Ask Melyssa: When does Mama get to get it in?

Dear Melyssa,
I'm currently a single mother and I'm looking to get back into the dating scene. I recently broke up with my "BD" after 7 years because I found out he was cheating. With a 6 month old daughter, how would you suggest getting back in the dating scene? Also, are all single mothers doomed into doing the "you can come to my house but after 10pm because that's when my child goes to sleep?"

-- Needin Some

Needin Some,

Girrrl. Who are you askin? LOL. I have no idea how single mothers of small children are supposed to get it in. My baby boy’s going on two years old now and the whole social life vs single motherhood still greatly eludes me. I’ve sworn off the horizontal mambo for a minute (it’s good to just work on yourself sometimes aint it?) But when I do get back in the game, I’m gonna need a dependable babysitter. That’s my advice to you. Put the baby to bed at 8, rather than 10, and instead of bringing dude in, he needs to take you out.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole comin through all late at night, anyway. I’m assuming he’s out the door before the baby wakes up in the morning. I don’t like it. Even if the two of you don’t intend for it to happen, that set up is destined to relegate you to mere booty call status.

Seven years and he wants to eff up like that? Damn. I hate that for you.

Anybody got any suggestions? I could use them, too : )

-- Melyssa

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His baby on the side is breaking us up

Dear Melyssa,

I have been with my guy off and on for about three years. We have been through a lot of different things, most of them being on his end. Well, to make a long story short, we were on bad terms and he had sex with his baby momma which resulted in her getting pregnant again. I have two kids of my own and they now have two daughters. I accepted his first child because she came before me but I cannot move on past this second one. He has changed and apologized profusely but it still doesn’t change what he did, in my mind.

He wants me to support him and I do, in every aspect of his life except this one. I do not want anything to do with this kid. Nothing at all and he doesn’t understand why. I have gone through the same situation twice before with my older sons' father and my deceased sons father and the last time was very devastating because I was pregnant when he got the other chick pregnant and my son ended up passing away nine months into the pregnancy. I have a hard time forgiving people that betray me. I just want to know how do I begin to get over this? I feel so much rage that I can't think straight sometimes. I would appreciate whatever advice you have to offer.

-- Bitter and Betrayed

Dear Bitter and Betrayed,

I am so sorry for your loss, first off. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child.

Okay, so I’m reading your letter and finding myself becoming outraged and angry for you. I want so much more for you. You didn’t ask whether you should leave or not, so I guess that decision has already been made, but if you’re still unsure, girl pack your bags.

Your man will always have a relationship with his babies’ mom and this recent incident has just reopened years-old feelings, at least for her, and made them fresh. If she just had his baby, I don’t imagine she’ll be going anywhere any time soon. And that’s even if he is sincere about not wanting to be with her anymore. She is certainly not about to make it easy for him, or you. All I see from this situation is more confusion coming from it. Just thank God that -- though you have three years with this man, though you love him and may have thought you’d spend your life with him and though leaving him may be gut wrenchingly hard -- at least you don’t have kids with this guy. Get out!

If he can’t understand why you are not yet ready (and may never be) to accept his side child, then he’s still suffering from the same selfishness and thoughtlessness that allowed him to cheat on you with her in the first place. And adding disrespect to injury, without a rubber.

Okay, that was the easy part. Now, to get past it. I know that must be so much easier said than done. You say this happened to you twice before, I wonder if you ever really got over those betrayals. And I don’t know how long ago you lost your child, but have you had time to grieve that loss? I ask because I know from experience, people, especially women, tend to get what we attract. Also, disappointment and loss usually leave us searching for love.

I know now, after the madness my son’s father had me in, I can go through anything. I have found strength I didn’t know I had. I dunno if you’re a particularly religious person, but I’ve also reconnected with God through my ordeal. I am ready for the next level.

This won’t kill you either. It will make you stronger.

Also, it’s okay to be angry. How can you not be, right? Incensed, even. But don’t spend too much time on it. Redirect your energy. Write down a 5-year-plan, set out to do whatever that thing is you said you wanted to do before you got wrapped up, fell in love, and life happened. Concentrate on that. I know my shyt has given me so much material for a book. : ) And I’m finally making the time to write it.

And finally, in all things, find joy. Just think, had she not gotten pregnant when she did, that affair might have continued for years before coming to light. You could be married with two kids together and then you find out he can't be trusted. Or maybe you’d just still be stuck with a man who is quite obviously undeserving of your dedication, continuing to rob you of your true destiny and the happiness you're supposed to have in this life. Count yourself better for it, and make yourself better for it. It is true, good living is the best revenge.

Stay up and God bless.

-- Mel

Got a situation? Want a second opinion? Hit me up at MelyssaGanache@gmail.com

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Deciphering the Double Standard: Why can’t men take it?

Good question. Me and my girl were debating this the other day. Shouts to Michelle.

“I mean, he’s been caught red-handed before and we were able to get past that shyt. But let my phone vibrate after midnight and it’s bout to be world war III all in our bedroom,” she told me. “It’s like I’m supposed to respect his ego more than he respects my feelings. Men and their f*ckin egos.”

Juuust had this convo, and as if I haven’t had shyt else to do, I been thinking about it a lot since then. (First of all, if you live with your man your phone really shouldn’t be ringin after midnite anyway, I’m just sayin).

But here’s my take on this age-old question and it’s more than a bruised ego.

When men cheat, it’s horrible. It ruins trust, it may take months or years to repair the relationship and the woman will never forget, though she may forgive. But it can work. It will be hard, it will take earnest effort on behalf of both parties, but it can be mended.

When women cheat, that shyt is a wrap.

So what’s with the double standard? Why can guys dish out so much more than they can take?

That knotted up feeling in your stomach when you come across a suspicious email or voicemail, that stopping of your breath when you finally know what you’ve been suspecting and he’s been denying for weeks; The embarrassment of other people knowin what your man has doing before you do …We go through all that and often come back to that same relationship stronger for it. Men aren’t about to put up with the shyt we go thru.

But more than that, in my experience anyway, men and women cheat for different reasons.

When a woman cheats, it often represents a much deeper problem in the relationship. By the time she gets to the point where she’s ready to lie down with another man, she’s been putting up with the bullshyt she’s been putting up with at home for a looong time. A woman who is in love will take a whole lot for a while.

A man, on the other hand, can have it all, be completely happy, beautiful wife, great job, big pretty house, two smart, well-behaved kids, a dog in the yard, a hot meal every night and head every morning. That same man will go on a weekend trip to Vegas for an old college buddy’s bachelor party and f*ck some stripper in the hotel suite bathroom. No reason at all. He got drunk and she was there. It happens. (Not that every man isn’t shyt -- Please don’t tell me that because I do plan on getting married at some point – It’s not that. They’re just … men. They’re different from us.)

So it’s some times a lot easier for a relationship to get over a man’s infidelity bcause there is often less to get over. It was just sex. When a woman steps out, it was probably a lot more than that.

How yall feel?

-- Melyssa Ganache

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Rationing Relations: Putting up with him/her not putting out

Unfortunately, I’ve been on both sides of that there stop sign. : ) Neither view is pretty, believe me.

I was having a conversation with a good guy pal of mine the other day about the rationing of relations. He happens to be in a long-term committed relationship with his girl, but lately when they get in fights, she takes to closing down shop ie, her legs.

Not cool.

“I mean who does she think she is,” B ranted. “She think her shyt is so good that I’m supposed to beg? Man, I can hold out as long as she can. My shit is good. I put in work.”

Funny dude. And I’m inclined to agree. (Not about the D game, I wouldn’t know anything about that as we’re not that kind of friends). But really, if you and I are in a committed and sexual relationship, you’re supposed to be puttin out. Period. It’s not often that we ladies have to raise sand about not getting our due – I mean most of us can’t pump gas without some straggler trying to give us the D – but I’ve had a couple of run-ins with guys who, like the King of Pop, would rather climb trees than have sex. (Remember when he said that, sitting on a branch on TV no less? That’s when I knew Michael was crazy).

Well maybe just one guy. The first guy didn’t really like eating the appetizer which is a bit of a prerequisite for me, I’m just sayin. (Entirely too much business, I know, but I’ve had a couple of glasses of wine. Stay with me).

Anyway, he had a spiritual awakening and said he just wanted to be abstinent. Seriously? I mean, I can certainly respect one’s desire to straighten their walk, but don’t drag me into that shyt. LOL No, I’m playin, but really, at the time, I wasn’t ready to make that moral commitment, and his unilateral decision was f*cking my evenings all up. Had to let it go.

Sidebar: I so get the whole abstinence thing now, tho. In 2008, I’m on some “I have the gates of heaven between my legs” shyt. It’s not goin down. <--- And that’s not easy, by the way. I’ll blog on that later.

On the flip side tho, I’ve held out for well over a year before, no bullshyt. My girlfriends didn’t even believe me when I told them this, but yeah, really. A full year and then some. Let’s see, nearly nine months of pregnancy (it may have still been on for a few, shortly after conception, but that's about it) plus eight months (that’s how old my son was when I finally got the hell out of that crazy situation) that's just about a year and a half of celibacy. Damn.

My girl was telling me how strong I am, and if she were me she’d just have to break down and get with the BD (baby's daddy). But I did that time standing on my head. LOL. I could not stand for my baby’s dad to touch me. He was an abusive, controlling, obnoxious and generally horrible person and though he didn’t look any different physically than he did when I had been attracted to him, I became repulsed.

Women are like that, tho. We can’t just have – well most of us can’t just have – emotionless sex. If the relationship isn’t right the sex will suffer. (Men work in the opposite way, I think, trying to fix problems in the bedroom). Anyway, I was so emotionally removed from that relationship, I slept on the futon some nights. It was really bad. I should have been gone long before I was, but I desperately -- and foolishly, at all costs -- wanted a two-parent home for my son. Soo over that, by the way. He’ll be just fine.

So talk to me ya’ll. How long have you held out? How long would you hold out and how long would you wait on him or her to move past the stop sign to a green light?

-- Melyssa Ganache

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5 Kids, 3 baby daddies and she may be cheating; Should he leave?

Dear Melyssa,

I'm a 28 year-old-male that has been involved with this woman for four years. We have two kids together and she has three other babies from three different baby fathers. Most men my age would have run the other way, but I stuck it out. I'm not the type of person to knock anybody's actions, because we all have skeletons in our closet. So now we have a total of five kids. I thought we lived a good life, we just purchased a large ass house in the burbs to accommodate all these kids and we're about to buy a Chevy Suburban to drive all our kids around town. But all that changed this past Wednesday when I found out she was cheating on me. Well, I'm not 100% sure she cheated YET but I can confirm that she was supposed to be fucking one of her ex-boyfriends on Friday. Plus, I learned she was talking to another ex-boyfriend, some other nigga I don't know, and this young nigga from our old neighborhood. Also I suspect that she's fucking some guy on her job, but I'm not sure about that. I found out about all of this after snooping thru her MySpace messages.

Now we have already had numerous fights about MySpace. I also learned she communicates with all these niggas via her office phone, so I don't know how long she's been creaping.

My girl is very jealous and snoops thru my phone, mail, and all the other stuff I don't know about. I can't have phone calls from other women without her getting upset and forcing me to hang up the phone, despite the fact that it's always business related. People have told me if someone is that jealous, then maybe they're the one that's cheating. So since she invades my privacy, I started to invade hers. Now over the years she has never gave me any reasons not to trust her, plus I've never found any evidence that she was stepping out on me. Our sex life has been nonexistent for the past three months, because she has had trouble with her "plumbing". Her doctor has given her pills, but she says they are not working. Before her problems started, my sexual performance has been very bad. That's why I believe her cheating is some what my fault, but that is still no excuse. Of course I was hurt and I'm still hurting. I've never felt pain like this since I had to bury my little sister. This shit is tearing me up inside and I want to fuck something up, but I'm a calm dude. Don't get it twisted I'm not some nut ass nigga. The fucked up part about this is I was planning to marry this bitch next year. She knows that I know about her side actions because I packed my shit and left. I left on the day she was supposed to be meeting her ex, just to fuck up her whole weekend. I know that was petty, lol, but I felt that was the best thing to do at the time. I didn't talk to her about it, because I'm very fearful about what I might do to her. I plan on talking to her later today though. After we talk, do you think we should get back together? If you was in my shoes what would you do? Please help.

-- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Three kids by three different men? I don’t know whether to commend you for your nobility or shake you for your stupidity. I’m a single mother myself, but even I would have second thoughts about giving my son my blessing if he came to me one day talking about he was in love with some chick who already had a kid, not to mention three. I’d want more for him. I know about the inherited responsibility that comes with an instant family. It’s not fair. But what’s done is done and you sound like a really stand up guy, responsible, good head on your shoulders, hard-working (I mean, you are feeding five kids) … Good for you! And you’re right, I don’t know many other men who would put themselves in that situation but I’m sure those five babies are thankful.

In fact if it weren’t for the kids, I’d tell you to be gone. Like yesterday. Fast. But since there is more at stake here than just your relationship with a woman, let’s sort this through.

(And until you do get it sorted, please don’t move forward with a wedding and just make the mess messier).

She’s never cheated on you before and she didn’t get a chance to go through with her plans to cheat on you this time. I know I’m gonna catch so much hate for this but you asked for my honest opinion. I think the two of you should seriously find the root of the problem and try to fix it. That’s what I think … and let the hate begin. Lol. But really you guys got a great big family that’s on the verge of break up over this. I don’t have to tell you what a big deal that is. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting you stay together for the kids. God forbid I would ever give anybody some advice like that. That was my own problem. I’m only suggesting you work harder because of the kids. That’s all.

With that said, I don’t know if you’ll be able to work it out while you’re still in the house with her. Okay lemme explain, I dunno what you said that made me feel this way, but this is the feeling I get so I’ll just share it. I don’t think she believes you. I think she thinks you’re all bark. You’re taking care of her, five kids, just bought a house, bout to buy a car, tryna wife this chick and she’s still fuckin around on Myspace. You need more people. She’s not buyin it.

But first, you need to know it yourself: You sir, are a prize. Five kids? Five kids? Damn. And you stepped up like a champ, too? I promise you, you will not be replaced easily. And if she’s even reasonably intelligent your absence won’t have to be long before she realizes the dudes trying to get at her only want what they want. They definitely do not wanna play daddy to a basketball team.

I say you walk, decide what it’s gonna take for you to come back and give her the list. If it means pulling the Myspace page down to make you comfortable, say that. You want her to break contact with that dude she used to know? Say that. It’s not like she can’t have friends, but if you have proof that these relationships have become inappropriate, you’re well within your rights to shut it down.

A person appreciates anything (including relationships) a lot more if they had to work for it. Her shyt sounds like it’s plated up on a platter.

If you do decide to take my advice and vacay for a bit away from the house, think about this, too. This woman -- a young woman I guess, since you’re only 27 yourself -- has had three children from three failed relationships. Before you. Dyou have any idea what went wrong with those relationships? No judgment here, but that might give you some insight into what’s happening with yours.

Good luck and God bless.

-- Mel

PS I don’t think packing your shyt and bailing on the day she was set to meet with her ex was petty at all. : )

Got a situation? Want a second opinion? Hit me up at MelyssaGanache@gmail.com

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With this Ring ...

Somebody on my other blog asked me some questions about why I stayed in an unhealthy relationship with my son’s father that got me thinking about societal standards, double standards, judgement and acceptance and prompted me to write this blog. It’s really a topic of subject matter in its own right. Thx for reading, SJ!

What is it about that little piece of jewelry that gives a woman seeming stability, perceived virtue and acceptance and earns her respect from the masses? I’m just a mom, a woman with a kid. No hubby, no fiancé, no significant other. So whadamI, chopped liver?

This whole concept of “perceived virtue” is a big part of what kept me in a horrible and abusive relationship from hell for as long as I was there. Comparably short lived next to some of the Lifetime flicks I’ve seen, but my own personal purgatory none the less.

Any way, I had it in my head that, pregnant and husbandless, I was a shameful failure. I thought the least i could do for my unborn child was to ensure that he would come into this world to a two-parent home, So BD (The baby’s daddy) and I decided to try and make a go of it. Thank God we didn’t get as far as the altar, but I gotta tell you, for a minute there, I was gone.

I mean, bad. I’m taking the little diamond ring I’d gotten for my birthday a couple of years ago off my right hand and slipping it onto my left, red faced, imagining that the little old church lady on the bus across from me is shaking her head at my bulging belly and bare ring finger. I faked it for my co-workers, I faked it for strangers on the street, I even told my family I was in love, riddled with guilt from having conceived illegitimately (and amid some unrelated drama as well).

Almost two years later, I am so over it. It feels so good to be free, and to care significantly less about what people think about what I do, and how they feel about who I am. I have since learned you absolutely cannot correct one mistake with another. It is impossible. You cannot do it. And it seems like an obvious statement of common sense, but sooo many of us don’t know it.

My 16-year-old cousin is pregnant. Six months. I cried real tears when she first told the fam. She’s beautiful, she’s super smart, she has scholarships lined up for college already and she’s knocked up by some kid who does not deserve her and does not have half her talent or potential. But her uber religious parents are pushing her to marry this guy. He’s willing, by the way.

I am fuming about this and on the verge of causing a real rift, because they want the family to stand behind them in their pressuring her to tie the knot. I can’t do it.

It’s one thing to mess up, have unprotected sex and end up pregnant. It is something else entirely to think that a gold band and a government stamped piece of paper can make good on that mistake.

I may have to send them a link.

-- Melyssa Ganache

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Ask Melyssa: Half on a baby?

Hi guys, as you may or may not know, I’m kicking off a little advice column, “Ask Melyssa” every Monday. Not that I have it all together -- I certainly and absolutely do not -- but if you’d like a second opinion, shoot me a query. I love to chat about your business as much as my own. :)

Below is a letter from a brave girl who emailed me first. Thx Shawny!

Dear Melyssa,

I’m a 24 year old women and I’ve been with my boyfriend for about three years. Lately, during sex he’s been saying he wants to get me pregnant. Honestly, we haven’t been really being safe. I’m not on the pill anymore or anything and he’s just been pulling out. Don’t ask me why, stupid I guess. Neither one of us really likes condoms, but when I tried to get him to wear one the other night he wouldn’t. I don’t know if I’m ready for a kid. Same time, we’ve been together a while, I love him and I know he loves me, we are great together, we have our ups and downs but we are pretty solid about being together. So should we take the leap or not? What you think?

--Shawny Luv

Shawny,

First off, get back on the pill quick and make dude wear a condom. Tonite. Now that we’ve gotten that taken care of, I have to ask why no where in your letter do you mention marriage? Whether you’re an old fashioned girl or a more cosmo one, religious or not, if you’re thinking about having a kid, you should definitely get married first. Believe me, having a child with a man requires no less responsibility than being legally married to that person. Actually, the marriage certificate protects your rights and those of your child in ways that a mere domestic agreement cannot.

Married or not, with this guy or the next, until you are absolutely sure that you’re ready to be a mother, please have protected sex. You will get pregnant. It’s simple math, it’s the law of averages, it’s only a matter of time. Mind you, I’m speaking from experience. And though I’m sure you and your boyfriend would love the baby just the same, it’s not fair for anyone to have to come into the world accidentally. Plan it out, create a solid foundation, get your credit together and your degree game intact, make that fool put a ring on your finger and do the damn thing. You’re 24, childless and still have the opportunity to make your life whatever you want it to be without restriction. Why add a baby to the mix prematurely?

Hope I’ve helped. Ladies, feel free to chime in.

-- Melyssa Ganache

Want your query featured here? Hit me up at MelyssaGanache@gmail.com

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Geo-Monogamy: A regional relationship

You guys ever heard of this geo-monogamy? I was just introduced to the term recently by a gal pal of mine. I suppose this kind of relationship isn’t new, and just to put it all out there, I’ve been in one of these regional relationships before. You know how it goes … When you’re in town, we’re together. Nobody’s knockin on my door and you’re not answering your phone. But as soon as you take off for that flight, it is what it is. Been there. Done that. I get it. And for me, it was cool for a while. Until I started catching bigger feelings and wanted to be more than the main chick in my region of the United States.

So I can’t even imagine being in a marriage like that, sharing a child a mortgage and a life across state lines, and crossing marriage vows every time you cross those state lines. I don’t think that could work for me. But that’s what my girl does.


They have a house in one state, where she works and lives with their son, but he’s in the navy and stationed in another state, where he has his own apartment. Every other weekend, he hits the highway and comes home to be with the fam, but outside of that, his life is his own.

Technically, my girl could rightfully enjoy the same kind of freedom, only her husband’s absence really makes her more like a single mom (and I for one can vouch for the romantic constraints suffered due to the whole single momdom thing. Taint easy, ya’ll).

So in actuality, she ends up being the faithful wife and doting mother, while he lives the single life in his bachelor pad and gets to play daddy/husband in his spare time. What kinda shyt is that. I can so not relate. But this is what really got me.

This is one of my best girl friends so we share lots of our business with each other, but her hubby came home one weekend, two bags of dirty laundry in tow, as usual. But when she went to go through it and throw some things in the wash, she finds makeup all over one of dude’s shirts. Foundations, lipstick and it smelled of a woman’s perfume, she said. Between you and me, whoever the bitch was she probably did that shyt on purpose. I mean who is that messy?

Well my girl flipped out. She wasn’t mad necessarily because he got it in, like I said their relationship is one of geo-monogamy, so that’s allowed. What’s not allowed though is evidence of the indiscretion. Yes, there are rules! I couldn’t believe it when she gave me the run down:

No unprotected sex
No oral sex
No outside kids
No large gifts ie schooling, expensive jewelry, rent etc.
The chick can’t call or visit the house they share
And when he’s home, he’s home. The chick does not exist. That means no evidence.

He broke a cardinal geo-monogamy rule, I suppose. You guys ever heard a this ish? I for one, couldn’t do it.

-- Melyssa Ganache

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Long Distance: Finally, a relationship that works

I’ve been pretty candid with ya’ll about the current lack of a man in my life. I have no problem attracting them, but it’s so daunting to wade through the bullshyt, and now that I’m a mom, it’s even more detrimental that I be dilligent about my choice of company. What was once a bit adventurous at best (yknow, getting dressed up and heading to the meat market); and just tiring at worst (coming home with tired feet from those 4-inch getem girls with a cell phone full of numbers belonging to men with no promise); is now damned near impossible (a girl can’t even get a babysitter these days, you hear me?).

Anyway, I think I may have found something that works for me, (at least for now), fits perfectly into my schedule, requires little and feels just good enough, every other night around 11:45 p.m. It’s also great for flexing those creative muscles. (I’m a writer and if you don’t use em, you’ll lose em).

Wait for it.

Phone sex!


It’s no revelation I know, but actually, to women in my situation, it kinda is. I mean, I’m not technically a newbie to the whole idea of telephone relations. I made a two-year, long distance relationship work with consistently imaginative phone phucking – Okay, a year and a half maybe. That last six months we were both getting it in elsewhere. We were only human after all. But it was a fantastic run, lemme tell ya.

And right now, I’m not in a position to try to be trying to lock somebody down in a committed relationship anyway. One day, after some of this old drama that continues to rage in my life has died down. But right now, a nice lil convo and an equally nice climax and I’m good. 

And thank God for Myspace. That’s where I reconnected with my current phone friend. He hit me on my page a few weeks ago after having lost touch for a couple of years. We shared a few explosive memories (dude used to put it down, yall. Down) and kinda just fell right into our first session.

Very nice. Just a little TMI I felt like sharing, and perhaps a viable relationship alternative for you ladies who like me, would like a little but don’t have the time or interest in the chase, the games or the risk. Now you know. 

--Melyssa Ganache

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Beat it up, beat the rap: Why do men think good lovin solves everything?

I was having a conversation with a good guy pal of mine the other night. I love talking to him because he always gives me good fodder to write about. Anyway, he was complaining, as he often does, about the loveless relationship he desperately wants out of. He and his girl have been together for a couple of years and it’s headed no where fast. But you know how these things go. It takes a while to break up and it’s hard to make a clean split. So anyway, he shared with me one of his little remedies for keeping the peace at home, at least for as long as he plans to be there. Angry sex, he says. Shocker.

“Sometimes I don’t even wanna do it,” he told me. “But if I really effed up, I’m in a bind and I know there’s no way I can defend myself, I’ll just grab her and kiss her …” And it’s on and poppin, I guess.

When in trouble, put the lovin on her. Seems to work for him. And I don’t think it’s a method lost on many men.

It’s a principle even my not yet two-year-old has grasped. Whenever I catch him opening and slamming drawers and cabinets I shoot him that look that stops his little hands cold. He immediately puts his head down with this coy look he’s absolutely mastered, scampers across the room to me, climbs up my legs into my arms like monkey bars and smothers me with kisses. He’s a baby casanova. And after he’s hugged me and kissed me and said, “love you mama,” (I looove it when he says that) I’m supposed to not feel like scolding him anymore.

And clearly, grown men are no better. Put it down and problems are supposed to disappear. Don’t get me wrong, I like a nice, hot, angry, rough sex session as much as any other gal -- LOL. Really – But I absolutely hate to be done. Please don’t do me. Don’t act like we’re gonna have a real conversation about real concerns and all you’re looking for is a pause in my ranting so you can interject and enter-ject. At best, it’s a temporary solution, anyway. Whatever the shyt was we were arguing about will undoubtedly come back up sooner or later. (Perhaps sooner than later, depending upon how good that deviation was.) : ) I started reliving some of my fonder memories under this new light that my guy had hipped me to and I think I’ve been taken a few times more than I care to admit. Good times, tho. Good times.

-- Melyssa Ganache

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I just wanna choke slam somebody’s mama

I had the pleasure of spending a couple of days with Yung Joc recently. SoHH.com is working on a DVD project for the rapper and I helped cover a couple of his concerts as well as getting some face time with the block star. I was impressed. He seemed mature, gracious, patient and sincere. Not Hollywood at all. Plus, he’s a cutie pie. I had not before been a Joc fan.

So after my time with Joc and before the concert began, Jerome aka J-Class the videographer, and I were outside the venue getting fan interviews, shots of little underdressed, screaming girls all too eager to pose for our camera when I told them we were putting a DVD project together for the Coffee Shop man himself. Much of it was to be expected, I guess, and I really tried to keep my ideas of these young teens’ parents to a minimum. I mean, my mother didn’t always know what I was wearing when I left the house. I used to hide clothes and make-up in my bookbag. (Yeah, I was fast).

But then this lady walks up to me with her 7-year-old niece. HER 7-YEAR-OLD NIECE! What tha f*ck? Didn’t that kid just learn how to read last year? What, two or three years ago if her parents are working with her? What the f*ck was this kid doing at a f*cking Yung Joc concert? Are you f*cking kidding me? And she wasn’t the only one. I saw scores of little boys and girls … babies! I was outdone. I mean, I saw a whole family, mom, dad, and three daughters, the youngest of which couldn’t have been a day over nine.

I just kept singing Joc’s song in my head, “I been there/ done that/ knock the p*ssy out and have em running back/ yeah I knock the pussy out/ knock it out/ knock it out.” Just to put it all out there, I had been bumpin the song a couple of week’s before. The beat’s hot. But I’m grown! What in the f*ck is a young child doing listening to that garbage? And it’s okay!?

Sidebar: Found this clip of a silly young girl booty shakin to Joc’s “Knock It Out.”

Anyway …

Man listen, I remember saving my money so I could go cop that Luke record. “Don’t stop! Get it, get it! Pop that p*ssy! Doo doo brown!” (Singin it in my head still makes me move). But anyway, My dad, who occasionally rifled through my tapes to see what I was listening to and further gauge where my head was at (good parents may do that) found it, pulled out a chopping block (the one he placed big red steaks on) placed my tape on it and handed me the meat cleaver, (the one he used to pound those big red steaks until they were tender). Daddy was old school like that. He made me take that hammer to my own shyt. My own shyt! I bought that shyt! I was so mad. And truth be told, I just bought it again with my next week’s allowance. I think I must’ve bought that tape three times and it’s still in my collection somewhere. (I get my bullheadedness from my daddy). So yeah, I know you can’t completely shelter a child, and at some point, they’re going to do what they wanna do. But that’s no pass for parents to just concede to debauchery and condone it. Right?

I mean, I don’t even play Hot 97 when my baby’s in the car, and contrary to popular belief, I don’t think that makes me a prude or unrealistic. Same thing for videos. Seriously, some shyt just can’t be edited. (This blog, for instance?)Is it any wonder why our young girls are oversexed and our boys have an unrealistic and detrimentally false idea of manhood?

I hate to jump on the bandwagon of blaming it on the music because really, it’s more than that. When we, as parents allow our kids to listen to certain things, it may not be as much the lyrics that impact them, as our condoning their listening to it. Because in our complacency, we also condones the music’s message. If I don’t tell my son, “this is unacceptable, it’s inappropriate for you and I don’t want you listening to it,” it’s really something like saying the opposite.

So tell me mamas, where do you draw the line for music, videos and movies? Do you draw a line, is it anything goes? (Lemme find out). Sound off.

-Melyssa Ganache



Coffee Shop – Yung Joc

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