Once Bi: Can my man really give up men?

Dear Melyssa,

I met this guy about 6 months ago and we’ve been together ever since. He’s perfect, Mel. Fine as hell, good ass job, no kids, never been married, educated, funny, loving, sex off the chain … Dayum! I mean, PERFECT. Until he told me he’s been with a dude before. WTF?

He sat me down and told me he sees no difference between having a relationship with a woman or a man. When he’s looking for a partner, he’s looking for certain characteristics, not necessarily a gender. He told me he’s only had one relationship with a man though and has been with all women before and since. But he says he doesn’t regret it and doesn’t see a problem with it and he could be in a relationship with a man again.

Same time, he says he loves me, wants to be with me, feels completely fulfilled with me and he will not step outside our relationship. The thing about him being with another man in the future is only if at some point we don’t work out.

Mel I’m bout to be 30, grown as hell and not about games. I wanna get married, I wanna have kids and I wanna live a good life and not have to want for anything. This man wants all of those things too and can give them to me. We agree on everything else, but I can’t get this gay shit outta my head. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. How the fuck am I supposed to get over this? Can I really believe that when we go out he’s not gonna be checkin for dudes? I just don’t know what to do! I want it sooo bad. But damn. A dude?

-- Not So Fine Bi Me

Dear Not So Fine Bi Me,

Love the name. (You so crazy). Damn. Bi? Shit. That’s fuuuuuucked up. LOL. Really though, I gotta give your man props for even comin clean at all about this. I respect his point of view but personally find the shit nasty and unattractive. You sound like you’re settling to me. Why? Don’t you deserve better? I don’t even think the issue is whether or not he’ll actually be monogamous, or whether he’ll be heterosexually monogamous but cheat on you with dudes, or whether you’ll catch him stealing glances at guys on the street, or staying on the boxing channel a couple seconds too long while he’s flippin thru … or any of that. The issue is that whether it’s warranted or not, you will never stop worrying about that shit. Sounds like a set up for misery to me. Don’t do it. And stop making it so hard for you to make the decision you know you need ot make by saying he’s perfect in every other way. That nigga’s not perfect, he likes dick! So fuckin what he makes good money and makes you laugh! So what he’s never been married and doesn’t have kids. Wonder why? LOL.

For real tho, you deserve better so you have to require better.

About the homo shit tho, at some point, it’s gonna come out. He says he can only be with you, but if he likes dick, he likes dick. At some point it will become a struggle for him. Even if he’s strong enough to resist, do you want to lie next to a man havin that kind of inner turmoil? Fantasizin about the delivery dude at work and shit while he’s on top of you? Even if he’s not hittin dude off. Don’t even do it to yourself and please don’t delay in ending this relationship. It will only become more difficult to do what you need to do, which s to leave it alone.

-- Mel

Got a query? Holla.

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Girl Play: Is she serious?

Dear Melyssa,

I guess I have two questions. First, me and my best friend have been tight since high school. Tight through her failed marriage, the births of both our kids, cheating boyfriends, changing jobs … we been through it. I love this chick. This is my ace chick. But not like that. Lately, she’s been real touchy feely with me.

We’ve always hugged hello and goodbye, kisses on the check sometimes, whatever. I never thought anything of this stuff. But what about we’re laying on the sofa the other week, on opposite ends watchin TV and she starts to give me a foot rub. Woah, right? Is it just me? I was a little uncomfortable and embarrassed, so I pretended like I was ticklish and pulled away. She just came at me more and we’re “play” wrestling on the sofa and on the floor and she’s laughing and smiling, and I was too, but just because I didn’t know what else to do. Okay, that’s one time.

Then this other time we were getting dressed at my house, bout to go to the club. I had just come out of the shower and she was already getting her dress on. So I dropped my towel and commenced to oiling up. I didn’t think anything of it. We’ve been roommates before, we’ve seen each other naked, we’ve walked in on each other having sex, we’ve actually had sex with our boyfriends in the same room before. LOL. I thought nothing of it. But something about the way I caught her peepin me in the mirror freaked me out and I finished dressing in the walk-in closet, pretending like I was looking for something to wear.

First of all, I’m straight as a fucking arrow and love the dick. But I also love this chick like a sister and don’t want to offend her. How can I bring this issue to her without ruining everything and creeping us both out? Is this even something we need to talk about? Am I being sensitive?

-- Strickly Dickly

Dear Strickly Dickly,

First of all, me too. : ) Now that that’s outta the way, my knee jerk reaction is, your girl’s waaaaay outta line and needs to be set straight. With something like this, it shouldn’t take more than one wrinkle of your face, one strong pull away of your arm, or a firmly stated, “stop it” to end all this shyt. She’s probably just as nervous about this new terrain – assuming it’s new terrain for her – as you are.

But what keeps me from going totally with that advice is the fact that you know this girl as well as you do. Yall are upper tight, been down for years, and through a few stages of life together. People don’t just have friends like that. I have two. I consider myself blessed. But thatabout it. So just off the strength of your relationship with her and you saying this behavior is brand new … I dunno. Wouldn’t you have known if she dabbled in puss? LOL. (didn’t that sound horrible? I know. Funny tho). But really, isn’t this a discussion yall woulda had by now, whether over a girl’s shopping and lunch date or a drunken confession at a late night co-ed Truth or Dare set? Homosexual proclivities don’t just pop up, as far as I know, I mean. I’d think this is something you’d already know about your girl. I dunno. Sorry I’m not being any more decisive. But you know her best.

How about this? Why don’t you ask her if she’s ever thought about being with a woman. Not like a direct interview question, but throw it in to your next girl talk/gossip session.

Y’know, “I hear Jada and Will both get it in on the low …” or whatever.

“I don’t know if I could have my man getting dicked down on the side, I don’t give a damn how much money he makes … could you be with another woman?”

Like you’re just throwin it out there. If she’s really been looking for an “in” with all this girl play, then she’ll definitely take it. If not, then there’s your answer.

-- Mel

Just to keep it 100, and because I do love to share my biz, one of my best girlfriends and I put on quite a show for one unsuspecting and lucky-as-hell dude back in college. We discussed it before hand, picked him out special and got nice and drunk. LOL. Good times. Nothing below the belt tho. No disrespect to the GLBT community, but that shit is nasty. I don’t know how straight dudes do it but God blessem!

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Low testosterone levels mistaken for gayness? Ya’ll heard a this shyt?

Like I was sayin earlier, my gaydar is seriously off. I might have to holla at Terrance Dean the next time I have a could-be situation. He, by the way, writes a deliciously juicy DL column, Confessions of a Down Low Man, over at Twelve24Girl.com. Lovin it <-- said in the sing-songey “hated it voice” of the male movie critics from In Living Color. Member that?)

Anyway, I believe -- and will not be told different no matter what his friends say, Brian -- that I was in a months-long relationship with a DL guy.

I really, really liked this guy. Really liked him. We had fun together, our senses of humor clicked effortlessly, and outside of the bedroom, he was very generous. Under the sheets however, it was like pulling teeth. This guy never wanted to perform. I was mad like, I wanted to charge him rent for all the time he spent sleeping, in my bed. Really, sleeping.

Early on in the relationship he confided in me that he was born with this problem. He had below average testosterone levels. His body didn’t make near the amount of testosterone that other men’s bodies did. (Thinking back, he was naturally smooth and hardly ever had to shave …). Anyway, he said when he turned 18, he started taking these prescription testosterone shots on the advice of his doctor to help bring his levels up to nomal. He said it made him horny, angry and aggressive and he started lifting weights all the time and picking fights at random. This is a guy who hates confrontation, mind you, and who I’ve known to be very sensitive and definitely not aggressive. (Like a girl, really. Hindsight, of course). Anyway, he said He went off the shot after a couple of months because he didn’t like the person it made him. I was soooo understanding ya’ll. Honestly, I felt kinda warm and fuzzy that he shared all this with me. It’s not something he’d even told his best friend, who happens to be one of my very best guy friends and the one who introduced us. Brian. Who still doesn’t believe his boy is full blown or at the very least has tendancies. Im tryin to tell you. Anyway, I felt so absolutely priviledged at the time to be taken into his confidence, but clearly I don’t give a fuck anymore because I’m telling yall about it. That bullshyt was for the birds.

Slowly, he started revealing other things to me.

Like, he prefers wearing womens perfume to mens cologne, for one. Weird. But okay. I’ve fallen in love with a couple of mens fragrances before … though I don’t think I’ve actually worn them … but that was me justifying. Told yall, I really liked him. Then came the sex talk.

“Are you one of those girls that has to have sex all the time?” He asked me one night, head on the pillow, after a particularly sweaty session.

One of those girls? What am I, a nympho because I’m vocal and like to show my man I’m having a good time? Twice. At least twice.

“I guess, I should tell you, I don’t have a very high libido. I mean, My ex and I only did it like …”

I am stupefied.

“Like once a month or so,” he finished, ignoring my gaping jaw.

Serious. But ya’ll, even THEN, I was really tryin to work with dude. We compromised his once-a-month with my once-a-day and came up with a minimum of three times a week. Yes, we had this conversation. Like we'd been married for 15 years and got three kids in the other room or some shyt.

But even that didn’t work.

It got to the point where one day when we were in the car, I was just like, “look, are you gay? I just need to know.” The beginning of the end. Do you know this man looked at me and said, “Why do all my girlfriends ask me that? Every woman I’ve ever been with has asked me that.” Are you f*ckin kiddin me? Dude, you’re gay. Maybe you haven’t actually been plugged yet, perhaps you are vehemently suppressing the fantasies that no doubt appear in your mind when we’re on the sofa watching basketball together, perhaps it has not occurred to you that this is the reason you don’t find the idea of having pussy for dinner appealing. (This was another one of our twice a week fights. He didn’t mind me on top, just not on top of his face. So frustrating). Anyway, I was outdone.

“Every woman you’ve been with has asked you that?” I repeated in disbelief. Wow. He looked like I had hurt his feelings. Like, I’d called him a name or something.

Needless to say, it was a rap after that. A good four months of my life, wasted. Thx for that.

Anyway, I say all that to say this: Don’t ask me about gay men, or DL men, or men who like to suck dick but say they’re not gay. (Just threw that one in there so you’d understand the gravity of my ignorance on this score). I clearly have no idea what the f*ck is going on at any time.

-- Mel.

The chick after me, he's been with for like three years now. I'd love to have a sit-down chit chat with her. Have noooo idea how she takes it.

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My man and his boy are a lil too tight. DL?

Dear Melyssa,

I’m a 23-year-old sista and me and my man have been together for a year and a half. The sex was godd at first (never great) but lately it’s nonexistent. We live together and these last few months, he’s been coming home late, working late, and staying out partying. Thing is, he’s given me no real reason to doubt him. He always calls and lets me know where he’s at, or if he’s not gonna be in time for dinner and he’ll just pick something up, or if he and his boy are goin by the bar after work … but that’s the thing. It’s always with his boy. I have never seen a dude call another dude at all times of night like this guy does. He rings my man’s phone at 12, 1 and 2 in the morning all during the week and shyt. What’s up with that? When I ask my man, “what did Damon want this time?” He just blows it off like, “You know Damon, his girl is trippin on him again.” Well I wish dude would find another shoulder to cry on or whatever the hell he’s doin with my man’s shoulder. When I told my girls about this they said I was bein crazy and paranoid. But here’s the biggest part … I usually work on Saturday afternoons, right? Well this particular Saturday they let me go early and I came home and walked in on my man and his boy sittin extra close on the sofa. Nothin super obvious like roaming hands or anything, but they were definitely closer than a couple of heterosexual dudes on a big ol couch should have been. As soon as I walked in they jumped and my man stood up and raced over to greet me. Super suspect.

So, what you think, is my man on the DL?

-- Fingers Crossed

Dear Fingers Crossed,

Damn. Sounds a lil sus to me too. But then, whado I know? I think I must have the worst gaydar in the history of inaccurate gaydar. Hasn’t always been that way. I could pick one out of a line up. Tangent: But there’s a new gayness out now. It’s like wallpaper, it blends in. LOL. I’ll have to tell you the story about one of my exes who used to wear women’s perfume, claimed to have a male period and always always, always wanted me on top ... when he wanted me at all. I can’t even go through that with you right now. I might regurgitate my lunch.

About your man, you know him best. I’d go with my gut. You’re sleeping with this man, eating with this man, sharing things, I imagine … you know him. If somethings not right, you know that, too. My gut tells me, if he jumped, somethin aint right. Best I can tell you is protect yourself. And you might wanna invest in one of those handy little surveillance cams for the bedroom. You can get one that looks like a clock radio. How cool is that?

Lemme know how this one turns out. Best of luck.

-- Mel

Got a query? Holla.

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Do you care if your kid’s gay? (Don't lie)

So my 17-year-old cousin just came out of the closet to the fam. He made a big announcement to us all, his mom, dad, uncles, aunts, cousins, even our great grandmother, the matriarch of the family. Major balls.

A resounding part of me applauds him for his courage, and I told him so. I mean, people live years in the closet, lifetimes even – marrying and having kids and living a façade … and some with good reason. Its 2007, but for some people, coming out still means risking many of the relationships they hold dear. The reaction to David’s announcement was mixed, as could be expected I guess. But I was one of the many in our clan that took it in stride. I’ll love him no matter what.

I have to admit tho, it came as a real shock.

Growing up, he wasn’t the kid that got picked on and called f*ggot by the bigger boys. He didn’t skip rope with the girl cousins in the summers or play dolls with us. He played football and wrestled and got bruised up and cursed. At 12, he skipped Sunday school and got caught fingering the pastor’s daughter in the basement – during service, no less. He was a boy. And in high school, he’d often confide in me of his conquests with the ladies. He’s dashingly handsome, the girls love him and he seemed to love them. None of the stereotypic “tells” applied here. His coming out came out of left field. His being gay, in and of itself I guess, isn’t so much to accept, for me. It’s the surprise. I mean, I thought my gaydar was on point. This one clearly slipped under.

And that got me to thinking … I don’t wanna be surprised like that. More specifically … and I’ll just say it, cause I don’t know how to say it, but to say it …




I don’t want my son to surprise me in 16 years. I don't want my kid to be gay. There.

Is that even okay to say in 2008? I dunno. I mean, I consider y’all to be fam, so I’m making this really real. I have to admit tho, I do have some misgivings about even feeling that way. Judgemental. I mean, I have gay relatives (one more, as of late) gay friends … really good gay friends, and I looove Noah’s Ark (the Black gay series on LoGo). I kinda feel like a hypocrite, yknow? like the white guy who says “I don’t mind my daughter bein friends with em but I’ll be damned if she marries a darkie.” Isn’t it the same thing? It’s okay to spend a Saturday shopping or dance the night away at a gay bar with my boifriends, and if that’s the lifestyle my cousin says is for him, that’s cool with me, too - But not my son? Not my son? I mean, I’ll love my baby boy no matter what, that’s not even my issue. Be clear. But I want him to be straight. More than that, I don’t want him to be gay. Is that kinda f*cked up? Just askin.

So tell me mamas, especially the ladies raising boys, but even if you have a daughter, is your child’s sexuality concerning? Do you even care? Don’t lie.

-Melyssa Ganache (Originally published Oct4, 2007, thus some comments are old)

Speaking of the - ahem - aforementioned, this kid's got talent:

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