Monday, May 12, 2008

Low testosterone levels mistaken for gayness? Ya’ll heard a this shyt?

Like I was sayin earlier, my gaydar is seriously off. I might have to holla at Terrance Dean the next time I have a could-be situation. He, by the way, writes a deliciously juicy DL column, Confessions of a Down Low Man, over at Lovin it <-- said in the sing-songey “hated it voice” of the male movie critics from In Living Color. Member that?)

Anyway, I believe -- and will not be told different no matter what his friends say, Brian -- that I was in a months-long relationship with a DL guy.

I really, really liked this guy. Really liked him. We had fun together, our senses of humor clicked effortlessly, and outside of the bedroom, he was very generous. Under the sheets however, it was like pulling teeth. This guy never wanted to perform. I was mad like, I wanted to charge him rent for all the time he spent sleeping, in my bed. Really, sleeping.

Early on in the relationship he confided in me that he was born with this problem. He had below average testosterone levels. His body didn’t make near the amount of testosterone that other men’s bodies did. (Thinking back, he was naturally smooth and hardly ever had to shave …). Anyway, he said when he turned 18, he started taking these prescription testosterone shots on the advice of his doctor to help bring his levels up to nomal. He said it made him horny, angry and aggressive and he started lifting weights all the time and picking fights at random. This is a guy who hates confrontation, mind you, and who I’ve known to be very sensitive and definitely not aggressive. (Like a girl, really. Hindsight, of course). Anyway, he said He went off the shot after a couple of months because he didn’t like the person it made him. I was soooo understanding ya’ll. Honestly, I felt kinda warm and fuzzy that he shared all this with me. It’s not something he’d even told his best friend, who happens to be one of my very best guy friends and the one who introduced us. Brian. Who still doesn’t believe his boy is full blown or at the very least has tendancies. Im tryin to tell you. Anyway, I felt so absolutely priviledged at the time to be taken into his confidence, but clearly I don’t give a fuck anymore because I’m telling yall about it. That bullshyt was for the birds.

Slowly, he started revealing other things to me.

Like, he prefers wearing womens perfume to mens cologne, for one. Weird. But okay. I’ve fallen in love with a couple of mens fragrances before … though I don’t think I’ve actually worn them … but that was me justifying. Told yall, I really liked him. Then came the sex talk.

“Are you one of those girls that has to have sex all the time?” He asked me one night, head on the pillow, after a particularly sweaty session.

One of those girls? What am I, a nympho because I’m vocal and like to show my man I’m having a good time? Twice. At least twice.

“I guess, I should tell you, I don’t have a very high libido. I mean, My ex and I only did it like …”

I am stupefied.

“Like once a month or so,” he finished, ignoring my gaping jaw.

Serious. But ya’ll, even THEN, I was really tryin to work with dude. We compromised his once-a-month with my once-a-day and came up with a minimum of three times a week. Yes, we had this conversation. Like we'd been married for 15 years and got three kids in the other room or some shyt.

But even that didn’t work.

It got to the point where one day when we were in the car, I was just like, “look, are you gay? I just need to know.” The beginning of the end. Do you know this man looked at me and said, “Why do all my girlfriends ask me that? Every woman I’ve ever been with has asked me that.” Are you f*ckin kiddin me? Dude, you’re gay. Maybe you haven’t actually been plugged yet, perhaps you are vehemently suppressing the fantasies that no doubt appear in your mind when we’re on the sofa watching basketball together, perhaps it has not occurred to you that this is the reason you don’t find the idea of having pussy for dinner appealing. (This was another one of our twice a week fights. He didn’t mind me on top, just not on top of his face. So frustrating). Anyway, I was outdone.

“Every woman you’ve been with has asked you that?” I repeated in disbelief. Wow. He looked like I had hurt his feelings. Like, I’d called him a name or something.

Needless to say, it was a rap after that. A good four months of my life, wasted. Thx for that.

Anyway, I say all that to say this: Don’t ask me about gay men, or DL men, or men who like to suck dick but say they’re not gay. (Just threw that one in there so you’d understand the gravity of my ignorance on this score). I clearly have no idea what the f*ck is going on at any time.

-- Mel.

The chick after me, he's been with for like three years now. I'd love to have a sit-down chit chat with her. Have noooo idea how she takes it.


thatnyckhick said...

Three words: that's some bullshit.
Really, regardless of hormone levels, if you're a dude you're a dude. Medical conditions occur, sure, but like I said that's some bullshit.
Excuses, excuses. I understand it can be tough being gay or bi in the Black community (and first you need to admit that ish) but jeez if you like dick you like dick. I hate to curse and be blunt, but it is what it is.

Melyssa Ganache said...

LOL. My sentiments exactly. That's some bullshit. I'm so thru. Thx NY Chick!