Monday, May 19, 2008

How long should I share my married man?

Dear Melyssa,

I’ll keep this brief because I’m so sick of thinking about the whole thing, but I need help. I have been seeing this guy for a little over a year now. He’s perfect for me. I love him to death. He’s the perfect gentlemen, opens doors, brings me flowers, calls me every day at work, the sex is THA BOMB!!!! Here’s the thing … He’s married with two kids. He’s not in love with his wife and he’s only there because of the kids. He loves them dearly and they’re the center of his life. But I’m sick of him getting up and going home at 11 p.m. because he told his wife he was working late. I want him full time. I’m trying not to pressure him and he says he’s waiting for the right time to break it to her. She’s a good woman and has been a good wife and he knows she doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but he needs to be happy. Heres my question. I know ultimatums don’t work, but how do I put a time limit on this thing without him feeling like I’m backing him into a corner? I can’t wait forever …

--Waiting Forever

Dear Waiting Forever,

Well. You’re involved with a married man. He has two kids, he runs home every night just before the clock strikes twelve after sexing you up, he’s selling you dreams about leaving his wife and making a life with you … but your question to me is, how can you not make him feel pressured? Are you serious?

I really want to scream. One, because unfortunatley, I’ve got a similar experience to share, and second, because it’s such a stupid predicament to be in. Ugh! When will we learn.

First, let me just say this. I know you’ve heard it a million time from your girlfriends or your mom (if you’re bold enough to share this mess with them) but he’s not leaving his wife. There ya go. Married men don’t leave their wives for chicks on the side. Second, if he is ever gonna leave his wife ever, he certainly is not gonna do it while you’re still spreading em on the regular. This is just simple logic, right here. Why should he? Perhaps you’ve heard that before too.

So, I’ll try to tell you something new, and what I had to tell my six-months-long, married affair – who for the record had been living apart form his wife for a year before we met and had no kids. For the record. Tho I’m not judging—Anyway, I had to tell dude:

“This isn’t an ultimatum. I hate ultimatums. But I have to tell you something about me. I’m not the kind of girl that dates married men. Six months in, I know this must be a revelation for you, but really. This is so out of character for me. So I have to correct my mistake. I can’t do this anymore. I like you a lot, I’ve really enjoyed our time together and I’d love to hear from you when you’re free. I hope it’s soon. Muah!” <---Laid a nice wet one on him before exiting, Priceless.

See that? No time constraints, the time is now. You haven’t made a request of him, you’ve made a decision for you, and in so doing, taken control of a situation that had you previously laid out on the floor like a door mat (whether you know it now or not).

And just to keep it 100, this convo took place after several failed attempts with phrases like "If you don't ... I'm gonna ..." and "When are you gonna ..." and "Why can't you just ..."

I had to learn to stop putting it on him. It was really on me, anyway. I was the deciding factor, I just hadn't realize it.

And by the way, you’re right. Ultimatums don’t work. They end up being fruitless power struggles that if you win, leave the other person feeling bitter and vindictive, and if you lose, you may have very well lost for the other person’s pride rather than his reasoning. Just bad business all the way around. Much better to make your own decisions rather than force someone else to decide for you. So you decide. Gonna wait forever?

Love ya!


PS Sorry for the late post, ya’ll. My guy never did get that divorce, btw. He is however living with another chick that he’s wifed up. When's she gonna get a clue?


thatnyckhick said...

how can you expect a married man to leave his deal for his side piece? I'll never understand...Of course ultimatums don't work, how can you bargin from an inferior position? (Inferior b/c you're living in a managomous relationship when clearly he is not.)
Those base facts said, if ever one wants get with a married person, you need to treat it was a jump-off/slide type of relationship. That person has nothing to give you but "d*ck and bubblegum" as the saying goes...