Monday, July 28, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Am I a hoe?

Dear Melyssa,

I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my son’s father since I was 14. For a while he was my first and only. When we broke up I was devastated. I didn’t think I would ever meet another man that knew me so well and could make me feel so good. Boy was I wrong.

Lol, I don’t even want to give you my head count. I’m obsessed with the things that men other than him can do to my body ...

I went so long not knowing what it was like to have multiple orgasms or touch myself. Lol, I’m a straight freak now. Its like my ex had never taught me anything sexually, and now I am learning new things everyday.

My question is, am I a hoe for being “sexually adventurous” with different men? I practice safe sex ALWAYS. And I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t give it up on the first night because I DO. I make it a point to do so. I do that so that I know if I ever plan to see the guy again. It doesn’t bother me that these men may be using me just for sex, because that is ALL I want from them. I have no desire to be in another relationship anytime soon. Please give me your opinion on this.

-- Obsessed with the “D”

Dear Obsessed with the “D,”

Yeah, sounds like it. LOL. Nah I'm just kidding. No, it really does sound like it, but so what. :)

I, for one, loathe derogatory name-calling of the sexual variety. I don't do it. I also identify with where you're at right now with your sexual progression. I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy I remained with for 3 years thereafter. I thought he was blowin it out the frame till I had my second encounter. Third one was even better than that.

But it doesn't end with discovery. Well for me it didn't. I went through phases. First, something of a sexual recluse, ashamed to admit to my girlfriends that I'd given my boyfriend head for the first time, faithful beyond reproach and insistent that because I'd only had sex with one guy we were married in Gods eyes. LOL madness, I know. Then there was the coming into my womanhood phase where I set out to completely own my sexuality. I wasn't lookin for a relationship, but a good time, a great fuck and a new diary entry. Fantastic period by the way. I learned a lot and my girls and I still laugh about somea the drunken debauchery we blessed more than a few non-deserving ass dudes with. Didn't matter to me then, tho. I think that's where you're at.

But I moved past that to a place where no strings attached sex actually lost its shiny new luster and actually became more of a bore. I wanted more. I'm sure you will again, too.

Thing is, this period of your life isn't isolated. It will matter when you do get ready to settle down again. Sullied reputations are hard to clean, and once an ugly name is attached to your character it's difficult to break outta that. No man wants to sport a girl on his arm that three or four other dudes in the room have run through.

I feel your desire to try out the local fair, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process. Perhaps having a relationship right now isn't a priority for you. That's cool, you're really too young to be all tied down and monagamous anyway, but the earning of respect is a different matter. Though I'll never call you a hoe or a slut or any other woman, for that mattter, most of the guys your sleepin with on the first night do. Especially the young ones. It's not fair, it sucks, but that's what it is. And it doesn't matter if you want it just as bad as they do, when a woman lies down with a man, she puts herself, and especially her reputation, in a much more vulnerable state than he does. Nobody cares if a dude runs thru 100 chicks on the same campus, but let a girl get with two frat brothers from the same line, even if its two different semesters! LOL (This, I know from experience). Trust, you don't wanna wear that scarlet letter.

My advice is not to so much concern yourself with somebody else's idea of what a slut or a hoe is - tho to answer your question, your activity probably fits the masses' broad definitions of those ugly words - rather, be safe, be discreet, and above all else be absolutely sure you're getting your due out of the arrangement. I know you say you are, but we're women and we change our minds. Just know that when you do decide you want more ... Well its gonna be hard revisitng old flames who were never required to think of you as deserving more in the first place; and equally difficult to forge new relationships with men to whom your reputation precedes you.

But you're 20. Fuck dyou care? LOL have fun, be safe.

-- Mel

Love me some Lil Wayne ...

Prostitute Flange - Lil Wayne


Trin-Trin said...

know who you are and be secure in that. the minute you let others decide for you who you are, you lose your power to define yourself. so what if you get around? who cares? as long as you are secure in who you are and your not doing anything to jeopardize your health and safety, then dont worry about other ppls perceptions of you. they don't matter because they are not you and they do not have to live in your skin. besides, the ones who are quick to label you are generally the ones who know they asses are labeled the same way!

a single male's point of view said...

Just because you like different balls bouncing off your chin doesn't make you a hoe. Now if you were getting paid to have differnent balls bouce off of your chin, then that would make you a hoe. lol

Point blank, society has fucked up views towards double standards between males in females. I 100% co-sign with what Mel mentioned. So all those labels really don't mean shit. If males were labeled the same as females, then almost every male would be labeled a hoe.

Have fun now but be careful. Remember what you do today might come back to hurt you in the future

Obsessed with the "D" said...

Thanks for the advice guys. I really appreciate it...