Monday, March 17, 2008

5 Kids, 3 baby daddies and she may be cheating; Should he leave?

Dear Melyssa,

I'm a 28 year-old-male that has been involved with this woman for four years. We have two kids together and she has three other babies from three different baby fathers. Most men my age would have run the other way, but I stuck it out. I'm not the type of person to knock anybody's actions, because we all have skeletons in our closet. So now we have a total of five kids. I thought we lived a good life, we just purchased a large ass house in the burbs to accommodate all these kids and we're about to buy a Chevy Suburban to drive all our kids around town. But all that changed this past Wednesday when I found out she was cheating on me. Well, I'm not 100% sure she cheated YET but I can confirm that she was supposed to be fucking one of her ex-boyfriends on Friday. Plus, I learned she was talking to another ex-boyfriend, some other nigga I don't know, and this young nigga from our old neighborhood. Also I suspect that she's fucking some guy on her job, but I'm not sure about that. I found out about all of this after snooping thru her MySpace messages.

Now we have already had numerous fights about MySpace. I also learned she communicates with all these niggas via her office phone, so I don't know how long she's been creaping.

My girl is very jealous and snoops thru my phone, mail, and all the other stuff I don't know about. I can't have phone calls from other women without her getting upset and forcing me to hang up the phone, despite the fact that it's always business related. People have told me if someone is that jealous, then maybe they're the one that's cheating. So since she invades my privacy, I started to invade hers. Now over the years she has never gave me any reasons not to trust her, plus I've never found any evidence that she was stepping out on me. Our sex life has been nonexistent for the past three months, because she has had trouble with her "plumbing". Her doctor has given her pills, but she says they are not working. Before her problems started, my sexual performance has been very bad. That's why I believe her cheating is some what my fault, but that is still no excuse. Of course I was hurt and I'm still hurting. I've never felt pain like this since I had to bury my little sister. This shit is tearing me up inside and I want to fuck something up, but I'm a calm dude. Don't get it twisted I'm not some nut ass nigga. The fucked up part about this is I was planning to marry this bitch next year. She knows that I know about her side actions because I packed my shit and left. I left on the day she was supposed to be meeting her ex, just to fuck up her whole weekend. I know that was petty, lol, but I felt that was the best thing to do at the time. I didn't talk to her about it, because I'm very fearful about what I might do to her. I plan on talking to her later today though. After we talk, do you think we should get back together? If you was in my shoes what would you do? Please help.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Three kids by three different men? I don’t know whether to commend you for your nobility or shake you for your stupidity. I’m a single mother myself, but even I would have second thoughts about giving my son my blessing if he came to me one day talking about he was in love with some chick who already had a kid, not to mention three. I’d want more for him. I know about the inherited responsibility that comes with an instant family. It’s not fair. But what’s done is done and you sound like a really stand up guy, responsible, good head on your shoulders, hard-working (I mean, you are feeding five kids) … Good for you! And you’re right, I don’t know many other men who would put themselves in that situation but I’m sure those five babies are thankful.

In fact if it weren’t for the kids, I’d tell you to be gone. Like yesterday. Fast. But since there is more at stake here than just your relationship with a woman, let’s sort this through.

(And until you do get it sorted, please don’t move forward with a wedding and just make the mess messier).

She’s never cheated on you before and she didn’t get a chance to go through with her plans to cheat on you this time. I know I’m gonna catch so much hate for this but you asked for my honest opinion. I think the two of you should seriously find the root of the problem and try to fix it. That’s what I think … and let the hate begin. Lol. But really you guys got a great big family that’s on the verge of break up over this. I don’t have to tell you what a big deal that is. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you stay together for the kids. God forbid I would ever give anybody some advice like that. That was my own problem. I’m only suggesting you work harder because of the kids. That’s all.

With that said, I don’t know if you’ll be able to work it out while you’re still in the house with her. Okay lemme explain, I dunno what you said that made me feel this way, but this is the feeling I get so I’ll just share it. I don’t think she believes you. I think she thinks you’re all bark. You’re taking care of her, five kids, just boItalicught a house, bout to buy a car, tryna wife this chick and she’s still fuckin around on Myspace. You need more people. She’s not buyin it.

But first, you need to know it yourself: You sir, are a prize. Five kids? Five kids? Damn. And you stepped up like a champ, too? I promise you, you will not be replaced easily. And if she’s even reasonably intelligent your absence won’t have to be long before she realizes the dudes trying to get at her only want what they want. They definitely do not wanna play daddy to a basketball team.

I say you walk, decide what it’s gonna take for you to come back and give her the list. If it means pulling the Myspace page down to make you comfortable, say that. You want her to break contact with that dude she used to know? Say that. It’s not like she can’t have friends, but if you have proof that these relationships have become inappropriate, you’re well within your rights to shut it down.

A person appreciates anything (including relationships) a lot more if they had to work for it. Her shyt sounds like it’s plated up on a platter.

If you do decide to take my advice and vacay for a bit away from the house, think about this, too. This woman -- a young woman I guess, since you’re only 27 yourself -- has had three children from three failed relationships. Before you. Dyou have any idea what went wrong with those relationships? No judgment here, but that might give you some insight into what’s happening with yours.

Good luck and God bless.

-- Mel

PS I don’t think packing your shyt and bailing on the day she was set to meet with her ex was petty at all. : )

Got a situation? Want a second opinion? Hit me up at


Rev Kev said...

His ego is very bruised but I think that all of the problems are due to honesty issues. They need to realize that both parties have messed up. They've got 5 kids so they have every incentive to try and make it work. At least they found out about the trust issues before they got married. They need to go to counseling. If they can together make the decision that they need help than that's the first step. Even though she hurt him very badly he needs to keep in mind that she is still his kids' mother and to show her the utmost respect even if she isn't. If he feels like he could do something irrational then he needs to leave.

Nadia SoCool said...

I'm not really feelin neither of yall's advice. He needs to leave that bitch and get wit a real woman like me.