Monday, August 11, 2008

Ask Melyssa: Stuck between my ex-man and the next man

Dear Melyssa,

My man and I have lived together for two years, but about six months ago, we broke up. Our lease isn’t up yet though, and neither one of us wants to break it. Plus, we can’t afford to move out and live alone right now, so instead we’re just sleeping in separate bedrooms waiting another six months for the lease to run out and saving up money to go our own ways.

We’ve been pretty good about being civil, I still cook every night, we still talk in the evenings and we have had sex since the break up, though not in the past couple of months. He dates other women, and doesn’t come home sometimes, but he hasn’t brought anyone around the apartment. Well, I want to …

I have no problem with what he does with anybody else, but recently I met someone. I’m really feeling this dude and he’s really feeling me. But he’s having a hard time dealing with the fact that I live with my ex-man. He’s never been to my place and thinks that I’m keeping him away because I’m still with my man. I’m not. But the new guy says he won’t believe me until he can come over like a regular relationship. Hang out, eat dinner, stay the night … like a real boyfriend.

My thing is this, my ex-man has been really respectful and discreet about what he does and I feel like I kinda owe him the same respect. But does it even really matter since we’re not even together anymore? I’m gonna fuck around and lose my new guy if I don’t make a decision. What should I do?

-- Between a Rock and a Hard Place

PS. I'm not ready to move in with the new guy and FYI, he hasn't offered anyway.

Dear Between a Rock and a Hard Place,

I’m afraid you’re not gonna wanna hear this, but unfortunately, you’re really not in a position to move on right now. Though you may have emotionally moved past your relationship with your live-in – tho being that the two of you just got it in two months ago, I’m not even sure about that – You’re not in a position where you can reasonably physically move on and that’s a big part of a relationship … physical presence. Your new guy’s absolutely right. He deserves to be with someone who can be with him … who can cook for him, invite him over for late-night movies and with whom it’s okay to sleep over. You don’t have that kind of situation right now.

The fact that you and your ex-man aren’t technically together right now is really a non-issue. Bringin another dude all up and through the home that you share with him is so not a good idea. It will absolutely create a hostile environment for you for the next six months, until you can comfortably get your own space. And though you may be able to logically win the argument when your man confronts you about your sleepovers, it really doesn’t matter who’s right, if it makes you both miserable. There’s a reason your roommate hasn’t brought his new chicks around you. He doesn’t wanna set that precedence, probably because he knows he couldn’t take it if the shoe were on the other foot. Honestly, what man could?

You’ve got something good here. Half the rent’s paid, your relationship is amicable and you’re both saving up money in a peaceful environment in an effort to part ways, happily. Please don’t rock the boat. If your new man doesn’t understand that, well, I certainly understand him. But sit him down and explain it to him. Who knows, maybe he’ll come around. I mean, it’s only six more months. If he really sees a future with you, he may just stick it out.

Good luck!

-- Mel

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