Ask Melyssa: Wedding proposal or chastity insurance?

Dear Melyssa,

My boyfriend of three years just proposed to me. I’ve been waiting on him to pop the question for at least a year and I should be the happiest girl in the world right now. But I’m concerned that the only reason he even asked is to keep me faithful while he’s away.

We’ve gone back and forth about his failing to propose in recent months and he always said the same thing, he’s just not ready. Then, he got word form his ship (he’s a sailor) that he’d have to deploy for six months, and voila! He pops up with a ring. I wanna accept whole heartedly ( I already told him yes) but I have my reservations. Does the timing even matter? Am I just being silly. I mean, this man loves me and I love him.

-- Unsure

Dear Unsure,

Wedding proposal or chastity insurance? I’m gonna say there’s a bit of both in your new fiance’s proposition. I’m sure he loves you deeply and sees you as the woman he wants to eventually marry, I just don’t know if he really wants to marry you right now. He’s practically said as much, right? But all of the sudden, right before he gets sent of for six months, he wants to wrap up his deal with you. Mhm. At some point, he may have gotten down on one knee, but he would absolutely not be doing it now if it weren’t for Uncle Sam’s summons. I’ve never been married (though I have turned down one proposal), but I’m gonna have to advice you to temporarily pass.

If he wants to marry you now, and his wishes are sincere, then he’ll wanna marry you in six months when he’s back on state’s side. Why should he have the security that for his entire deployment you’re gonna be waiting for him faithfully, pining away after him, throwing yourself into ribbon-adorned invitations, flowers and pictures of towering wedding cakes. Ha!

I say, let him squirm a little. Tell him, your engagement is something that really special and you want to be able to share it with him and you’d like to hold off on that engagement until he’s home and able to be a part of the planning and the excitement. And by the way, you do deserve that. Tell him you’re thrilled that he wants to spend his life with you, but this six months away from each other will also be a test of your relationship. Let’s get through that before we start making wedding announcements, k?

Best of luck, whatever you decide. Lemme know how it turns out!

XOXOX,

Mel

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Suing the slut on the side

Alienation of affection [eyl-yuh-ney-shuhn . of . uh-fek-shuhn] - Any intentional, malevolent intrusion into the relationship between a married couple.

Y’all ever heard of this? Apparently, there’s an actual law on the books in some states allowing a cheated-on wife to sue the woman her husband had an affair with for alienation of affection, and in some cases, the marriage doesn't even have to end up in divorce to file suit. Crazy, but true.

Saw this ep on Dr. Phil the other day where this woman was sued by the wife of the man she poached for half a million dollars when the two ended up divorcing. The mistress paid up when they settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.

Sounds like a little poetic justice, but the woman didn’t even know the man was still with his wife while they were getting down. And when he did fess up that he was in fact not separated but very married and living with his wife, the extra-marital relationship ended.

Still, years later when his marriage went caput, the jilted wife went hard after the old flame in court. Wow. Not only that, but the side chick could not use the fact that the married couple had problems before the affair as a defense. Doesn’t matter if they were at each other’s throats long before he met her, she got it in with him, so she’s responsible. And there’s NO law in place to punish the husband or otherwise hold him accountable for the role his dick played in the tryst.

Never been married, but I’ve been on both sides of the cheating fence and neither is a good situation. It is a horrible, heart-ripping, floor-falling-out-from-beneath-your-feet, self -deprecating feeling to find out somebody you thought was in love with you has been lying to you. And I definitely understand wanting restitution after being robbed of your relationship. But how do you prove in a court of law, or even to yourself in your own mind, that some slut on the side is single-handedly responsible for taking your man? And he gets what, nothing? A few angry sessions with a marriage counselor, if he’s even conceding to all that?

Personally, I think it’s a bunch of bullshyt, but a large portion of Dr. Phil’s audience applauded for the law. What ya’ll think? You wanna sue the slut your man’s stickin? Hit up the survey to the right.

From what I’ve read, this law only works one way. Sorry fellas, you can’t sue your tramp wife for bangin the mailman. Suck it up.

-- Mel

PS As of January 2008, the only states in the United States that allow alienation of affection lawsuits are: Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakota, and Utah. Word.

Then there's always this option:

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The Captain's not comin. Bummer

Captain Save-a-Ho, that is. LOL. Yeah, he’s not coming. I gotta tell ya, as much of a no-brainer as some of you gals might think this is, I’m really, really just coming to realize this … now. No, now. Now.

Okay, it’s a lot to accept. Perhaps calling this fairy-tale guy the Captain is a bit much. I don’t wanna be misunderstood, I’m absolutely not a gold digger. (Clearly. Stupidly, but clearly).

I am however, a traditionalist. I have this set-in idea about men’s and women’s roles in a relationship, no doubt a direct result of my home life as a child, for better or worse. I feel like there are some things a man is just supposed to be responsible for, and likewise, a woman has her duties.

I was actually just having this conversation with a guy friend of mine the other night.

“Yall wanna wear the pants, you want equality, then why don’t you go ahead and pay an equal amount of these bills!?” He drunkenly proclaimed to uproarious laughter from the peanut gallery. Good times. Such a performer, James. Smart ass.



But I’m not one a those chicks. I don’t want “equality.” Never have. I do want fairness though and I recognize that what’s fair for me and what’s fair for a man may not necessarily be equal. I mean, I gotta have the babies. Damn. Not equal. (Somebody might argue that’s not fair either tho, so never mind).

I just want a man to be a man. Take out the garbage, pick up the tab, buy me something nice, fix somethin around here, lay the pipe like nobody’s business and take care of some of these bills. Let’s just keep it 100, most of these bills. Is that bad? (I’m talking about my husband, btw, not a frivolous boyfriend).

I’m all for independent women. My mother is an independent woman. She makes her own money as a school teacher, she just never really had to spend it. Mind you, she made a fraction of my father’s income, and being the southern-bred, country boy that he was, he just let her money stack. He took care of the house note, the car notes and everything else and still came through like Santa with a cape on Christmas. (Love ya Daddy RIP). Meanwhile, my mom raised the kids and took care of the home, in addition to her profession outside the house, of course. She spent her money on what she wanted, when she wanted. What’s wrong with that? But I think pops may have been the last of a dying breed. So sad.

So tell me, am I just being spoiled and perhaps a bit out of touch in wanting a similar model for my own marriage? (Whenever that is). Or is my definition of chivalry really not dead? The last couple guys I’ve dealt with have realy got me feelin like it’s a wrap. Hit up the survey on the right. Preciate ya.

--Mel


Member this? Back when E-40 was young er. Looooved this song.

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Till death? How about just 10 or 20 … ?

What if marriages expired? How cool an idea is that, right? I was chatting with a gal pal who recently tied the knot with her BD and she’s fast becoming disenchanted with the whole set-up. (Really, I don’t know why. I mean it’s not like he changed or anything. More that she expected him to. That’s another blog).

Anyway, people fall in love and they get married because they want to plan a life together. But can you really plan a life? I mean, I got a 10 year plan, but that’s about it. So much can happen in the next decade to alter the decade after … the variables are endless. Couple that with another person and his life’s path … how are we supposed to walk together forever? (Foreva eva?) Long time.

So what if, instead of pledging your I dos for such an incomprehensible time as eternity (is it even fair to ask somebody to promise you something forever? Cmon) you chose one of a few available Non-traditional Marriage Tracks, a 10, 20 or 30-year plan. At the end of the allotted time, the contract would run out unless you both signed up for a renewal before a certain date.

How cool is that? Making the leap … a little bit. Genius, right!? Weigh in on the survey to the right ---------->

--Mel

Really, I’m a traditionalist. Once I tie the knot I really want that to be it. But I gotta tell ya, if an option like the one my girl and I came up with were available, it might be tempting. Holla.

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Now that we're tied down, can I still be tied up?

Yes, more on this whole Madonna/whore complex. (It’s kind of a big deal for me as I suffer from a form of it, myself).

Here’s my question, and I ask it at the risk of seemingly belittling the greatest job in the world which is motherhood. So now that I’m a mom, is that the only thing I will ever be able to be? I don’t mean crushing dreams of becoming a doctor or a lawyer, I mean socially, and more specifically, romantically? Are mothers forever relegated to being just moms?

So I was chatting with one of my very good girlfriends, Brandy the other day. Our kids are about the same age, only she did it the right way and got married first. Great. Lol

Anyway, she was giving me the latest installment in this love triangle she’s found herself in. She’s been embroiled in a passionate love affair with this other married guy who lives out of state. They get it in every couple of weeks on the regular and nobody suspects a thing.

Sidebar: I know it’s a mess, and I love her to death so I have told her she can’t keep up with this shyt cause she’s gonna get caught. Same time, her life is so much more exciting than mine right now, so I have no problem listening to the dirty details. I’m a drama whore, what can I say.

Anyway, she’s trying to back out of the elicit affair and get things back on track in the bedroom with the hubby, but he’s not cooperating. Sex with the lover is hot, sweaty and exciting. The husband, she says, is a bore. But it hasn’t always been like that, just the last couple of years since their child was born. The husband apparently can’t see her as the “hot little slut” (LOL love that) that he used to before they became a family.

She’s trying. She said she even bought a hot little nurse outfit and surprised him, but the two of them ended up having an eruption of laughter rather than a sexual one.

“He won’t do anything,” she said. “He doesn’t even wanna pull my hair any more. He was like, ‘I can’t pull the hair of my child’s mother.’”

Wow. And he meant that. It’s not a rarely shared sentiment either. A guy friend of mine told me he could never do all the freaky shyt he did with a certain unnamed someone -- points to self. (They weren’t together at the time. Back off) -- with his baby’s mom. “She’s my baby’s mom,” he explained. As if that explained anything.

Anyway, back to Brandy. Nevermind the sex used to be off the chain, all over the house, whenever, wherever, however and definitely on the daily. Nothin's poppin anymore. Damn. Is this what I have to look forward to?

What is it with men and their difficulty in seeing the multifaceted being that is woman: mother, wife, friend, HBIC … all that. Why I gotta be pegged?

Brandy said she was like, “In the bed, I’m not the mother of your child.” Nothin doin for hubby, tho. Bummer. He better step his game up tho, because my girl already has one foot out the door and he is oblivious.

The flipside tho, and I haven’t brought this to my girl yet, is that he can’t be the only one missing the sexy bedroom antics. And if she’s already exploring her options for alternate satisfaction, how long before he does the same thing? Just a thought. Shouts to Brandy.

-- Mel

Get at me

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With this Ring ...

Somebody on my other blog asked me some questions about why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship with my son’s father that got me thinking about societal standards, double standards, judgement and acceptance and prompted me to write this blog. It’s really a topic of subject matter in its own right. Thx for reading, SJ!

What is it about that little piece of jewelry that gives a woman seeming stability, perceived virtue and acceptance and earns her respect from the masses? I’m just a mom, a woman with a kid. No hubby, no fiancé, no significant other. So whadamI, chopped liver?

This whole concept of “perceived virtue” is a big part of what kept me in a horrible and abusive relationship from hell for as long as I was there. Comparably short lived next to some of the Lifetime flicks I’ve seen, but my own personal purgatory none the less.

Any way, I had it in my head that, pregnant and husbandless, I was a shameful failure. I thought the least i could do for my unborn child was to ensure that he would come into this world to a two-parent home, So BD (The baby’s daddy) and I decided to try and make a go of it. Thank God we didn’t get as far as the altar, but I gotta tell you, for a minute there, I was gone.

I mean, bad. I’m taking the little diamond ring I’d gotten for my birthday a couple of years ago off my right hand and slipping it onto my left, red faced, imagining that the little old church lady on the bus across from me is shaking her head at my bulging belly and bare ring finger. I faked it for my co-workers, I faked it for strangers on the street, I even told my family I was in love, riddled with guilt from having conceived illegitimately (and amid some unrelated drama as well).

Almost two years later, I am so over it. It feels so good to be free, and to care significantly less about what people think about what I do, and how they feel about who I am. I have since learned you absolutely cannot correct one mistake with another. It is impossible. You cannot do it. And it seems like an obvious statement of common sense, but sooo many of us don’t know it.

My 16-year-old cousin is pregnant. Six months. I cried real tears when she first told the fam. She’s beautiful, she’s super smart, she has scholarships lined up for college already and she’s knocked up by some kid who does not deserve her and does not have half her talent or potential. But her uber religious parents are pushing her to marry this guy. He’s willing, by the way.

I am fuming about this and on the verge of causing a real rift, because they want the family to stand behind them in their pressuring her to tie the knot. I can’t do it.

It’s one thing to mess up, have unprotected sex and end up pregnant. It is something else entirely to think that a gold band and a government stamped piece of paper can make good on that mistake.

I may have to send them a link.

-- Melyssa Ganache

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