Saturday, July 12, 2008

Suckey, suckey: Is any sex act more sacred than another?

I was out with a guy the other night. Really. Actually it’s our second time getting together. We went out for Thai. The convo was flowing well, the smiles were beamin and all that and he was talking about retiring to his place to watch this movie he just got on DVD. Right.

It was as good a time as any to let him know what he was in for – not much. So I hit him with my new celibacy rap. (Remember, I told you guys it’s locked down for 08, but then I had that unfortunate mishap a few weeks ago -- which I am completely over, by the way -- but stay with me; this was before that moment of weakness).

So anyway, it went like this:

“So you should know,” I began coolly. “I’m not having sex right now.”

He so didn’t know how to react. Just kinda nodded his head and took it in.

“So, you’re not having sex like … like until when?”

And with a straight face. I can’t make these things up. (Tho, I suppose it was a legitimate question. Guess he wanted to go ahead and mark his calendar; come back on a better day).

“Well, I don’t know. I just have no immediate plans to enter a physical relationship. I need to be really sure and equally serious about the next man in my life.”


“I mean, I like you, that’s why I’m telling you this from the gate. I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings,” I explained.

“Uh huh,” he said. “So, what, you’re waiting to get married? You found Jesus?” We laughed uncomfortably.

“I have Jesus,” I chuckled, “But no unfortunately it’s not just the strength of my faith that brought this on. I mean, I don’t necessarily plan on waiting until I’m married, but I certainly want to be able to see that kind of future with the person.”

No pressure or anything. LOL. He fumbled in his noodles with his chopsticks, bummed out and I nursed my dessert wine a little more, waiting on him to make some inevitable excuse to end the date prematurely. No point in going on if it’s not goin down, right?

Then he suddenly lifted his head as if he’d had a revelation.

“So when you say physical, do you mean just sex, or … I mean, do you mean everything?

“Um, whadyou mean, ‘everything?’” I asked looking real confused in the face.

Is this nigga serious? Is he askin me to suck his dick over this dinner table?

“I mean, you know--” he stuttered.

I wanna wrinkle my face. I wanna cut him off and finish his sentence in a way that will let him know I am in no way game for oral sex in lieu of regular sex. I wanna abruptly top his sentence off with something like, “you mean kissing? Holding hands? Sure.” But I’m quiet and my face remains still.

His sentence is like a train wreck. I can’t look away. I really want this dude to get his complete thought out of his mouth just so I can actually believe what he’s about to say, though it will also mean I won’t be able to take his calls anymore. What’s going down right now is a direct violation of the Qualifying Process (which I’ll also be blogging on later) and his name and number will absolutely have to be deleted from my cell phone directory. Hate that. But I will not stop him.

“You know,” he leaned in over the table as if to whisper but over enunciates the word, “oral?”

I burst into laughter and choked on my wine. My sip had become a guzzle at the beginning of his last sentence.

"I mean, okay you don't do everything, but you don't mind helping your partner out, do you?" He asked, trying to clean things up but muddying them irrevocably.

“Do I what?” I asked as if I hadn’t understood him. He’d been crystal.

“I mean, if you don’t want to have sex, I understand that, but at some point, I mean, we can’t even enjoy each other?”

Okay, now he’s backtracking. He shoulda started off with “enjoying each other” but went straight for the dome instead.

“Uh. No,” I said flatly. Needless to say the conversation pretty much fell off from there and the check came shortly thereafter. LOL.

And just to keep it 100, I’m not above putting out the Magnificent <-- That's a word a girlfriend of mine made up for fire head, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be quizzed about exactly what acts I’m willing to perform and what acts I’m not as a prerequisite for you deciding if I’m worth another date. Kill yourself.

And what makes him think if I’m not fuckin that I might just be suckin, anyway? I mean, I’ve heard of chicks just going down when they won’t have sex, because it’s not as “serious” as sex, and viewed more as foreplay. I think this is more a white girl thing, tho. (Shouts to my snow bunnies. Thx for reading. Holla). And by the way I do believe oral sex is sex.

Sidebar: Tho I do still tell people I lost my virginity at 18 because that’s when I had intercourse for the first time, though at 16, my high school boyfriend was going down on the regular after 2:30 p.m.. (Rare breed. Never asked for anything in return. He was just happy to be there). But then I also don’t count the guy at college camp when I was 17 which did culminate with actual “sex,” I guess. I’ve kinda blocked it out. He’s a freebie. (We all have them; the ones who don’t count toward the grand tally. LOL That’s another blog). And anyway, that’s not the point.

I say all that to ask this …

Do you hold one sex act more sacredly than another? Is oral a free-for-all, while vaginal is coveted and anal is the holiest of holies? Or is the bedroom like a great big buffet for yall, tossed salad layed out right next to the main entrees and shyt? LOL. Just askin. Hit up the survey, please. Preciate ya.

-- Mel

Had he kept his foot outta his mouth he mighta gotten some hand action. : )


cutienjerzey said...

Mel, you are crazy...You know I was envisioning him asking you that at the table..And the nucca was really serious. Like come on now, that was real tasteless on his part. He could have brought that line of questioning in a little more down the road. Men really have no shame to them at all. I'm glad you kicked him to the wolves, he sure wasn't worth your time..This sounds like a story that if happened to one of my girlfriends, they would have been on the cell in the bathroom with me putting him on front street..LMAO The nerve of him....

Melyssa Ganache said...

Girl! I was so outdone. Haven't even spoken to him since then. He tested me a few times but it's a wrap. The nerve! :)

Amber said...

I absolutely love coming here! You've always got an entertaining life story/event happening, lol. Crazy, that guy is...keep it up.

Melyssa Ganache said...

Aw Thx so much Amber. Glad you came back. ;)

Nonshalant said...

I think there's deff. a diff. gettin head and gettin ass is 2 diff. things and they can't b put in the same catagory, gettin dome is 4play but gettin that gud shyt is somethin that is a catagory by itself cuz it's not 4play that's the main course and as far as anal... well that's only for the indiana jones type