Monday, September 15, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Wedding proposal or chastity insurance?

Dear Melyssa,

My boyfriend of three years just proposed to me. I’ve been waiting on him to pop the question for at least a year and I should be the happiest girl in the world right now. But I’m concerned that the only reason he even asked is to keep me faithful while he’s away.

We’ve gone back and forth about his failing to propose in recent months and he always said the same thing, he’s just not ready. Then, he got word form his ship (he’s a sailor) that he’d have to deploy for six months, and voila! He pops up with a ring. I wanna accept whole heartedly ( I already told him yes) but I have my reservations. Does the timing even matter? Am I just being silly. I mean, this man loves me and I love him.

-- Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Wedding proposal or chastity insurance? I’m gonna say there’s a bit of both in your new fiance’s proposition. I’m sure he loves you deeply and sees you as the woman he wants to eventually marry, I just don’t know if he really wants to marry you right now. He’s practically said as much, right? But all of the sudden, right before he gets sent of for six months, he wants to wrap up his deal with you. Mhm. At some point, he may have gotten down on one knee, but he would absolutely not be doing it now if it weren’t for Uncle Sam’s summons. I’ve never been married (though I have turned down one proposal), but I’m gonna have to advice you to temporarily pass.

If he wants to marry you now, and his wishes are sincere, then he’ll wanna marry you in six months when he’s back on state’s side. Why should he have the security that for his entire deployment you’re gonna be waiting for him faithfully, pining away after him, throwing yourself into ribbon-adorned invitations, flowers and pictures of towering wedding cakes. Ha!

I say, let him squirm a little. Tell him, your engagement is something that really special and you want to be able to share it with him and you’d like to hold off on that engagement until he’s home and able to be a part of the planning and the excitement. And by the way, you do deserve that. Tell him you’re thrilled that he wants to spend his life with you, but this six months away from each other will also be a test of your relationship. Let’s get through that before we start making wedding announcements, k?

Best of luck, whatever you decide. Lemme know how it turns out!




Wednesday, September 3, 2008

The Vacaytionship: A destination relationship

A vacaytionship is a vacation-like relationship. It feels like jetting off to an island somewhere. A drama-free, stress-free, easy, breezy, cocktails-at-noon type of arrangement.

It always feels like the first time because you meet up away from home and with long periods of time in between. It may have been a few months, it may have been a year since your last encounter, but it’s coming up on the calendar again.

It’s a temporary, out-of-town departure, perhaps from your real relationship at home, similar to the way a trip to Hawaii is a vacay from the office. Kinda like that.
After, you’re only left with a few pics (if you’re brave enough to memorialize your tryst with such hard evidence), great memories and a lingering longing for the next get away. That’s what keeps it new. You always want more because the trips are just short enough that you’re not ready to leave, and the time in between is just long enough to keep you wanting for the next one. The peculiar combo of the old and new makes for amazing sex, too, because it’s always like the first time. Kind of. There’s the convenient familiarity still remaining from the last time -- So you already know exactly what each other likes, what to do where, how long to do what … all that -- Only without the boredom that can tend to accompany familiarity. Because you’ve only been together once in the past six months. Hot.
I just entered into a new vacationship. Perfect for me, because honestly, I really don’t have room in my life right now for a real live every day-responsible, grown-up and accountable relationship. And the once-every-three-months thing that I’ve got goin with this guy is so much more thrilling than having somebody at home waiting on me every night, anyway. (Tho I do remember what that feels like and it was once nice). Still, I’ve got my work and my baby and some projects I’m trying to launch. It’s all kinda demanding, so I’m straight on that right now. But being a hopeless romantic, I admit, I’m in love with being in love. This lil off-again, on-again, is just what the doc ordered.
Ever had a vacaytionship? Share with the group.
-- Mel
Cam'ron feat Amerie - Weekend Girl


Friday, August 29, 2008

Why single men shouldn’t date women with kids

Bringing the seeming self-
to a feverish climax, I present: 13 Reasons Not to Mess with Women with Kids:

My guy Gyant grabbed this from I’ve quoted it here verbatim, thus the first person account. (Both a y'all motherfuckers are wrong for this shit, too).

1) Baby Damage - Birth has a traumatic effect on the female form. Pregnancy leaves stretch marks, saggy breasts, and c-section scars. I’ve also heard that the nookie is even stretched out and it isn’t the same anymore. Then there’s the weight gain. Most women NEVER LOSE IT or they never get their former hot shape back.

2) “I Can’t Find A Baby-Sitter” - Women will use this as an excuse to get out of a date with you or they legitimately can’t find a baby-sitter. Either case it isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to deal with it.

3) Babies Interrupt Sex - I’ve had this happen to me. I was banging a woman and her kid interrupted my sex. Needless to say I was pissed. If some kid is going to interrupt the meanest head you’ve ever gotten, that kid should have your last name.

4) Baby’s Daddy - When you’re dealing with a woman and your getting to know her, you shouldn’t have to deal with the kid’s father. Some guys can’t get over the fact that their ex has moved on. Before he was an un-attentive jerk and didn’t give a jolly goddamn about her. Now that you’ve entered into the picture, the dude wants to be the ideal boyfriend and a “father of the year,” nominee. The guy stars stalking her and wants to fight you. Even if the woman and guy are on good terms, the guy feels as if he can always smash. He knows her. He knows what she wants to hear and what makes her happy. The next you know your having this conversation- “I’ve decided to try and make it work with Jimmy’s dad”. Best way to avoid the situation is to avoid single moms.

5)Rent-A-Daddy - Realizing her mistake, realizing that kids (especially boys need fathers), the woman gets desperate. Any and every guy has the potential to be a daddy. You’re out trying to get some, not inherit a family.

6)The Kids Are Still Up - This is only a problem if you're trying to pursue something other than a booty call. Wanting to spend time with you, but not wanting to bring strange men around her kids, you find yourself only seeing this female after 10 or 11PM. You want to move forward, but she has to make sure you're the “one". This could take months. I suggest dealing with women that are readily available to hang out.

7) Double Heart Break - You are with the woman, then everything falls apart. Not only do you have to deal with losing the woman, but you’ve formed a bond with lil’ Jimmy. You and Jimmy play HALO together, watch the Wizards’ hoop it up, go to the zoo, and things dads do with sons or daughters. On top of maybe missing the woman, you miss the kid.

8) You're Not My Dad. - You hook up with the woman, eventually the issue of discipline is going to come up. Some kid being resentful or just a being bratty prick is going to eventuallly pull the “YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!! YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!!!” card. Personally if I did date single mothers and some dumba$$ kid pulled that stunt on me, I would say, “You're right. I’m not your father. Since I have no authority over you and you refuse to listen to me, you need to pack your sh*t and go live with your dad.” This would be a deal breaker for me. In addition some mothers or the dad would have problem with you disciplining their kid. I’m sorry, if some kid broke my laptop, I’m whooping his a$$.

9)You Know What She's Going To Do - She already has one kid, if you knock her up, it’s safe to assume she’s going to have another one.

10) Bad Judge of Character - This female got knocked up by somebody that she was “supposedly in love with.” Not only is she a bad judge of character, she’s GROSSLY irresponsible. The same guy that’s an a$$hole now, is the same guy she thought the world of and had unprotected sex with.

11) Unnecessary Expenditures - Eventually you’ll get to meet the kid(s.) Soon those dates turn into family outings. Instead of paying for two people, your paying for three or more. The same goes if you move in with her.

12) You’ll Never Be 1 - When you're trying to build a relationship with somebody, you should be the focus of the woman’s life. It should be about you and her. If she has a kid, you’ll NEVER BE 1!!! That’s not a bad thing either, but it’s something I don’t want to deal with. Neither should you.

13)Tag, You're It! - This should be the BIGGEST deterrent to EVER dealing with a single mother. In some jurisdictions, I think California is one of them, if you start dealing with a female with kids, move in with her and things go south. THE FEMALE CAN SUE YOU FOR CHILD SUPPORT!!!! She can claim that she and the child have “become accustomed to you supporting the child.” YOU COULD END UP POSSIBLY PAYING CHILD SUPPORT FOR A KID THAT ISN’T EVEN YOURS! Imagine being extorted money because you were doing what you thought was the “right thing.” The state doesn’t give a rat’s a$$ about the relationship being over or you being a “good guy.” They just don’t want the chick on welfare. So as far as your concerned, it’s “TAG, YOUR IT!”



PS Ladies, it doesn’t have to be like the hopefully horribly exaggerated pic I posted. LOL. Really, I found this something-like-a-miracle product this summer, Nivea Goodbye Cellulite Gel. Heaven! It’s marketed to smooth cellulite which it absolutely does, but it also drastically minimizes the appearance of stretch marks on the tummy and blemishes on the face, (in like days, I swear! I was in a bikini this summer. Not a tankini, a bikinin. Goes for about 10 bucks at Walmart. Throwin it out there.

(This shit right here, nigga? This shit right here?)

-- Mel


Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The Instant Fam: Add you and stir

A good guy friend of mine, who happens to be a divorced dad with two kids, took issue with the advice I gave the lady who wrote in the other day. I told her to stop pining away over some dude who’s got baggage (read: a soon-to-be ex-wife and a couple of kids).

He said (outside this particular guy still being technically married) that a man with kids could move onto a new relationship and be a wonderful, supportive and loving partner. That he could manage his new love life, as well as his fatherhood and his relationship with his ex properly, if he’s a good and self-respecting man. He said that when women skip over men simply because that man has a child, they could be missing out on what could be a wonderful and life-long love.

Well that’s beautiful, and I agree, a woman with no attachments can find a wonderful life partner in a man who already happens to be a father, but if she can find love in a man who doesn’t already have the instant family, why wouldn’t she? I mean there’s a reason that meeting, dating, falling in love, marrying and then deciding to start a family is considered the ideal. It’s because it’s ideal. I just feel like as a young woman with no attachments, she has a shot at that ideal. I think she should go for that, first.

My friend said kids don’t have to be viewed as "baggage." He’s dated women with kids and so have his friends and he doesn’t wanna be passed over either, by could-be romantic interests because of his own children. (Neither do I, but such is life).

I’m sure there are plenty of men who don’t mind dating women with children, but I promise you, no single man who doesn’t have kids is cruising Black Planet looking for profiles who specifically have the “I have kids” box checked. (Do people even go on Black Planet anymore? I haven’t checked my profile in like 7 years). Certainly those men are looking for other attributes, beauty, brains, ambition, is she funny, is she down to earth … and perhaps if she has all of those things plus a kid, well maybe he can accept that. But the kids in and of themselves? They’re a con, not a pro, in the dating pool. That’s all I’m sayin.

It’s a harsh and personal reality for me. I get that my becoming a single mom hasn’t increased my desirability. I know that, put up against a woman with the same characteristics I’d like to believe I have -- charisma, beauty, intelligence … all that -- I know the chick without the child, who has all that stuff too, probably registers a little higher on a guy’s list. I get that and I accept that. It’s one of the reasons I fought so hard not to be a single mom in the first place. Who wants that? (Though, believe me there are worse things). But still. Any dude who wants into my bedroom, my calendar or my life in any respect has gotta feel a different kind of pressure than he might feel dating a woman with no attachments. He has to know that at some point, I’m looking for him to settle down and be step dad. That’s right. Step dad. Because I am now part of a package deal. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about right out the gate, but I don’t have time to spend on some man frivolously any more. I’m somebody’s mama, y’know? (Except, of course for my new thing … LOL. He’s just for play. But he’s outta town so that doesn’t count right? Look, I’m grown).

Anyway, that’s my take. What say you?

-- Mel

By the way, I looove this song. (Though when it came out I couldn’t have been further from this reality. How the winds have changed).


Monday, August 25, 2008

Ask Melyssa: She want that old thing back

ear Melyssa,

I’m a 28-year-old, single educated woman with no kids who just recently got back in touch with my high school sweetheart. We hadn’t spoken in years before a few months ago, but once we reconnected it was effortless. Back in the day, I was the one who broke things off. When I saw him again recently, he told me how he’d always been in love with me and had never stopped thinking about me. We ended up sleeping together. Here’s the predictable part -- Of course he’s married with two kids.

Yeah, got married about a year after high school. But his wife recently put him out and filed for divorce. He was devastated. He wanted counseling, a family vacation and to get back in church to help repair the marriage. She wouldn’t have any of it. So now, he’s paying child support, seeing his kids a couple times a week and staying with his cousin. He is not contesting the divorce, but at the same time, he doesn’t really want it. He wants his family and is still kinda holding out hope that she’ll rescind the papers. Like he’ll say stuff like, “if I get divorced …” I’m thinking, "what you mean, ‘if?’ Nigga, you got served!"

I am being really, really patient, Mel. We talk on the phone all the time and I listen to how he misses sending his kids off to school, how he doesn't understand how why his wife is so willing to throw away their marriage, how he never thought he'd be divorced, how he's not sure if he should work to fight for the relationship ... UGH! When will he just accept it!?

And at the same time, he says I’m perfect for him and how he misses me and wants to see me again and some more stuff ... Girl, he’s confused and he’s confusing my ass too.

I know this is all new to him and a tad bittersweet (me entering his life while his wife leaves his life) but how long am I supposed to wait for him to get his act together and accept that his old life is over and move onto a new life with me? It’s only been a few months, but we know each other well and this could definitely work out long term. Plus, he's a good dude, believes in the sanctity of marriage and has never cheated before. He's really perfect. So am I being completely foolish in this or what?

-- Reluctantly patient

Dear Reluctantly Patient,

Ah this sounds so familiar! What is this, like a running theme? Damned Myspace. You didn'y say you hooked back up on myspace but it had to be that social networking site from satan. Anway, where do I even begin? First of all the man is going through a huge transition period. Really, not even, because he hasn’t completely let go of the marriage yet. He doesn’t want his wife to leave him. He was put out. He doesn’t want a divorce, he was served papers. He won’t be able to even begin transitioning into his new life as a divorced man until he’s divorced. And then, who’s to say he’ll want to jump right back into another monogamous, committed ready-made relationship right out the gate, and should he at some point be ready to settle down again, even after juts being so irrevocably burned, who’s to say it’ll be with you? I mean, the man was married at a young age and went on to father two kids … he might just get his second wind, wanna sow some oats or something for a year or two and plunge himself back in the dating pool. And again, once he’s had his fill, who’s to say he’ll retire with you?

I think there are way too many variables happening here for you to be staking anything substantial on this might-be-relationship – namely, your heart.

So yes, you are being completely foolish, and no, you should absolutely not be waiting for him. You might just miss your blessing pining away over this man who is not ready and may not be any time soon, if ever.

Let him go, let him go through what he has to go through, let him heal from it and let him come to you when he’s able and willing to give himself to you.

-- Mel

PS Do you really want a divorced dude with two kids anyway? It's too early to be scrapin. Also, he's still married, till he gets divorced. Just throwin that out there.


Friday, August 22, 2008

Sweet Semen: Once only a dream, now a reality lol

And speaking of sucking dick. Okay, I know we weren’t but is there ever a bad time to talk about fellatio? I think not.

So I was up late googling the other night for keywords I will not reveal.

Wait, sidebar: Freepaysite is the shit. Thx for that, Single Male.

Anyway, I was surfing the net and came across this product, not sure how new it is, but I’d only dreamed it up a few years ago. Somebody seriously jacked my idea and brought it to fruition. Kinda pissed about that. Anyway, there’s this pill guys can take to sweeten the taste of their semen. Go figure. It’s called Sweet Release. Only comes in apple, but how tasty is that!

Perhaps some of you avid indulgers have heard of this, but it was a bit of useful news to me. And they have a comparable product for women too! Only comes in lemon, tho. I dunno how I’d feel about tasting sour.

Apple flavored cum. Yumm-o (as one of my fav TV cooks, Rachel Ray would say).

And guys, the stuff is supposedly good for you. I pulled this from the site:

If you want to enhance your oral sex life and surprise your lover with a fantastic new experience, then Sweet Release masculine formula is for you! Sweet Release is a dietary supplement, when taken twice a day, will within 7 to 28 days change the scent and taste of your semen. Your semen will change from an unpleasant salty flavor to a delicious apple flavor. Sweet Release is a 100% natural herbal and totally vegetarian food supplement specifically developed for men. There is not a product like this anywhere!

Health Benefits for Men:
Our saying says it all: "Come for the sex! Stay for the Health!" We have combined health benefits into Sweet Release, giving it a unique combination nowhere else ever seen.

Somebody try this stuff and tell me how it tastes. Thank ya kindly.

-- Mel

30-day money back guarantee, too. Just sayin. : )


Thursday, August 21, 2008

Blame it on the Rain: Right back in, again

Y’know what? I’m gonna stop professing to be abstinent. Because really, what is an abstinent person who continues to have sex? Not abstinent, that’s what. So I’m giving up that title. It was a great experience, I had a long run, (a good 2 ½ years) I’m proud of myself and all that, but fuck it. Literally.

Don’t be disappointed just yet, there’s more …

So I just came back from my second vacay, sponsored by the guy I was so mad at not a month ago. Yeah, well, there will be a third. He’s footing the bill for that one, too. I didn't even confront him about the white girl. How could I, really? I mean, it's not like he violated any rules of our "relationship." We did discuss when we'd see each other again tho, and when we'd see each other after that, and how often I could come back ... I know, I know, I know, I said I was gonna let it go. I said I was mad and hurt and needed to get over it and would reclaim my celibacy and all that … I know. But I’m a hopeless romantic, what can I say.

And it was so romantic. We went out for drinks at this sexy little, dimly lit live jazz bar and had some cozy convo on the sofa before heading to this swanky sushi hotspot and sharing some yellow tail and more than a few shots. Then we retired back to my girl’s house where I was staying, for a night cap. We sat on the porch listening to music from his cell phone and chatting about everything. It began to sprinkle and we twinkled our toes hanging off the edge of the steps, in the water from the sky. I told him how much I loved the rain.

“It’s the best sleep,” I said. He agreed.

I told him I wanted to sleep in the flatbed of his pick-up truck. (I have no idea why he drives a pick up truck. He really doesn’t seem the type). It was a light rain and would let up momentarily. He said he hadn’t done that in forever.

“Does your girl have any blankets?”

“Nah, I don’t wanna make laundry for her like that,” I said.

“Well let’s go buy some blankets then,” he said. I thought I’d challenge him with my spontaneity but he came right back. Love that.

“You serious?” I asked.


We jumped up, and he started his truck while I ran upstairs and packed a little overnight bag.

We picked up flashlights, sleeping bags, sleeping bag liners, bottled water a sweat shirt for me (so sweet for him to think of that) and wet wipes at Walmart. As soon as we wheeled the cart into the parking lot it began to pour. Hard, like a tsunami. We raced to the truck and piled the stuff in before taking refuge in the front cabin.

We rode around for a while waiting for it to let up, listening to Jay-Z’s Reasonable Doubt and reminiscing about where we were in our lives when we first heard our favorite rapper. After about a half, we gave up on waiting out the weather and checked into a hotel. (Is this boring to everyone but me? Sorry, I wanna share). We lied on the bed and flipped channels for a while spooning, before he asked, “you hungry?”

I can always eat, so we ran across the street to IHOP in the pour down.

“Beat ya!” I took off smacking the puddles in my flip-flops.

It’s about 4 in the morning now.

And when we got back to the hotel an hour later, the sex was fire. Fire, you hear me? The foreplay alone went on for an hour … The sun came up over our fourth floor room with the drapes agape, and we came as well. : )

I flew out a few days later, but not before he booked me another flight a couple months out.

Damn. And I’m right back in. His number’s also back in my cell phone. Personalized ringer and all that. LOL. When will I learn?

Rain is so sexy.

-- Mel

It’s difficult for me to enter anything with no expectations. Even frivolous sex. But I’m trying to keep a cool head about this. It’s been fun, sexy, exhilarating, and if we keep this up every couple of months it could make for a nice little, mutually beneficial vacation-type relationship. Ever had a vacaytionship? Ahh refreshing. That’s another blog.


Monday, August 18, 2008

Things Fall Apart: We made plans, now he wants out

Dear Melyssa,

Me and my man have been together since high school. We are both recent college grads now. The whole time we’ve been together we’ve planned on getting married and having a family one day. I’ve always known he was the one for me and I though he felt the same way.

Lately, a lot has happened in his life. His grandfather who raised him died, got 15 years in jail for some dumb shit and he got a scholarship to grad school in another state, after I moved to Texas, where we now live, to be with him. Not only does he want to take the scholarship, which I can’t really be mad at, even though we both agreed we do out grad studies in Texas, now he’s sayin he doesn’t even want to be with me anymore. He needs some space and time to think. What the fuck does that mean, space and time to think?

-- Falling Apart

Dear Falling Apart,

In a couple of words, it means he wants to fuck other chicks.

Not taking away from the forever life-altering changes he’s been thru lately -- some good, some bad -- But those are the kinds of things that bring two people who love each other and want to be together, together. Two people bond over death, over the separation of loved ones ... It’s what makes a mourning person so vulnerable. It’s what makes the hazing process so successful.

I’m sure he’s every bit as devastated about some of these events as he tells you he is. But I don’t think I can ride with that being the primary reason for his wanting to cut official ties with you. Ya’ll have been together since you were babies. I think he may just wanna explore his options and open up his horizons. You might wanna do the same.

Mean time, in between time, don’t fret too bad. He’ll be back at least a few times before it’s over for good, if it’s destined to be over for good. These drawn out, been-together-since-French-class relationships never end so cleanly. There’s always the back and forth before the final break.

While you're going through all that tho, the best thing you can do is to be cool and not clingy. He wants to keep it movin, allow him to. Trust, he can't stand the thought of you lyin up under some other dude anymore than you want to face the inevitability of him giving it to another chick. If you maintain the proper temperature about this, you could possibly completely turn the tables, have him wondering why you're so able to deal with his sudden announcement that he wants to break it off after all these years. What you got on the back burner that allows you to take the news so well? What are you doin at midnite, 2 and 3 a.m. that you're not callin his phone to see what he's doin? But don't just fake it, do it. Get out and mingle.

This separation doesn’t have to be all bad. Cheer up, and congrats to both of you for doin the damn thing and headin to grad school straight outta undergrad. You inspire me. : )

-- Mel

Donell Jones said it best …

Enjoying the space here? Nominate me for a Black Weblog award. I'm going for "Blog to Watch" or "Best New Blog." Thank ya kindly.



Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Settling Down with a Skripper: Could you do it?

She spends her early evening grinding her scantily clad ass over the erect-beneath-sweat-pants wearing happy hour crowd. She whispers in the ears of the lonely, lovelorn and cash-carrying about all the nasty things she’d like to do to whatever gentlemen she’s escorted to the back room. She sexily contorts her body in stilettos for a living and brings her paychecks home in ones and fives. Yet, at night, she climbs in your bed and spoons with you.

He’s oiled up, muscles bulging, leaping off the stage into a crowd of horny, screaming middle aged women. Sock-laden penis swinging as the baby boomers wave dollars in the air and raise their phones to snap cell flicks of your man simulating oral sex on someone’s mother, sprawled out, legs spread on the floor. He flips her over, to an uproarious reaction from the sex-starved crowd, slams his sock against her ass a few times, licking his lips before his set is over. Then, he wipes down, gets dressed, and lets himself into your apartment with a key.

How the fuck does that work?

I mean, I’m a pretty open minded person, but I don’t understand how simulated sex to music, outside an otherwise monogamous relationship is ok. I don't care if you are gettin paid and bringin home the cash. Maybe I’m just being judgmental.

I recently met a man who pays his mortgage pretending to fulfill the fantasies of women. He’s an exotic dancer named Chocolate. (aren't they all). But this dude is every bit as delectable as his name sounds. I imagine, I mean. Haven’t been there yet, but we’ll see.

I’m a little put off by his work, quite frankly. Though everything else about him is starkly domesticated. He cooks, does laundry and even has full custody of his 12-year-old son. I know, right! He’s grounded, well read and professes to be monogamous-minded. I spent some time with him and must admit, I went home impressed.

But I cannot reconcile the reality he’s shown me, with my own wild imagination. In my mind I see him constantly being approached by horny college co-eds, out for a drunken night of debauchery; propositioned by old sugar mamas looking to put some cash in his pocket after hours … I see him actually becoming aroused by his own titillating performance and being tempted to head out to the parking lot and make it real. I've definitely been to a few of these lil hedonistic shindigs and definitely tried to entice one of the professionals into following me home and he was definitely wit it. I know how this goes down. :)

I dunno, I’d like to give dude a chance, but I don’t think I can even go. Maybe he’s not real relationship material, but perhaps I can keep him around anyway. If that nigga can move like that on the stage …. Lawd. : )

What do you guys think? Could you wife up or settle down with an exotic dancer?

Hit up the survey to the right please and thank ya.

-- Mel


Monday, August 11, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Stuck between my ex-man and the next man

Dear Melyssa,

My man and I have lived together for two years, but about six months ago, we broke up. Our lease isn’t up yet though, and neither one of us wants to break it. Plus, we can’t afford to move out and live alone right now, so instead we’re just sleeping in separate bedrooms waiting another six months for the lease to run out and saving up money to go our own ways.

We’ve been pretty good about being civil, I still cook every night, we still talk in the evenings and we have had sex since the break up, though not in the past couple of months. He dates other women, and doesn’t come home sometimes, but he hasn’t brought anyone around the apartment. Well, I want to …

I have no problem with what he does with anybody else, but recently I met someone. I’m really feeling this dude and he’s really feeling me. But he’s having a hard time dealing with the fact that I live with my ex-man. He’s never been to my place and thinks that I’m keeping him away because I’m still with my man. I’m not. But the new guy says he won’t believe me until he can come over like a regular relationship. Hang out, eat dinner, stay the night … like a real boyfriend.

My thing is this, my ex-man has been really respectful and discreet about what he does and I feel like I kinda owe him the same respect. But does it even really matter since we’re not even together anymore? I’m gonna fuck around and lose my new guy if I don’t make a decision. What should I do?

-- Between a Rock and a Hard Place

PS. I'm not ready to move in with the new guy and FYI, he hasn't offered anyway.

Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place,

I’m afraid you’re not gonna wanna hear this, but unfortunately, you’re really not in a position to move on right now. Though you may have emotionally moved past your relationship with your live-in – tho being that the two of you just got it in two months ago, I’m not even sure about that – You’re not in a position where you can reasonably physically move on and that’s a big part of a relationship … physical presence. Your new guy’s absolutely right. He deserves to be with someone who can be with him … who can cook for him, invite him over for late-night movies and with whom it’s okay to sleep over. You don’t have that kind of situation right now.

The fact that you and your ex-man aren’t technically together right now is really a non-issue. Bringin another dude all up and through the home that you share with him is so not a good idea. It will absolutely create a hostile environment for you for the next six months, until you can comfortably get your own space. And though you may be able to logically win the argument when your man confronts you about your sleepovers, it really doesn’t matter who’s right, if it makes you both miserable. There’s a reason your roommate hasn’t brought his new chicks around you. He doesn’t wanna set that precedence, probably because he knows he couldn’t take it if the shoe were on the other foot. Honestly, what man could?

You’ve got something good here. Half the rent’s paid, your relationship is amicable and you’re both saving up money in a peaceful environment in an effort to part ways, happily. Please don’t rock the boat. If your new man doesn’t understand that, well, I certainly understand him. But sit him down and explain it to him. Who knows, maybe he’ll come around. I mean, it’s only six more months. If he really sees a future with you, he may just stick it out.

Good luck!

-- Mel

Got a query? Want a second opinion? Holla.

If you're enjoying the space here, please nominate me for a Black Weblog Award. Just click the pic below and follow the prompts. I'm going for the category of "Blog to Watch" or "Best New Blog." Preciate ya. :)


Friday, August 8, 2008

Sex Ed: The Venus Butterfly

Hey all,

I was feeling a little adventurous and decided to start a new series. Something like sex ed. I think I'll call it "Sex is in Session." Cute, right? It’ll be fun. So every week or two, depending upon how quickly these things come to me, I’ll post a new how-to. If I’ve done it, I’ll leave a review, either way, if you try something new, share with the group. Who’s up for it!? Aw, cmon.

So this first one’s a throwback I found on the net. It’s a finger technique performed by the man on a woman (unless of course you’re a woman who likes smaller, softer hands …no thanks). Anyway, it’s become a bit of a classic, made popular when it was mentioned on an episode of the ‘80s TV series, LA Law. Member that? Loved that show. Anyway, the following instructions are directed at the man. You’ll need a bottle of baby oil, a willing woman and it goes a little sumthin like this:

The woman should be lying naked on her back, knees bent and legs slightly apart. Apply a little baby oil to your hands.

Put your hands together, as if you were saying a prayer. Bend each of your ring fingers down. The tip of your left ring finger should be touching the knuckle of your right ring finger; the tip of your right ring finger should be touching the knuckle of your left ring finger. All of your other fingers should remain extended.

Now comes the "ladies choice" part of this technique. In the classic Venus Butterfly, your extended pinkies would be inserted into your woman's anus. Many women prefer that, instead, you simply fold your pinkies over like your ring fingers. It's totally a matter of personal preference.

Next, insert your middle fingers into her vagina. Your index fingers should be placed on both sides of your woman's clitoris.

Keeping your fingers together, open your palms so that your thumbs are about three inches apart. Begin to rub your fingers back and forth, as if you were trying to warm them. When you do this, your hands will resemble a butterfly flapping its wings.

That’s it. Lemme know how it works out. Tell me, tell me, tell me!

-- Mel

And the day after my award, I go and do this. All in good taste fun, guys. :)

And speaking of awards, if you're enjoying the space here, please nominate me for a Black Weblog Award. Just click the pic below and follow the prompts. I'm going for the category of "Blog to Watch" or "Best New Blog." Preciate ya. :)


Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Yeah! My first web award!

Thank you, thank you to Mista Jaycee of A Choice of Weapons. He nominated me for a Brillante Weblog Premio Award and I am honored. This is my first independent foray into the blogosphere and I'm bumbling along, but love the love. Preciate it. So I'm passing it on to a few blogs who I feel also deserve recognition.

Drum roll please ...

And in no particular order, here are some great reads that I read on the regular:

1. Very Smart Brothas
2. Anonymiss
3. Sex on the Beach mag
4. Blogxilla
5. Ursula's Not So Secret History
6. Brown Girl Gumbo
7. Eb the Celeb

Rules:1. Put the logo on your blog.

2. Add a link to the person who awarded it to you.

3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs.

4. Add links to these blogs on your blog.

5. Leave a message for your nominee on their blog.


The Illusion of Fidelity: Is it just as good as the real thing?

Every woman wants a faithful man. A man who takes care of home, remembers favorite colors, important dates and little hints like, "I love that dress," made on a whim. We want him to be there when he says he's gonna be and call if something comes up; to make the bedroom rock at least a few nights out of each work week and only, only, ever, ever, ever give it to us. We can agree on that right?

But how bad is say, 8 out of 10, really? I mean, what if he's everything you want him to be and does everything you imagined your knight would do, with the exception of exclusivity? Is the illusion of fidelity enough?

I'd gotten to the point some time ago -- I mean scraping the bottom of the man barrel, y'all -- when I thought that perhaps it was. Long as the rent gets paid on time, he doesn't slack off at home and he always crawls in bed next to me before the sun comes up, I thought I might be cool with that. I mean, his phone isn't ringin all crazy after hours, random bitches aren't knockin on the door proclaiming they're fucking my man and unreasonable amounts of money aren't unaccounted for ... Maybe that could work. Admittedly, I'm not completely past this thinking.

Call me jaded, but I feel like the alternative, "you must never place your penis anywhere else for the next 80 years until you die," is scary to most men at best (hell, its scary to me) and unreasonable, borderline impossible, at worst.

You tell me, does it really matter if he occasionally gets it in? (Protected, of course, and I'm not talkin about a full blown emotional love affair).

What do y'all think? Is the illusion of fidelity as good as the real thing? Perhaps it's just good enough. It should be noted tho, that a guy who is sleepin around has to put in some real hard work to keep our women's intuition quiet and our investigative skills at bay. I dunno maybe that's worth somethin. Just sayin.

Hit up the survey to the right, please and thank ya.

-- Mel


It's been a whole 30 years: My Saturn return

Learned something new recently. The Saturn return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs in a person's life at approximately 27–30 years of age and again around the age of 58–60, with the third and usually final occurrence around 86-88. The planet Saturn takes approximately 29.5 years to orbit the Sun; when it returns to the exact degree along the ecliptic it occupied at the time of a person's birth this is referred to as their "Saturn Return".

This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage and is considered by many astrologers to mark the "true beginning" of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, responsibility, ambition, and full maturation.

So today, I'm 30. Happy birthday to me. Oh, the pressure.

Thanks for the education, Jared.

-Melyssa Ganache


Monday, August 4, 2008

It’s the Vids or Me: Is porn cheating?

Dear Melyssa,

I can’t take it anymore. Several nights out of the week around 3 a.m. I am awakened to oohs, ahhs and ass-slapping coming through the walls from the computer room. My man has this thing with porn, he watches it entirely too much as far as I’m concerned and our sex life is suffering.

I kinda feel stupid for being jealous of chicks on a screen, but I am. He spends hours on porn and gets back into bed tired and uninterested. WTF? We’ve been together for two years, living together for half that time and I’m about ready to call it quits. It’s not like we haven’t tried things. We’ve made our own videos, but he prefers to watch the pros. I’ve dressed up for him,a ll types a shit … even tried a little back door action which I had NO interest in. I did it for him. I indulge his needs and his fantasies. But I have to draw the line at this.

It’s not even like it’s an “us” thing. He likes to watch them alone. He says I’m overreacting and that every man loves porn. But I got one foot out the door. I love this man, Mel, but do you think I have a big enough reason to leave?

-- Tired of Competing

Dear Tired,

Every man does like porn. I like porn too, actually. (My fav sites are dreammovies(dot)com and magicmovies(dot)com. Great daily evolving selection of flicks and all free. Plus, you can stream full length vids, not that clip bullshit.) Tangent, sorry. But it’s an occasional variation for me. (How dyou think I was able to remain celibate for over 2 years?) Not a necessary five-times-a-week requirement. If I had a regular boyfriend, I’d probably indulge even less.

Perhaps your guy does have a problem, I dunno. but regardless as to whether it’s an unhealthy obsession or a harmless hobby, it bothers you and he doesn’t seem to be concerned with your feelings. I think that’s a bigger deal than analyzing his activity. If you can’t deal with it and it’s a big enough deal that you’re seriously considering leaving, and he refuses to do anything about it, I don’t think he loves you enough.

Sounds like a huge leap, jumping to such a definitive conclusion of his affection for you based on one lil habit. But that’s what love does, right? If you don’t like it, it makes you uncomfortable and I don’t need it anyway, then I won’t do it. Or at the very least I won’t do it in your presence. You can’t even get that respect. He’s got the speakers and shit all up in the next room.

Perhaps an argument over videos isn’t a big enough reason to leave a relationship, but your partner’s refusal to validate and address your feelings while making tangible and conscious strides to fix what you might feel like is a deal-breaker in your relationship, is. Personal opinion.

Two years really isn’t that long, anyway. Chunk the deuce.

-- Mel

Got a query? Want a second opinion? Holla.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Head Count: How many’s too many?

I hate this question but in most burgeoning relationships, it’s something like an inevitability. It always comes at the median in your time together, when things are on the verge of either becoming serious or falling off.

In my experience, it’s always after a particularly heated session. Sheets crumpled and bodies exhausted, he rolls over, meets your eyes and hits you with it.

“So, how many guys have you been with?”

Argh are you serious? Who really wants to know that? Really? I’m not convinced any man wants a truthful answer, (learned that the hard way. Once) So I’ve taken to making things up.

I mean, there’s so much pressure packed into that little question and no mater how nonchalantly the subject is broached, it’s absolutely a fork in the road. It matters. This is where you’re either approved as next level material, or condemned to a forever lesser status in his eyes.

So for a woman in her mid-20s, what’s a reasonable head count? How many’s too many?

Good question. I have no idea, but I’m open to suggestions. Seven’s been my lucky number for several years now. It’s been my experience that men don’t believe 5, and whince at 10 and 11. So I’ve settled on 7. Of course, I was using that number as my head count in college, and here I am knocking on 30, so perhaps I should up the tally.

Guys, what say you? First of all, you should never, ever, ever ask a woman that question in the first place. But should you be brave enough, what’s an acceptable response? Really.

Just wanna make sure I get it right. LOL Thx!

-- Mel


Monday, July 28, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Am I a hoe?

Dear Melyssa,

I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my son’s father since I was 14. For a while he was my first and only. When we broke up I was devastated. I didn’t think I would ever meet another man that knew me so well and could make me feel so good. Boy was I wrong.

Lol, I don’t even want to give you my head count. I’m obsessed with the things that men other than him can do to my body ...

I went so long not knowing what it was like to have multiple orgasms or touch myself. Lol, I’m a straight freak now. Its like my ex had never taught me anything sexually, and now I am learning new things everyday.

My question is, am I a hoe for being “sexually adventurous” with different men? I practice safe sex ALWAYS. And I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t give it up on the first night because I DO. I make it a point to do so. I do that so that I know if I ever plan to see the guy again. It doesn’t bother me that these men may be using me just for sex, because that is ALL I want from them. I have no desire to be in another relationship anytime soon. Please give me your opinion on this.

-- Obsessed with the “D”

Dear Obsessed with the “D,”

Yeah, sounds like it. LOL. Nah I'm just kidding. No, it really does sound like it, but so what. :)

I, for one, loathe derogatory name-calling of the sexual variety. I don't do it. I also identify with where you're at right now with your sexual progression. I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy I remained with for 3 years thereafter. I thought he was blowin it out the frame till I had my second encounter. Third one was even better than that.

But it doesn't end with discovery. Well for me it didn't. I went through phases. First, something of a sexual recluse, ashamed to admit to my girlfriends that I'd given my boyfriend head for the first time, faithful beyond reproach and insistent that because I'd only had sex with one guy we were married in Gods eyes. LOL madness, I know. Then there was the coming into my womanhood phase where I set out to completely own my sexuality. I wasn't lookin for a relationship, but a good time, a great fuck and a new diary entry. Fantastic period by the way. I learned a lot and my girls and I still laugh about somea the drunken debauchery we blessed more than a few non-deserving ass dudes with. Didn't matter to me then, tho. I think that's where you're at.

But I moved past that to a place where no strings attached sex actually lost its shiny new luster and actually became more of a bore. I wanted more. I'm sure you will again, too.

Thing is, this period of your life isn't isolated. It will matter when you do get ready to settle down again. Sullied reputations are hard to clean, and once an ugly name is attached to your character it's difficult to break outta that. No man wants to sport a girl on his arm that three or four other dudes in the room have run through.

I feel your desire to try out the local fair, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process. Perhaps having a relationship right now isn't a priority for you. That's cool, you're really too young to be all tied down and monagamous anyway, but the earning of respect is a different matter. Though I'll never call you a hoe or a slut or any other woman, for that mattter, most of the guys your sleepin with on the first night do. Especially the young ones. It's not fair, it sucks, but that's what it is. And it doesn't matter if you want it just as bad as they do, when a woman lies down with a man, she puts herself, and especially her reputation, in a much more vulnerable state than he does. Nobody cares if a dude runs thru 100 chicks on the same campus, but let a girl get with two frat brothers from the same line, even if its two different semesters! LOL (This, I know from experience). Trust, you don't wanna wear that scarlet letter.

My advice is not to so much concern yourself with somebody else's idea of what a slut or a hoe is - tho to answer your question, your activity probably fits the masses' broad definitions of those ugly words - rather, be safe, be discreet, and above all else be absolutely sure you're getting your due out of the arrangement. I know you say you are, but we're women and we change our minds. Just know that when you do decide you want more ... Well its gonna be hard revisitng old flames who were never required to think of you as deserving more in the first place; and equally difficult to forge new relationships with men to whom your reputation precedes you.

But you're 20. Fuck dyou care? LOL have fun, be safe.

-- Mel

Love me some Lil Wayne ...

Prostitute Flange - Lil Wayne


Wednesday, July 23, 2008

VIP Dick: Guys who skip the velvet rope

So I told ya’ll about the married guy that I’ve been having a text/phone affair with that I’ve been going back and forth about hooking up with. The “back” is because my moral compass continues to nudge me to the right as I steadily insist on drifting to the left; the “forth” is because dude has the stamina of a work horse and knows me oh so well.

He’s an old flame. He’s a family man now, but when we reconnected on Myspace several months back, it was like 5 to 7 years ago all over again. Like no time had past. I fell right back in. (Thx Cutie and others for the words of warning. I KNOW I need to heed them. Lord, give me strength).

Anyway, I guess one of the reasons I’m having such a hard time definitively telling this guy no, is because I never really have before. Ever. Hooked from day one, ya heard. : )

Not only have I never told him no, I have expressly, in the throws of passion, sworn to him that I would always tell him yes. You know, “This is your pussy … I never want you to stop fucking me … ” and all manner of other things. I kinda meant that shit, too.

He’s one of my VIPs.

You know, the dudes who get in through the VIP entrance; who do not have to wait in line; who do not have to meet the same standards you might apply to other partners; who don’t have to call two days ahead of time; for whom you’ll drop just about anything that can be dropped when he’s in town; and you lay that shit out for him when he gets there … that guy. They just get to slip right through the velvet rope, no ID check, no pat down, no hassle by security, none a that shit. Aaaallll love.

I know we women know what it is, but I think the idea of VIP dick is a little known phenomenon among the male population. Even the guys that are walkin around holdin their celebrity members don’t always know what they’ve got. A male friend of mine was completely confused when I told him about it.

“So what is it like a secret society or something?” he asked.

“No, not exactly. I mean, my VIP might not even make another chick’s list. It’s just the guy who does it for me, for whatever reason. Digital, for instance.”

He knows the whole sordid story behind that fiasco, so he immediately understood the example.

“Ok so it’s just a dude who got you hooked from the gate and you just can’t let it go,” he paraphrased.

“Yeah, something like that.”

I’ve actually got a couple on my list. Two. And of course everybody else falls into a pyramid-like hierarchy; you don’t like everybody the same. Some you like better than others, some you like better for some things than others, or at some times … But those select VIP dudes … man! Whenever, however, whatever. It’s like that.

Ladies, who knows what I’m talking about? Guys do you have a comparable category for women? I wonder.

-- Mel

Jay said it so well ...


Monday, July 21, 2008

Wanting a married man. Should I?

Dear Melyssa,

I had this fantastic relationship in college. The sex was crazy, dude’s stamina was unsurpassed and for a time, I thought I might have been in love. Then I graduated, left the state and moved on with my life. Recently though – which is years later-- dude found me on Myspace and we’ve been talking. Emails turned into texts. Texts turned into late night convos, which eventually became regular and explosive phone sex a couple times a week. We live a few states a part and are even making plans to meet up for a lil four-day vacay. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. I haven’t been done the way this guy used to do it since the last time we did it and I am DUE. LOL. Thing is, Mel, he’s married.

I’m not tryin to break up a happy home. He’s given me no illusion that he’s about to leave his wife or anything like that. And I’m not even in a place where I’m lookin for a super committed relationship. But a few sweaty, limb-locking days with this guy would really hit the spot right about now. It’s just sex, right? I know I’m rationalizing, but would you do it?

Damn, Mel, I wanna do it.

-- Wanting a Married Man So Bad

Dear Wanting a Married Man So Bad,

Man, you and me both. So crazy that I have a strikingly similar story to tell. Same thing, I had this torrid affair with a guy in college. Hadn’t seen or heard from him in about five years and hadn’t been with him in even longer. A few months ago he hit me on Myspace. (Myspace is a motherfucker, aint it? Ruinin marriages and getting niggas caught up and shit. Stay off Myspace!) Anyway, the chemistry was soooo the year 2000! I mean damn! It was like no time had passed. We’re talking and shit, reminiscin … “Remember when you used to do that? Remember when I used to do this?” All that shit. Well, dude’s married with two kids. There’s life for ya.

But this guy had me so fucked up, Wanting, that for a minute, I aint even care. Ugly and shameful, I know. So we made plans and he was supposed to come see me. (Yes, I was still celibate at this time, but he’s always been something like a “velvet rope” guy for me. You know the dudes who get the VIP entrance and don’t have to wait like errybody else? That’s another blog). Anyway, he was one of those.

So we began making plans. He was gonna take a trip to my place. I was gonna bake him strawberry cake and we were gonna have a satisfying sexcapade in every room of my apartment. Girl! And then, he pulled out. (No pun intended). Said he couldn’t do it. Said his marriage wasn’t so bad that he could justify stepping out on his wife. Damn. I felt like shit about it but had to respect it. It’s one of the reasons I like him so well anyway. He’s a stand-up guy.

Then a few weeks later, we’re at it again. He doesn’t knw what he was thinking when he cancelled his visit and would give anything to see me. So again, we made plans. Then, I pulled out. This is borderline madness at this point, I know. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I mean, as much as I’d like to so, so, so, so, so bad, this dude is somebody’s husband and two other people’s father. That’s kinda deep. I wasn’t tryin to get my blessings cut short.

But damnit if that nigga didn’t reel me right back in. He’s a freak and freaks are had to find, what can I say. So now it’s lookin like October … I’ll let ya’ll know. Don’t tell nobody. : )

Anyway, Wanting, I say all that not to steal your shine – this is about you – but to say, you know the shit is wrong. It’s really about what you can live with. That’s all.

Lemme know how he works it out it works out for ya. : )

-- Mel


Thursday, July 17, 2008

To Spit or to Swallow? That is the question

I’ve been thinking a lot about sucking dick lately, call me crazy. I suppose it’s all part of this natural regression I’m going through, fresh off a hot, steamy, weekend tryst and trying my hardest to safely settle back into celibacy (which includes oral sex for the ass hole dude who didn’t seem to know that. Jackass). I will resist the penis. I will resist the penis, I will resist the penis. : )

Anyway, it became the topic of discussion with the girls the other day and we got to swapping stories. (My friends are some freaks, ya’ll. I mean).

Anyway, so we did a lil round table. “Spit, or swallow?”

Four out of 6, y’all, 4 outta 6 a these chicks are drinking their breakfast. I was kindalike whoa. Is that what’s hot in the street? I mean, I’ve always thought myself to be a sexual progressive. But I’m a little late on this one. So I did a lil research for y’all and thought I’d share.

Turns out, swallowing does a body good. I’m sure some of my freakier readers knew that. According to sexpert Jane Greer, Ph.D.:

Semen contains at least 13 prostaglandins and high concentrations of hormones that retain potency if taken orally. The quality of the seminal hormones is thought to be superior to even prescription versions. In a study, women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely. It is thought that the oral consumption of the potent hormones had a balancing effect on woman's hormonal ups and downs caused by their periods and pregnancy or breastfeeding.

The key though, ladies, is “regular consumption.” Anniversaries and birthdays, or even once a week, isn’t good enough to reap the benefits. According to the study, the women who got results sucked and swallowed four to five times a week. Yes, damn near every day. Dayum. Lol.

I’m not endorsing it (officially, online, that is). I’m just putting the info out there.

So what’re you guys willing to do for your man in the boudoir? Please hit up the survey to the right and let me know. (And don’t lie. Be grown about yours. Damn) Thank y’all.

I dunno when it’s gonna be, but the next one’s gonna be a lucky ass motherfuker. AND I'm gonna blog about that shit. LOL.

-- Mel

P.S. Why is giving a blowjob the healthiest thing you can do in the morning?

Because it comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot. Stay healthy; suck a dick. <--- I’m so sorry. Somebody Fwdd me that bullshit on my cell. LOL.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Once Bi: Can my man really give up men?

Dear Melyssa,

I met this guy about 6 months ago and we’ve been together ever since. He’s perfect, Mel. Fine as hell, good ass job, no kids, never been married, educated, funny, loving, sex off the chain … Dayum! I mean, PERFECT. Until he told me he’s been with a dude before. WTF?

He sat me down and told me he sees no difference between having a relationship with a woman or a man. When he’s looking for a partner, he’s looking for certain characteristics, not necessarily a gender. He told me he’s only had one relationship with a man though and has been with all women before and since. But he says he doesn’t regret it and doesn’t see a problem with it and he could be in a relationship with a man again.

Same time, he says he loves me, wants to be with me, feels completely fulfilled with me and he will not step outside our relationship. The thing about him being with another man in the future is only if at some point we don’t work out.

Mel I’m bout to be 30, grown as hell and not about games. I wanna get married, I wanna have kids and I wanna live a good life and not have to want for anything. This man wants all of those things too and can give them to me. We agree on everything else, but I can’t get this gay shit outta my head. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. How the fuck am I supposed to get over this? Can I really believe that when we go out he’s not gonna be checkin for dudes? I just don’t know what to do! I want it sooo bad. But damn. A dude?

-- Not So Fine Bi Me

Dear Not So Fine Bi Me,

Love the name. (You so crazy). Damn. Bi? Shit. That’s fuuuuuucked up. LOL. Really though, I gotta give your man props for even comin clean at all about this. I respect his point of view but personally find the shit nasty and unattractive. You sound like you’re settling to me. Why? Don’t you deserve better? I don’t even think the issue is whether or not he’ll actually be monogamous, or whether he’ll be heterosexually monogamous but cheat on you with dudes, or whether you’ll catch him stealing glances at guys on the street, or staying on the boxing channel a couple seconds too long while he’s flippin thru … or any of that. The issue is that whether it’s warranted or not, you will never stop worrying about that shit. Sounds like a set up for misery to me. Don’t do it. And stop making it so hard for you to make the decision you know you need ot make by saying he’s perfect in every other way. That nigga’s not perfect, he likes dick! So fuckin what he makes good money and makes you laugh! So what he’s never been married and doesn’t have kids. Wonder why? LOL.

For real tho, you deserve better so you have to require better.

About the homo shit tho, at some point, it’s gonna come out. He says he can only be with you, but if he likes dick, he likes dick. At some point it will become a struggle for him. Even if he’s strong enough to resist, do you want to lie next to a man havin that kind of inner turmoil? Fantasizin about the delivery dude at work and shit while he’s on top of you? Even if he’s not hittin dude off. Don’t even do it to yourself and please don’t delay in ending this relationship. It will only become more difficult to do what you need to do, which s to leave it alone.

-- Mel

Got a query? Holla.


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Suckey, suckey: Is any sex act more sacred than another?

I was out with a guy the other night. Really. Actually it’s our second time getting together. We went out for Thai. The convo was flowing well, the smiles were beamin and all that and he was talking about retiring to his place to watch this movie he just got on DVD. Right.

It was as good a time as any to let him know what he was in for – not much. So I hit him with my new celibacy rap. (Remember, I told you guys it’s locked down for 08, but then I had that unfortunate mishap a few weeks ago -- which I am completely over, by the way -- but stay with me; this was before that moment of weakness).

So anyway, it went like this:

“So you should know,” I began coolly. “I’m not having sex right now.”

He so didn’t know how to react. Just kinda nodded his head and took it in.

“So, you’re not having sex like … like until when?”

And with a straight face. I can’t make these things up. (Tho, I suppose it was a legitimate question. Guess he wanted to go ahead and mark his calendar; come back on a better day).

“Well, I don’t know. I just have no immediate plans to enter a physical relationship. I need to be really sure and equally serious about the next man in my life.”


“I mean, I like you, that’s why I’m telling you this from the gate. I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings,” I explained.

“Uh huh,” he said. “So, what, you’re waiting to get married? You found Jesus?” We laughed uncomfortably.

“I have Jesus,” I chuckled, “But no unfortunately it’s not just the strength of my faith that brought this on. I mean, I don’t necessarily plan on waiting until I’m married, but I certainly want to be able to see that kind of future with the person.”

No pressure or anything. LOL. He fumbled in his noodles with his chopsticks, bummed out and I nursed my dessert wine a little more, waiting on him to make some inevitable excuse to end the date prematurely. No point in going on if it’s not goin down, right?

Then he suddenly lifted his head as if he’d had a revelation.

“So when you say physical, do you mean just sex, or … I mean, do you mean everything?

“Um, whadyou mean, ‘everything?’” I asked looking real confused in the face.

Is this nigga serious? Is he askin me to suck his dick over this dinner table?

“I mean, you know--” he stuttered.

I wanna wrinkle my face. I wanna cut him off and finish his sentence in a way that will let him know I am in no way game for oral sex in lieu of regular sex. I wanna abruptly top his sentence off with something like, “you mean kissing? Holding hands? Sure.” But I’m quiet and my face remains still.

His sentence is like a train wreck. I can’t look away. I really want this dude to get his complete thought out of his mouth just so I can actually believe what he’s about to say, though it will also mean I won’t be able to take his calls anymore. What’s going down right now is a direct violation of the Qualifying Process (which I’ll also be blogging on later) and his name and number will absolutely have to be deleted from my cell phone directory. Hate that. But I will not stop him.

“You know,” he leaned in over the table as if to whisper but over enunciates the word, “oral?”

I burst into laughter and choked on my wine. My sip had become a guzzle at the beginning of his last sentence.

"I mean, okay you don't do everything, but you don't mind helping your partner out, do you?" He asked, trying to clean things up but muddying them irrevocably.

“Do I what?” I asked as if I hadn’t understood him. He’d been crystal.

“I mean, if you don’t want to have sex, I understand that, but at some point, I mean, we can’t even enjoy each other?”

Okay, now he’s backtracking. He shoulda started off with “enjoying each other” but went straight for the dome instead.

“Uh. No,” I said flatly. Needless to say the conversation pretty much fell off from there and the check came shortly thereafter. LOL.

And just to keep it 100, I’m not above putting out the Magnificent <-- That's a word a girlfriend of mine made up for fire head, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be quizzed about exactly what acts I’m willing to perform and what acts I’m not as a prerequisite for you deciding if I’m worth another date. Kill yourself.

And what makes him think if I’m not fuckin that I might just be suckin, anyway? I mean, I’ve heard of chicks just going down when they won’t have sex, because it’s not as “serious” as sex, and viewed more as foreplay. I think this is more a white girl thing, tho. (Shouts to my snow bunnies. Thx for reading. Holla). And by the way I do believe oral sex is sex.

Sidebar: Tho I do still tell people I lost my virginity at 18 because that’s when I had intercourse for the first time, though at 16, my high school boyfriend was going down on the regular after 2:30 p.m.. (Rare breed. Never asked for anything in return. He was just happy to be there). But then I also don’t count the guy at college camp when I was 17 which did culminate with actual “sex,” I guess. I’ve kinda blocked it out. He’s a freebie. (We all have them; the ones who don’t count toward the grand tally. LOL That’s another blog). And anyway, that’s not the point.

I say all that to ask this …

Do you hold one sex act more sacredly than another? Is oral a free-for-all, while vaginal is coveted and anal is the holiest of holies? Or is the bedroom like a great big buffet for yall, tossed salad layed out right next to the main entrees and shyt? LOL. Just askin. Hit up the survey, please. Preciate ya.

-- Mel

Had he kept his foot outta his mouth he mighta gotten some hand action. : )