Monday, April 21, 2008

My girl's man wants it, should I tell her?

Dear Melyssa,

My best friend’s man has been trying to get at me for a while now since before they even got together. They’ve been together for about a year and lately he’s gotten real brazen with it. We’ll be all out together at a club and he’ll brush past me and say something out the way like, “you know I’ll tear that shyt up girl, just say the word,” walk right past me, into my girls arms and look at me over her shoulder with this sly smirk. He’ll even do little stuff in her face like walk past me and put his hands on my hips and say “excuse me,” to play it off like I was in his way, or compliment me on the way my jeans fit …

It’s really becoming too much. Just to keep it 100 though, the other night we were all drinking at my place after we came back from the club and my girl had gone to the bathroom. I was standing in the kitchen at the refrigerator when her man comes up to me and presses himself against me with his mouth on my neck. When he looked up to face me, I must admit I was a little gone off the Heny and we kissed. Just for a second!!! I was so stunned after that. I did not want it to happen, Mel and it cannot happen again! I don't wanna be that girl. Especially over a dude who isn't shyt because he's cheatin on his girl anyway.

But my girl is so in love with this dude. He makes good money and he takes care of her well financially. Always giving her money and taking her shopping and stuff like that. But I want her to know what kinda scum bag she’s really dealing with. I’m just scared it will change things between us or she’ll blame me for waiting so long to tell her. (We both met him at the same time at this club and he came at me first, but she was all into him on the dance floor so I backed off and he ended up getting her number and it went from there. But he’s never stopped making little comments and eye contact with me).

So should I tell her or keep my mouth shut?

-- Little Miss Secret

Dear Little Miss Secret,

This has been going on for a year? I’m gonna have to play devil’s advocate and ask why? I hate to blame the victim but I feel like in a year, you really should have shut this down. By kissing dude back, you've really perpetuated the situation. But okay, so you did it, it didn't go further than that and now you want it to stop.

At this point, you’re right, you do risk changing or ending your friendship forever. Even if you hadn't sucked face with her man, she's still gonna have a hard time believing that the guy she loves betrayed her. Couple that with your own admitted hand in his come-ons -- even if you did just recently encourage it, you still encouraged it -- and I can't see any good coming from sharing this with her.

I’ve seen friendships ruined over bullshyt like this firsthand. One of my very good friends got a little too close with the man of another of our girlfriends. She was just trying to be friendly with dude, but he took it way too far, to the point of borderline assault really. It’s quite a story. Anyway, long story short, she told our girl that her man had come onto her and our girl was furious. At both of them. She did not believe the friend’s rendition of the way things went down and ended up getting back with her man. Their friendship was over forever and I ended up unfortunately having to choose sides and losing a friend in the fallout. Terrible.

So should you tell her? Ehhh, I’m gonna say no. No woman wants to hear any shit like that and few of us are diplomatic enough to be level headed about such news. You’ve waited this long, keep it to yourself. What you do need to do tho is let dude know in no uncertain terns that it’s not goin down and that he needs to stop harassing you. Stop bein so nice smiling and shyt. (You must be smiling cause dude keeps comin back and it’s been 365 days, cmon.) Then, you need to stay away from him. Quit hangin out with your girl and her man and keep your tongue to yourself. It can only end in disaster.

That’s all. Good luck.

-- Mel


Anonymiss said...


Wouldn't you wanna know if you were dealing with scum?

Melyssa Ganache said...

Yeah I would wanna know if my man wasn't worth a damn. But if the girl isn't ready to hear it, not only will she not heed the warning but the friendship could be lost for the trouble. Do we really expect the girlfriend to break up with her man based solely on what the friend may tell her? Probably not. What it will do though is make things awkward between the two friends and might EVEN force the girlfriend to choose her man or her friend. You know what's gonna happen, the girlfriend is gonna go back to her man and say, "my friend said this, that and the other, is it true?" He'll deny it, or place the blame on the friend and will no longer be supportive of that friendship. It's hard to have girlfriends your man despises. Perhaps I'm being presumptuous assuming that the girlfriend is not mature enough to diplomatically hear what wrong her man is doing, but few of us are. I've learned to stay out of friend's and family's love issues unless asked. Twice. LOL. It's never turned out well for me. Thx for reading!

Anonymiss said...

I see your point cuz, unfortunately, a lot of women are of the "Dicks before chicks" variety.