Monday, March 24, 2008

His baby on the side is breaking us up

ear Melyssa,

I have been with my guy off and on for about three years. We have been through a lot of different things, most of them being on his end. Well, to make a long story short, we were on bad terms and he had sex with his baby momma which resulted in her getting pregnant again. I have two kids of my own and they now have two daughters. I accepted his first child because she came before me but I cannot move on past this second one. He has changed and apologized profusely but it still doesn’t change what he did, in my mind.

He wants me to support him and I do, in every aspect of his life except this one. I do not want anything to do with this kid. Nothing at all and he doesn’t understand why. I have gone through the same situation twice before with my older sons' father and my deceased sons father and the last time was very devastating because I was pregnant when he got the other chick pregnant and my son ended up passing away nine months into the pregnancy. I have a hard time forgiving people that betray me. I just want to know how do I begin to get over this? I feel so much rage that I can't think straight sometimes. I would appreciate whatever advice you have to offer.

-- Bitter and Betrayed

Dear Bitter and Betrayed,

I am so sorry for your loss, first off. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.

Okay, so I’m reading your letter and finding myself becoming outraged and angry for you. I want so much more for you. You didn’t ask whether you should leave or not, so I guess that decision has already been made, but if you’re still unsure, girl pack your bags.

Your man will always have a relationship with his babies’ mom and this recent incident has just reopened years-old feelings, at least for her, and made them fresh. If she just had his baby, I don’t imagine she’ll be going anywhere any time soon. And that’s even if he is sincere about not wanting to be with her anymore. She is certainly not about to make it easy for him, or you. All I see from this situation is more confusion coming from it. Just thank God that -- though you have three years with this man, though you love him and may have thought you’d spend your life with him and though leaving him may be gut wrenchingly hard -- at least you don’t have kids with this guy. Get out!

If he can’t understand why you are not yet ready (and may never be) to accept his side child, then he’s still suffering from the same selfishness and thoughtlessness that allowed him to cheat on you with her in the first place. And adding disrespect to injury, without a rubber.

Okay, that was the easy part. Now, to get past it. I know that must be so much easier said than done. You say this happened to you twice before, I wonder if you ever really got over those betrayals. And I don’t know how long ago you lost your child, but have you had time to grieve that loss? I ask because I know from experience, people, especially women, tend to get what we attract. Also, disappointment and loss usually leave us searching for love.

I know now, after the madness my son’s father had me in, I can go through anything. I have found strength I didn’t know I had. I dunno if you’re a particularly religious person, but I’ve also reconnected with God through my ordeal. I am ready for the next level.

This won’t kill you either. It will make you stronger.

Also, it’s okay to be angry. How can you not be, right? Incensed, even. But don’t spend too much time on it. Redirect your energy. Write down a 5-year-plan, set out to do whatever that thing is you said you wanted to do before you got wrapped up, fell in love, and life happened. Concentrate on that. I know my shyt has given me so much material for a book. : ) And I’m finally making the time to write it.

And finally, in all things, find joy. Just think, had she not gotten pregnant when she did, that affair might have continued for years before coming to light. You could be married with two kids together and then you find out he can't be trusted. Or maybe you’d just still be stuck with a man who is quite obviously undeserving of your dedication, continuing to rob you of your true destiny and the happiness you're supposed to have in this life. Count yourself better for it, and make yourself better for it. It is true, good living is the best revenge.

Stay up and God bless.

-- Mel

Got a situation? Want a second opinion? Hit me up at


Lemarac_qt7 said...

First, it’s hard to support someone you don't trust, trust is a foundation to most aspects of a relationship. That being said you can't have a healthy relationship with someone you don’t trust. Second, for him say that he can’t understand why you can't except this new child shows a total lack of consideration. If the situation were switched around, would he want to look at you pregnant let alone look at the child? That’s asking you to look his indiscretion in the face when every she is there. You didn't do wrong why should you be punished? With that being said again, You cant have a healthy relationship with someone who has no consideration for you. He has refreshed the situation with his child’s mother. Im sure she is upset and confused as well. Yes, you should always forgive because holding on to anger and hurt is unhealthy. But in this case forgive and let go. Sorry for your loss as well. Oh and it is extremely difficult to have a healthy relationship when u have issues within yourself. Maybe this is a sign that you should take time for yourself. So when some1 worth it comes along you and be ready and Happy.

jasmin said...
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jasmin said...

Great advice from both of you.

jasmin said...
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lemarac_qt7 said...

lol And clearly i need to proof read. Sorry for all the typos