hours and all kinda shyt. I don’t know what it is about this dude, he’s just so sexy. The sex is GOOOD, Mel. Dude is packin and all that. He makes me love going to work.

But things have started to take a turn. It was all cool in the beginning, we would go at it in the evenings after the office had cleared out, or we’d get in the back of his delivery truck at lunch and that was it. I have a man at home, so I can’t be stayin really late, but he won’t get suspicious about me being an hour late. But dude at work is really feelin me and he’s telling me he wants me to be his girl and he’s gonna tell my man how good I suck a dick and he’s askin me, “does your man know how wet I make this pussy,” while we’re doing it. It has me kind of freaked a little bit. So I’m trying to back off and leave him alone, but I don’t know, from what he’s saying, he could be the stalker type. How can I let him down easy and get out of this? Any thoughts?

-- Puttin in that OT

Dear Puttin in that OT,

Ooooh you KNOW how I love a juicy story! And this def feeds my appetite. LOL. Wow, so it’s that good, huh? Maybe I need to find work outside the home ...

Right, lemme get back on task. So all good things must come to an end and it’s time to wrap this lil rendezvous. I feel you about ending it. It has to end, right? You got a man. But I’m not sure that dude exactly has stalker tendencies. I mean, the shyt you say he says tyou in between thrusts is kinda hot, if you ask me. Just sayin. But I guess the reality of your home situation is makin you nervous.

If you’re gonna end it, you need to just end it. I think you should just tell dude you can’t freak him all in the supply closet anymore, you both know the relationship isn’t going anywhere and it would be best to stop. If you think mentioning being faithful to your man as a reason for the split will send him into a jealous rage, don’t mention your man. Tell him your coworkers are getting suspicious about the way y'all look at each other or about the long lunches you take.

But really, if he’s a psycho stalker, it’s not gonna matter how you break it to him. His craziness is gonna come out regardless. In that case – and this may sound drastic – but in that case, you need to be on right now. Not only does this guy have the potential to ruin your relationship at home, he can very well ruin your reputation at work, too. And once the office is buzzing -- which, whether you know it or not, it may already be – the psycho may not even have to tell your live-in. Some jealous bitch a couple cubicles down might do it for him.

Bottom line, end it once and quickly. DON’T GO BACK! He’s most definitely gonna try to put in on you one last time because you’ve already shown him you’re weak for the d!ck, but don‘t go back. End it and keep it moving. Avoid him in the hallways, take your lunch at a different time and cut it off. Then keep your eyes and ears open for psycho behavior and by all means, post your resume. G'luck!

Lemme know how it turns out.

-- Mel

Want some sage possibly useful advice? Holla.


Flavor of fellatio LOL ... terrible

This shyt rght hurr is EXACTLY why you don't film a flick with some dude you are not committed to. No doubt, Shay "Buckeey"Johnson of Flavor of Love season two fame, may have been attached to dude in this x-rated clip at the time, but he damn sure doesn't give a fuck anymore cuz the bastard has leaked all the jaw action all over the net. And people like me -- who probably do have better things to do but have erroneously ordered priorities -- download the shyt and post it with commentary. Damn. SMH.

God bless ya tho, Shay. I do know what it feels like to be embarrassed, caught with cum egg on my face, though never like this .. but I can imagine. You'll get thru it.

On the other hand, she may not be shamed at all. Shyt, perhaps it'll catapult her celebrity, whado I know?

Check the vid after the break. NSFW. Ask Melyssa comin in a minute, btw. Holla.

-- Mel

Drum roll please .....


Sorry Blogger has this "obscene material" clause for the kiddies. You gotta peep the link yourself.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

The Captain's not comin. Bummer

Captain Save-a-Ho, that is. LOL. Yeah, he’s not coming. I gotta tell ya, as much of a no-brainer as some of you gals might think this is, I’m really, really just coming to realize this … now. No, now. Now.

Okay, it’s a lot to accept. Perhaps calling this fairy-tale guy the Captain is a bit much. I don’t wanna be misunderstood, I’m absolutely not a gold digger. (Clearly. Stupidly, but clearly).

I am however, a traditionalist. I have this set-in idea about men’s and women’s roles in a relationship, no doubt a direct result of my home life as a child, for better or worse. I feel like there are some things a man is just supposed to be responsible for, and likewise, a woman has her duties.

I was actually just having this conversation with a guy friend of mine the other night.

“Yall wanna wear the pants, you want equality, then why don’t you go ahead and pay an equal amount of these bills!?” He drunkenly proclaimed to uproarious laughter from the peanut gallery. Good times. Such a performer, James. Smart ass.

But I’m not one a those chicks. I don’t want “equality.” Never have. I do want fairness though and I recognize that what’s fair for me and what’s fair for a man may not necessarily be equal. I mean, I gotta have the babies. Damn. Not equal. (Somebody might argue that’s not fair either tho, so never mind).

I just want a man to be a man. Take out the garbage, pick up the tab, buy me something nice, fix somethin around here, lay the pipe like nobody’s business and take care of some of these bills. Let’s just keep it 100, most of these bills. Is that bad? (I’m talking about my husband, btw, not a frivolous boyfriend).

I’m all for independent women. My mother is an independent woman. She makes her own money as a school teacher, she just never really had to spend it. Mind you, she made a fraction of my father’s income, and being the southern-bred, country boy that he was, he just let her money stack. He took care of the house note, the car notes and everything else and still came through like Santa with a cape on Christmas. (Love ya Daddy RIP). Meanwhile, my mom raised the kids and took care of the home, in addition to her profession outside the house, of course. She spent her money on what she wanted, when she wanted. What’s wrong with that? But I think pops may have been the last of a dying breed. So sad.

So tell me, am I just being spoiled and perhaps a bit out of touch in wanting a similar model for my own marriage? (Whenever that is). Or is my definition of chivalry really not dead? The last couple guys I’ve dealt with have realy got me feelin like it’s a wrap. Hit up the survey on the right. Preciate ya.


Member this? Back when E-40 was young er. Looooved this song.


Monday, May 19, 2008

How long should I share my married man?

Dear Melyssa,

I’ll keep this brief because I’m so sick of thinking about the whole thing, but I need help. I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year now. He’s perfect for me. I love him to death. He’s the perfect gentlemen, opens doors, brings me flowers, calls me every day at work, the sex is THA BOMB!!!! Here’s the thing … He’s married with two kids. He’s not in love with his wife and he’s only there because of the kids. He loves them dearly and they’re the center of his life. But I’m sick of him getting up and going home at 11 p.m. because he told his wife he was working late. I want him full time. I’m trying not to pressure him and he says he’s waiting for the right time to break it to her. She’s a good woman and has been a good wife and he knows she doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but he needs to be happy. Heres my question. I know ultimatums don’t work, but how do I put a time limit on this thing without him feeling like I’m backing him into a corner? I can’t wait forever …

--Waiting Forever

Dear Waiting Forever,

Well. You’re involved with a married man. He has two kids, he runs home every night just before the clock strikes twelve after sexing you up, he’s selling you dreams about leaving his wife and making a life with you … but your question to me is, how can you not make him feel pressured? Are you serious?

I really want to scream. One, because unfortunatley, I’ve got a similar experience to share, and second, because it’s such a stupid predicament to be in. Ugh! When will we learn.

First, let me just say this. I know you’ve heard it a million time from your girlfriends or your mom (if you’re bold enough to share this mess with them) but he’s not leaving his wife. There ya go. Married men don’t leave their wives for chicks on the side. Second, if he is ever gonna leave his wife ever, he certainly is not gonna do it while you’re still spreading em on the regular. This is just simple logic, right here. Why should he? Perhaps you’ve heard that before too.

So, I’ll try to tell you something new, and what I had to tell my six-months-long, married affair – who for the record had been living apart form his wife for a year before we met and had no kids. For the record. Tho I’m not judging—Anyway, I had to tell dude:

“This isn’t an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. But I have to tell you something about me. I’m not the kind of girl that dates married men. Six months in, I know this must be a revelation for you, but really. This is so out of character for me. So I have to correct my mistake. I can’t do this anymore. I like you a lot, I’ve really enjoyed our time together and I’d love to hear from you when you’re free. I hope it’s soon. Muah!” <---Laid a nice wet one on him before exiting, Priceless.

See that? No time constraints, the time is now. You haven’t made a request of him, you’ve made a decision for you, and in so doing, taken control of a situation that had you previously laid out on the floor like a door mat (whether you know it now or not).

And just to keep it 100, this convo took place after several failed attempts with phrases like "If you don't ... I'm gonna ..." and "When are you gonna ..." and "Why can't you just ..."

I had to learn to stop putting it on him. It was really on me, anyway. I was the deciding factor, I just hadn't realize it.

And by the way, you’re right. Ultimatums don’t work. They end up being fruitless power struggles that if you win, leave the other person feeling bitter and vindictive, and if you lose, you may have very well lost for the other person’s pride rather than his reasoning. Just bad business all the way around. Much better to make your own decisions rather than force someone else to decide for you. So you decide. Gonna wait forever?

Love ya!


PS Sorry for the late post, ya’ll. My guy never did get that divorce, btw. He is however living with another chick that he’s wifed up. When's she gonna get a clue?


Monday, May 12, 2008

Low testosterone levels mistaken for gayness? Ya’ll heard a this shyt?

Like I was sayin earlier, my gaydar is seriously off. I might have to holla at Terrance Dean the next time I have a could-be situation. He, by the way, writes a deliciously juicy DL column, Confessions of a Down Low Man, over at Lovin it <-- said in the sing-songey “hated it voice” of the male movie critics from In Living Color. Member that?)

Anyway, I believe -- and will not be told different no matter what his friends say, Brian -- that I was in a months-long relationship with a DL guy.

I really, really liked this guy. Really liked him. We had fun together, our senses of humor clicked effortlessly, and outside of the bedroom, he was very generous. Under the sheets however, it was like pulling teeth. This guy never wanted to perform. I was mad like, I wanted to charge him rent for all the time he spent sleeping, in my bed. Really, sleeping.

Early on in the relationship he confided in me that he was born with this problem. He had below average testosterone levels. His body didn’t make near the amount of testosterone that other men’s bodies did. (Thinking back, he was naturally smooth and hardly ever had to shave …). Anyway, he said when he turned 18, he started taking these prescription testosterone shots on the advice of his doctor to help bring his levels up to nomal. He said it made him horny, angry and aggressive and he started lifting weights all the time and picking fights at random. This is a guy who hates confrontation, mind you, and who I’ve known to be very sensitive and definitely not aggressive. (Like a girl, really. Hindsight, of course). Anyway, he said He went off the shot after a couple of months because he didn’t like the person it made him. I was soooo understanding ya’ll. Honestly, I felt kinda warm and fuzzy that he shared all this with me. It’s not something he’d even told his best friend, who happens to be one of my very best guy friends and the one who introduced us. Brian. Who still doesn’t believe his boy is full blown or at the very least has tendancies. Im tryin to tell you. Anyway, I felt so absolutely priviledged at the time to be taken into his confidence, but clearly I don’t give a fuck anymore because I’m telling yall about it. That bullshyt was for the birds.

Slowly, he started revealing other things to me.

Like, he prefers wearing womens perfume to mens cologne, for one. Weird. But okay. I’ve fallen in love with a couple of mens fragrances before … though I don’t think I’ve actually worn them … but that was me justifying. Told yall, I really liked him. Then came the sex talk.

“Are you one of those girls that has to have sex all the time?” He asked me one night, head on the pillow, after a particularly sweaty session.

One of those girls? What am I, a nympho because I’m vocal and like to show my man I’m having a good time? Twice. At least twice.

“I guess, I should tell you, I don’t have a very high libido. I mean, My ex and I only did it like …”

I am stupefied.

“Like once a month or so,” he finished, ignoring my gaping jaw.

Serious. But ya’ll, even THEN, I was really tryin to work with dude. We compromised his once-a-month with my once-a-day and came up with a minimum of three times a week. Yes, we had this conversation. Like we'd been married for 15 years and got three kids in the other room or some shyt.

But even that didn’t work.

It got to the point where one day when we were in the car, I was just like, “look, are you gay? I just need to know.” The beginning of the end. Do you know this man looked at me and said, “Why do all my girlfriends ask me that? Every woman I’ve ever been with has asked me that.” Are you f*ckin kiddin me? Dude, you’re gay. Maybe you haven’t actually been plugged yet, perhaps you are vehemently suppressing the fantasies that no doubt appear in your mind when we’re on the sofa watching basketball together, perhaps it has not occurred to you that this is the reason you don’t find the idea of having pussy for dinner appealing. (This was another one of our twice a week fights. He didn’t mind me on top, just not on top of his face. So frustrating). Anyway, I was outdone.

“Every woman you’ve been with has asked you that?” I repeated in disbelief. Wow. He looked like I had hurt his feelings. Like, I’d called him a name or something.

Needless to say, it was a rap after that. A good four months of my life, wasted. Thx for that.

Anyway, I say all that to say this: Don’t ask me about gay men, or DL men, or men who like to suck dick but say they’re not gay. (Just threw that one in there so you’d understand the gravity of my ignorance on this score). I clearly have no idea what the f*ck is going on at any time.

-- Mel.

The chick after me, he's been with for like three years now. I'd love to have a sit-down chit chat with her. Have noooo idea how she takes it.


My man and his boy are a lil too tight. DL?

Dear Melyssa,

I’m a 23-year-old sista and me and my man have been together for a year and a half. The sex was godd at first (never great) but lately it’s nonexistent. We live together and these last few months, he’s been coming home late, working late, and staying out partying. Thing is, he’s given me no real reason to doubt him. He always calls and lets me know where he’s at, or if he’s not gonna be in time for dinner and he’ll just pick something up, or if he and his boy are goin by the bar after work … but that’s the thing. It’s always with his boy. I have never seen a dude call another dude at all times of night like this guy does. He rings my man’s phone at 12, 1 and 2 in the morning all during the week and shyt. What’s up with that? When I ask my man, “what did Damon want this time?” He just blows it off like, “You know Damon, his girl is trippin on him again.” Well I wish dude would find another shoulder to cry on or whatever the hell he’s doin with my man’s shoulder. When I told my girls about this they said I was bein crazy and paranoid. But here’s the biggest part … I usually work on Saturday afternoons, right? Well this particular Saturday they let me go early and I came home and walked in on my man and his boy sittin extra close on the sofa. Nothin super obvious like roaming hands or anything, but they were definitely closer than a couple of heterosexual dudes on a big ol couch should have been. As soon as I walked in they jumped and my man stood up and raced over to greet me. Super suspect.

So, what you think, is my man on the DL?

-- Fingers Crossed

Dear Fingers Crossed,

Damn. Sounds a lil sus to me too. But then, whado I know? I think I must have the worst gaydar in the history of inaccurate gaydar. Hasn’t always been that way. I could pick one out of a line up. Tangent: But there’s a new gayness out now. It’s like wallpaper, it blends in. LOL. I’ll have to tell you the story about one of my exes who used to wear women’s perfume, claimed to have a male period and always always, always wanted me on top ... when he wanted me at all. I can’t even go through that with you right now. I might regurgitate my lunch.

About your man, you know him best. I’d go with my gut. You’re sleeping with this man, eating with this man, sharing things, I imagine … you know him. If somethings not right, you know that, too. My gut tells me, if he jumped, somethin aint right. Best I can tell you is protect yourself. And you might wanna invest in one of those handy little surveillance cams for the bedroom. You can get one that looks like a clock radio. How cool is that?

Lemme know how this one turns out. Best of luck.

-- Mel

Got a query? Holla.


Monday, May 5, 2008

He won’t make her his chick but he wants to make a flick. Foul?

Dear Melyssa,

My friend has been talking to this guy for about two months (they are not official), and one day he texted her and asked her to make a video. She laughed and told him no, but in my mind, I was like she should have told him off. In my mind, it’s disrespectful. If a guy that I was with asked me to do that, I would think that he would show it to someone on that "oh look what i got" tip...and if he gets angry with me or whatever he could put it online and have my business out there. If my guy really respected me, he would never ask me for a video (pics maybe), because he already has me. I think he was just trying to see how far he could go with her, and was treating her like a jumpoff.

Now she argues that it isn’t disrespectful because he only pressed once and when she said no he let it go. And she was like, mad dudes she knew would ask their girl for a video and it wasn’t a big deal. And finally, she said that he would never show it to anyone. So, we put it to the test.

We both contacted some of our male friends and asked them what they thought. We got the same response...if it was his girl, then yeah they would ask, but keep it private...but if it was someone they were just messing with, they'd still ask for a video and then show it off on a jumpoff tip. And they all said that in her case, because she is not official with dude, he was probably treating her like a jumpoff, or like she was set out (one of them thought it was me and wanted dudes name and address on some "don't ask my lil sis that shit" type-steez).

So what is your opinion? Is that disrespectful or not?

-- Not no Kim or Paris

Dear Not no Kim or Paris,

I’m with you and the guys. He is definitely treating her like jumpoff status. If she was his girl, ehh, it’s still iffy as to whether at some point in the future he would show it to someone.

Sidebar: This is why if you ever do do anything on video you should always retain the only copy. But then,we’re in a digital age and there are no such thing as copies anymore. Dude could just email the vid to himself so quick and so fast, before he even rolls over and hands you his phone so you can delete the show. So really, it’s just not smart.

And TMI: I got one a those floating around in the stratosphere somewhere and when I get famous, I might have to put a hit out on dude.

Anyway, yeah I think his asking your girl to do it for the cam is definitely disrespectful. Especially since he had the nerve to make this request, which is a pretty big deal and requires a huge amount of trust (or stupidity) without even making his relationship with her official – which he knows he could do if he wanted to. He just doesn’t want to.

But you say you already got a concensus from some guys whose opinions you trust and she still won't listen. Sometimes you can't tell people, they just have to see it (all on the big screen) for themeselves.

Still, tho. He got his nerve. SMH. Lol.

What y'all think? Vote on the right.

-- Mel

PS Is she in his Top 8? Just askin.


If you want me on top, I need that top spot ... Top 8, that is

ey yall. So I’m back form a lil much needed vacay and I have a rant I’d like to share. Just bare with me it’ll be quick, I just need to get this out.

So I recently got back in touch with this guy form my past. Recent history, it’s only been a few years. And what a steamy past it was. Anyway, from the first few reconnecting convos, we’re both right back in, all hot and heated with the “remember when we did this?” And “OMG when you did that.”

Yes. Anyway, it had been about a month since we’d renewed this telephone friendship and dude has me rethinking all kinds a shyt. Namely, this whole celibacy thing. (Which, by the way, is really taking its toll on your girl).

We’re talking about how we’re gonna revisit 2005 and shyt, next time we get up. Fantastic year. Dude lives outta state and had me on Orbitz like, “okay, here’s a straight flight for $250,” which isn’t bad.

I say all this to say, I’m perusing his Myspace page the other night -- which is no good. Girls, don’t do it. Just stay off Myspace. It’s a whole lotta shyt goin on that … I mean, just why dyou wanna know? Stay off his Myspace page. – and imagin my surprise after all this 2 a.m. textin, and three hour chit-chatting, I’m like #42 on his friends list.

Is this a petty thing for a grown woman to be concerned about? Perhaps. But I’m pissed just the same. I tried to let it go like, it’s myspce, so what. But I couldn’t, yall. So I said something in our next conversation about it. Nothin combative or angry or anything like that. I think he was telling me something about how perfect I am for him and yadda yadda yadda, as he’d really been gassin me and I was just like, “Mhm, it can’t be that good. You got me on like page four on your Myspace,” ha ha, light chuckle. So he’s like, “Ah stop playin, I don’t even be on there like that,” Bullshyt. “But I’ma move you up where you belong when I sign on again.”

Why this nigga put me at No. 18? LOLOLOL

Nothin doin.

Just had to share. LOL. : )

-- Mel