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Dear Melyssa,
We’ve gone back and forth about his failing to propose in recent months and he always said the same thing, he’s just not ready. Then, he got word form his ship (he’s a sailor) that he’d have to deploy for six months, and voila! He pops up with a ring. I wanna accept whole heartedly ( I already told him yes) but I have my reservations. Does the timing even matter? Am I just being silly. I mean, this man loves me and I love him.
Mel
A vacaytionship is a vacation-like relationship. It feels like jetting off to an island somewhere. A drama-free, stress-free, easy, breezy, cocktails-at-noon type of arrangement.
It always feels like the first time because you meet up away from home and with long periods of time in between. It may have been a few months, it may have been a year since your last encounter, but it’s coming up on the calendar again.
Bringing the seeming self-
deprecation to a feverish climax, I present: 13 Reasons Not to Mess with Women with Kids:
My guy Gyant grabbed this from BlogXilla.com. I’ve quoted it here verbatim, thus the first person account. (Both a y'all motherfuckers are wrong for this shit, too).
1) Baby Damage - Birth has a traumatic effect on the female form. Pregnancy leaves stretch marks, saggy breasts, and c-section scars. I’ve also heard that the nookie is even stretched out and it isn’t the same anymore. Then there’s the weight gain. Most women NEVER LOSE IT or they never get their former hot shape back.
2) “I Can’t Find A Baby-Sitter” - Women will use this as an excuse to get out of a date with you or they legitimately can’t find a baby-sitter. Either case it isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.
3) Babies Interrupt Sex - I’ve had this happen to me. I was banging a woman and her kid interrupted my sex. Needless to say I was pissed. If some kid is going to interrupt the meanest head you’ve ever gotten, that kid should have your last name.
4) Baby’s Daddy - When you’re dealing with a woman and your getting to know her, you shouldn’t have to deal with the kid’s father. Some guys can’t get over the fact that their ex has moved on. Before he was an un-attentive jerk and didn’t give a jolly goddamn about her. Now that you’ve entered into the picture, the dude wants to be the ideal boyfriend and a “father of the year,” nominee. The guy stars stalking her and wants to fight you. Even if the woman and guy are on good terms, the guy feels as if he can always smash. He knows her. He knows what she wants to hear and what makes her happy. The next you know your having this conversation- “I’ve decided to try and make it work with Jimmy’s dad”. Best way to avoid the situation is to avoid single moms.
5)Rent-A-Daddy - Realizing her mistake, realizing that kids (especially boys need fathers), the woman gets desperate. Any and every guy has the potential to be a daddy. You’re out trying to get some, not inherit a family.
6)The Kids Are Still Up - This is only a problem if you're trying to pursue something other than a booty call. Wanting to spend time with you, but not wanting to bring strange men around her kids, you find yourself only seeing this female after 10 or 11PM. You want to move forward, but she has to make sure you're the “one". This could take months. I suggest dealing with women that are readily available to hang out.
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7) Double Heart Break - You are with the woman, then everything falls apart. Not only do you have to deal with losing the woman, but you’ve formed a bond with lil’ Jimmy. You and Jimmy play HALO together, watch the Wizards’ hoop it up, go to the zoo, and things dads do with sons or daughters. On top of maybe missing the woman, you miss the kid.
8) You're Not My Dad. - You hook up with the woman, eventually the issue of discipline is going to come up. Some kid being resentful or just a being bratty prick is going to eventuallly pull the “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!!!” card. Personally if I did date single mothers and some dumba$$ kid pulled that stunt on me, I would say, “You're right. I’m not your father. Since I have no authority over you and you refuse to listen to me, you need to pack your sh*t and go live with your dad.” This would be a deal breaker for me. In addition some mothers or the dad would have problem with you disciplining their kid. I’m sorry, if some kid broke my laptop, I’m whooping his a$$.
9)You Know What She's Going To Do - She already has one kid, if you knock her up, it’s safe to assume she’s going to have another one.
10) Bad Judge of Character - This female got knocked up by somebody that she was “supposedly in love with.” Not only is she a bad judge of character, she’s GROSSLY irresponsible. The same guy that’s an a$$hole now, is the same guy she thought the world of and had unprotected sex with.
11) Unnecessary Expenditures - Eventually you’ll get to meet the kid(s.) Soon those dates turn into family outings. Instead of paying for two people, your paying for three or more. The same goes if you move in with her.
12) You’ll Never Be 1 - When you're trying to build a relationship with somebody, you should be the focus of the woman’s life. It should be about you and her. If she has a kid, you’ll NEVER BE 1!!! That’s not a bad thing either, but it’s something I don’t want to deal with. Neither should you.
13)Tag, You're It! - This should be the BIGGEST deterrent to EVER dealing with a single mother. In some jurisdictions, I think
Spotted @BlogXilla.com
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PS Ladies, it doesn’t have to be like the hopefully horribly exaggerated pic I posted. LOL. Really, I found this something-like-a-miracle product this summer, Nivea Goodbye Cellulite Gel. Heaven! It’s marketed to smooth cellulite which it absolutely does, but it also drastically minimizes the appearance of stretch marks on the tummy and blemishes on the face, (in like days, I swear! I was in a bikini this summer. Not a tankini, a bikinin. Goes for about 10 bucks at Walmart. Throwin it out there.
(This shit right here, nigga? This shit right here?)
-- Mel
A good guy friend of mine, who happens to be a divorced dad with two kids, took issue with the advice I gave the lady who wrote in the other day. I told her to stop pining away over some dude who’s got baggage (read: a soon-to-be ex-wife and a couple of kids).
He said (outside this particular guy still being technically married) that a man with kids could move onto a new relationship and be a wonderful, supportive and loving partner. That he could manage his new love life, as well as his fatherhood and his relationship with his ex properly, if he’s a good and self-respecting man. He said that when women skip over men simply because that man has a child, they could be missing out on what could be a wonderful and life-long love.
Well that’s beautiful, and I agree, a woman with no attachments can find a wonderful life partner in a man who already happens to be a father, but if she can find love in a man who doesn’t already have the instant family, why wouldn’t she? I mean there’s a reason that meeting, dating, falling in love, marrying and then deciding to start a family is considered the ideal. It’s because it’s ideal. I just feel like as a young woman with no attachments, she has a shot at that ideal. I think she should go for that, first.
My friend said kids don’t have to be viewed as "baggage." He’s dated women with kids and so have his friends and he doesn’t wanna be passed over either, by could-be romantic interests because of his own children. (Neither do I, but such is life).
I’m sure there are plenty of men who don’t mind dating women with children, but I promise you, no single man who doesn’t have kids is cruising Black Planet looking for profiles who specifically have the “I have kids” box checked. (Do people even go on Black Planet anymore? I haven’t checked my profile in like 7 years). Certainly those men are looking for other attributes, beauty, brains, ambition, is she funny, is she down to earth … and perhaps if she has all of those things plus a kid, well maybe he can accept that. But the kids in and of themselves? They’re a con, not a pro, in the dating pool. That’s all I’m sayin.
It’s a harsh and personal reality for me. I get that my becoming a single mom hasn’t increased my desirability. I know that, put up against a woman with the same characteristics I’d like to believe I have -- charisma, beauty, intelligence … all that -- I know the chick without the child, who has all that stuff too, probably registers a little higher on a guy’s list. I get that and I accept that. It’s one of the reasons I fought so hard not to be a single mom in the first place. Who wants that? (Though, believe me there are worse things). But still. Any dude who wants into my bedroom, my calendar or my life in any respect has gotta feel a different kind of pressure than he might feel dating a woman with no attachments. He has to know that at some point, I’m looking for him to settle down and be step dad. That’s right. Step dad. Because I am now part of a package deal. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about right out the gate, but I don’t have time to spend on some man frivolously any more. I’m somebody’s mama, y’know? (Except, of course for my new thing … LOL. He’s just for play. But he’s outta town so that doesn’t count right? Look, I’m grown).
Anyway, that’s my take. What say you?
-- Mel
By the way, I looove this song. (Though when it came out I couldn’t have been further from this reality. How the winds have changed).
Dear Melyssa,
I know this is all new to him and a tad bittersweet (me entering his life while his wife leaves his life) but how long am I supposed to wait for him to get his act together and accept that his old life is over and move onto a new life with me? It’s only been a few months, but we know each other well and this could definitely work out long term. Plus, he's a good dude, believes in the sanctity of marriage and has never cheated before. He's really perfect. So am I being completely foolish in this or what?
Dear Reluctantly Patient,
Perhaps some of you avid indulgers have heard of this, but it was a bit of useful news to me. And they have a comparable product for women too! Only comes in lemon, tho. I dunno how I’d feel about tasting sour. 
… And speaking of sucking dick. Okay, I know we weren’t but is there ever a bad time to talk about fellatio? I think not.
Y’know what? I’m gonna stop professing to be abstinent. Because really, what is an abstinent person who continues to have sex? Not abstinent, that’s what. So I’m giving up that title. It was a great experience, I had a long run, (a good 2 ½ years) I’m proud of myself and all that, but fuck it. Literally.
So I just came back from my second vacay, sponsored by the guy I was so mad at not a month ago. Yeah, well, there will be a third. He’s footing the bill for that one, too. I didn't even confront him about the white girl. How could I, really? I mean, it's not like he violated any rules of our "relationship." We did discuss when we'd see each other again tho, and when we'd see each other after that, and how often I could come back ... I know, I know, I know, I said I was gonna let it go. I said I was mad and hurt and needed to get over it and would reclaim my celibacy and all that … I know. But I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say.
Dear Melyssa,
Lately, a lot has happened in his life. His grandfather who raised him died, got 15 years in jail for some dumb shit and he got a scholarship to grad school in another state, after I moved to
Not taking away from the forever life-altering changes he’s been thru lately -- some good, some bad -- But those are the kinds of things that bring two people who love each other and want to be together, together. Two people bond over death, over the separation of loved ones ... It’s what makes a mourning person so vulnerable. It’s what makes the hazing process so successful.
I’m sure he’s every bit as devastated about some of these events as he tells you he is. But I don’t think I can ride with that being the primary reason for his wanting to cut official ties with you. Ya’ll have been together since you were babies. I think he may just wanna explore his options and open up his horizons. You might wanna do the same.
Mean time, in between time, don’t fret too bad. He’ll be back at least a few times before it’s over for good, if it’s destined to be over for good. These drawn out, been-together-since-French-class relationships never end so cleanly. There’s always the back and forth before the final break.
While you're going through all that tho, the best thing you can do is to be cool and not clingy. He wants to keep it movin, allow him to. Trust, he can't stand the thought of you lyin up under some other dude anymore than you want to face the inevitability of him giving it to another chick. If you maintain the proper temperature about this, you could possibly completely turn the tables, have him wondering why you're so able to deal with his sudden announcement that he wants to break it off after all these years. What you got on the back burner that allows you to take the news so well? What are you doin at midnite, 2 and 3 a.m. that you're not callin his phone to see what he's doin? But don't just fake it, do it. Get out and mingle.
This separation doesn’t have to be all bad. Cheer up, and congrats to both of you for doin the damn thing and headin to grad school straight outta undergrad. You inspire me. : )
-- Mel
Donell Jones said it best …
She spends her early evening grinding her scantily clad ass over the erect-beneath-sweat-pants wearing happy hour crowd. She whispers in the ears of the lonely, lovelorn and cash-carrying about all the nasty things she’d like to do to whatever gentlemen she’s escorted to the back room. She sexily contorts her body in stilettos for a living and brings her paychecks home in ones and fives. Yet, at night, she climbs in your bed and spoons with you.
I mean, I’m a pretty open minded person, but I don’t understand how simulated sex to music, outside an otherwise monogamous relationship is ok. I don't care if you are gettin paid and bringin home the cash. Maybe I’m just being judgmental.
Dear Melyssa,
I have no problem with what he does with anybody else, but recently I met someone. I’m really feeling this dude and he’s really feeling me. But he’s having a hard time dealing with the fact that I live with my ex-man. He’s never been to my place and thinks that I’m keeping him away because I’m still with my man. I’m not. But the new guy says he won’t believe me until he can come over like a regular relationship. Hang out, eat dinner, stay the night … like a real boyfriend.
PS. I'm not ready to move in with the new guy and FYI, he hasn't offered anyway.
I was feeling a little adventurous and decided to start a new series. Something like sex ed. I think I'll call it "Sex is in Session." Cute, right? It’ll be fun. So every week or two, depending upon how quickly these things come to me, I’ll post a new how-to. If I’ve done it, I’ll leave a review, either way, if you try something new, share with the group. Who’s up for it!? Aw, cmon.
The woman should be lying naked on her back, knees bent and legs slightly apart. Apply a little baby oil to your hands.
Put your hands together, as if you were saying a prayer. Bend each of your ring fingers down. The tip of your left ring finger should be touching the knuckle of your right ring finger; the tip of your right ring finger should be touching the knuckle of your left ring finger. All of your other fingers should remain extended.
Now comes the "ladies choice" part of this technique. In the classic Venus Butterfly, your extended pinkies would be inserted into your woman's anus. Many women prefer that, instead, you simply fold your pinkies over like your ring fingers. It's totally a matter of personal preference.
Next, insert your middle fingers into her vagina. Your index fingers should be placed on both sides of your woman's clitoris.
Keeping your fingers together, open your palms so that your thumbs are about three inches apart. Begin to rub your fingers back and forth, as if you were trying to warm them. When you do this, your hands will resemble a butterfly flapping its wings.
That’s it. Lemme know how it works out. Tell me, tell me, tell me!
Rules:1. Put the logo on your blog. 2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you. 3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. 4. Add links to these blogs on your blog. 5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.
Thank you, thank you to Mista Jaycee of A Choice of Weapons. He nominated me for a Brillante Weblog Premio Award and I am honored. This is my first independent foray into the blogosphere and I'm bumbling along, but love the love. Preciate it. So I'm passing it on to a few blogs who I feel also deserve recognition.
Drum roll please ...
And in no particular order, here are some great reads that I read on the regular:
1. Very Smart Brothas http://www.verysmartbrothas.com/
2. Anonymiss http://anonymissblog.blogspot.com/
3. Sex on the Beach mag http://www.sexonthebeachmag.com/
4. Blogxilla http://blogxilla.com/
5. Ursula's Not So Secret History http://www.barzey.com/
6. Brown Girl Gumbo http://browngirlgumbo.blogspot.com/
7. Eb the Celeb http://renaissanceblackwoman.blogspot.com/
Every woman wants a faithful man. A man who takes care of home, remembers favorite colors, important dates and little hints like, "I love that dress," made on a whim. We want him to be there when he says he's gonna be and call if something comes up; to make the bedroom rock at least a few nights out of each work week and only, only, ever, ever, ever give it to us. We can agree on that right?
But how bad is say, 8 out of 10, really? I mean, what if he's everything you want him to be and does everything you imagined your knight would do, with the exception of exclusivity? Is the illusion of fidelity enough?
I'd gotten to the point some time ago -- I mean scraping the bottom of the man barrel, y'all -- when I thought that perhaps it was. Long as the rent gets paid on time, he doesn't slack off at home and he always crawls in bed next to me before the sun comes up, I thought I might be cool with that. I mean, his phone isn't ringin all crazy after hours, random bitches aren't knockin on the door proclaiming they're fucking my man and unreasonable amounts of money aren't unaccounted for ... Maybe that could work. Admittedly, I'm not completely past this thinking.
Call me jaded, but I feel like the alternative, "you must never place your penis anywhere else for the next 80 years until you die," is scary to most men at best (hell, its scary to me) and unreasonable, borderline impossible, at worst.
You tell me, does it really matter if he occasionally gets it in? (Protected, of course, and I'm not talkin about a full blown emotional love affair).
What do y'all think? Is the illusion of fidelity as good as the real thing? Perhaps it's just good enough. It should be noted tho, that a guy who is sleepin around has to put in some real hard work to keep our women's intuition quiet and our investigative skills at bay. I dunno maybe that's worth somethin. Just sayin.
Hit up the survey to the right, please and thank ya.
-- Mel
Learned something new recently. The Saturn return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs in a person's life at approximately 27–30 years of age and again around the age of 58–60, with the third and usually final occurrence around 86-88. The planet Saturn takes approximately 29.5 years to orbit the Sun; when it returns to the exact degree along the ecliptic it occupied at the time of a person's birth this is referred to as their "Saturn Return".
This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage and is considered by many astrologers to mark the "true beginning" of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, responsibility, ambition, and full maturation.
So today, I'm 30. Happy birthday to me. Oh, the pressure.
Thanks for the education, Jared.
-Melyssa Ganache
Dear Melyssa,
I can’t take it anymore. Several nights out of the week around 3 a.m. I am awakened to oohs, ahhs and ass-slapping coming through the walls from the computer room. My man has this thing with porn, he watches it entirely too much as far as I’m concerned and our sex life is suffering.
I kinda feel stupid for being jealous of chicks on a screen, but I am. He spends hours on porn and gets back into bed tired and uninterested. WTF? We’ve been together for two years, living together for half that time and I’m about ready to call it quits. It’s not like we haven’t tried things. We’ve made our own videos, but he prefers to watch the pros. I’ve dressed up for him,a ll types a shit … even tried a little back door action which I had NO interest in. I did it for him. I indulge his needs and his fantasies. But I have to draw the line at this.
Dear Tired,
Every man does like porn. I like porn too, actually. (My fav sites are dreammovies(dot)com and magicmovies(dot)com. Great daily evolving selection of flicks and all free. Plus, you can stream full length vids, not that clip bullshit.) Tangent, sorry. But it’s an occasional variation for me. (How dyou think I was able to remain celibate for over 2 years?) Not a necessary five-times-a-week requirement. If I had a regular boyfriend, I’d probably indulge even less.
I hate this question but in most burgeoning relationships, it’s something like an inevitability. It always comes at the median in your time together, when things are on the verge of either becoming serious or falling off.
I mean, there’s so much pressure packed into that little question and no mater how nonchalantly the subject is broached, it’s absolutely a fork in the road. It matters. This is where you’re either approved as next level material, or condemned to a forever lesser status in his eyes.
Dear Melyssa,
I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my son’s father since I was 14. For a while he was my first and only. When we broke up I was devastated. I didn’t think I would ever meet another man that knew me so well and could make me feel so good. Boy was I wrong. -- Obsessed with the “D” Yeah, sounds like it. LOL. Nah I'm just kidding. No, it really does sound like it, but so what. :)
Lol, I don’t even want to give you my head count. I’m obsessed with the things that men other than him can do to my body ...
I went so long not knowing what it was like to have multiple orgasms or touch myself. Lol, I’m a straight freak now. Its like my ex had never taught me anything sexually, and now I am learning new things everyday.
My question is, am I a hoe for being “sexually adventurous” with different men? I practice safe sex ALWAYS. And I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t give it up on the first night because I DO. I make it a point to do so. I do that so that I know if I ever plan to see the guy again. It doesn’t bother me that these men may be using me just for sex, because that is ALL I want from them. I have no desire to be in another relationship anytime soon. Please give me your opinion on this.
I, for one, loathe derogatory name-calling of the sexual variety. I don't do it. I also identify with where you're at right now with your sexual progression. I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy I remained with for 3 years thereafter. I thought he was blowin it out the frame till I had my second encounter. Third one was even better than that.
But it doesn't end with discovery. Well for me it didn't. I went through phases. First, something of a sexual recluse, ashamed to admit to my girlfriends that I'd given my boyfriend head for the first time, faithful beyond reproach and insistent that because I'd only had sex with one guy we were married in Gods eyes. LOL madness, I know. Then there was the coming into my womanhood phase where I set out to completely own my sexuality. I wasn't lookin for a relationship, but a good time, a great fuck and a new diary entry. Fantastic period by the way. I learned a lot and my girls and I still laugh about somea the drunken debauchery we blessed more than a few non-deserving ass dudes with. Didn't matter to me then, tho. I think that's where you're at.
But I moved past that to a place where no strings attached sex actually lost its shiny new luster and actually became more of a bore. I wanted more. I'm sure you will again, too.
Thing is, this period of your life isn't isolated. It will matter when you do get ready to settle down again. Sullied reputations are hard to clean, and once an ugly name is attached to your character it's difficult to break outta that. No man wants to sport a girl on his arm that three or four other dudes in the room have run through.
I feel your desire to try out the local fair, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process. Perhaps having a relationship right now isn't a priority for you. That's cool, you're really too young to be all tied down and monagamous anyway, but the earning of respect is a different matter. Though I'll never call you a hoe or a slut or any other woman, for that mattter, most of the guys your sleepin with on the first night do. Especially the young ones. It's not fair, it sucks, but that's what it is. And it doesn't matter if you want it just as bad as they do, when a woman lies down with a man, she puts herself, and especially her reputation, in a much more vulnerable state than he does. Nobody cares if a dude runs thru 100 chicks on the same campus, but let a girl get with two frat brothers from the same line, even if its two different semesters! LOL (This, I know from experience). Trust, you don't wanna wear that scarlet letter.
My advice is not to so much concern yourself with somebody else's idea of what a slut or a hoe is - tho to answer your question, your activity probably fits the masses' broad definitions of those ugly words - rather, be safe, be discreet, and above all else be absolutely sure you're getting your due out of the arrangement. I know you say you are, but we're women and we change our minds. Just know that when you do decide you want more ... Well its gonna be hard revisitng old flames who were never required to think of you as deserving more in the first place; and equally difficult to forge new relationships with men to whom your reputation precedes you.
But you're 20. Fuck dyou care? LOL have fun, be safe.
-- Mel
So I told ya’ll about the married guy that I’ve been having a text/phone affair with that I’ve been going back and forth about hooking up with. The “back” is because my moral compass continues to nudge me to the right as I steadily insist on drifting to the left; the “forth” is because dude has the stamina of a work horse and knows me oh so well.
You know, the dudes who get in through the VIP entrance; who do not have to wait in line; who do not have to meet the same standards you might apply to other partners; who don’t have to call two days ahead of time; for whom you’ll drop just about anything that can be dropped when he’s in town; and you lay that shit out for him when he gets there … that guy. They just get to slip right through the velvet rope, no ID check, no pat down, no hassle by security, none a that shit. Aaaallll love.
Jay said it so well ...
Dear Melyssa,
I’m not tryin to break up a happy home. He’s given me no illusion that he’s about to leave his wife or anything like that. And I’m not even in a place where I’m lookin for a super committed relationship. But a few sweaty, limb-locking days with this guy would really hit the spot right about now. It’s just sex, right? I know I’m rationalizing, but would you do it? he works it out it works out for ya. : )
I’ve been thinking a lot about sucking dick lately, call me crazy. I suppose it’s all part of this natural regression I’m going through, fresh off a hot, steamy, weekend tryst and trying my hardest to safely settle back into celibacy (which includes oral sex for the ass hole dude who didn’t seem to know that. Jackass). I will resist the penis. I will resist the penis, I will resist the penis. : )
Four out of 6, y’all, 4 outta 6 a these chicks are drinking their breakfast. I was kindalike whoa. Is that what’s hot in the street? I mean, I’ve always thought myself to be a sexual progressive. But I’m a little late on this one. So I did a lil research for y’all and thought I’d share.
Semen contains at least 13 prostaglandins and high concentrations of hormones that retain potency if taken orally. The quality of the seminal hormones is thought to be superior to even prescription versions. In a study, women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely. It is thought that the oral consumption of the potent hormones had a balancing effect on woman's hormonal ups and downs caused by their periods and pregnancy or breastfeeding.
The key though, ladies, is “regular consumption.” Anniversaries and birthdays, or even once a week, isn’t good enough to reap the benefits. According to the study, the women who got results sucked and swallowed four to five times a week. Yes, damn near every day. Dayum. Lol.
Dear Melyssa,
He sat me down and told me he sees no difference between having a relationship with a woman or a man. When he’s looking for a partner, he’s looking for certain characteristics, not necessarily a gender. He told me he’s only had one relationship with a man though and has been with all women before and since. But he says he doesn’t regret it and doesn’t see a problem with it and he could be in a relationship with a man again.
-- Not So Fine Bi Me
Dear Not So Fine Bi Me,
For real tho, you deserve better so you have to require better.
Not that I have it all together, but ... Click the pic to ask Melyssa ...
