Monday, April 14, 2008

Ask Melyssa Update: First time, shame on you ...

Second time, shame on me. That would be you, Anonymous. Argh, I’m so mad at you.

Ya’ll remember the dude who wrote in a couple weeks back because he caught his live-in cheating on Myspace? The chick has five kids, three baby daddies and he’s supporting the whole lot. Meanwhile she’s getting it in, or at least trying to get it in, with some guys form her past, reconnecting on Myspace and shyt.

I didn’t necessarily tell him to leave, but I did advise him to take a break and give ole girl some space and time to appreciate him. Dude is footing the bill for a whole basketball team, faithfully. She has a lot to ponder. But I guarantee, he wouldn’t have had to be gone but a month, if that long before she got her shyt together. Well, he didn’t have the cajones to pack his shyt and leave. SMH. Here’s a little snippet of the update Anonymous sent me.

Dear Melyssa,

Like a sucker I went back home. lol. You was right I'm all bark and no bite . . . Well actually I'm no bark and no bite. lol

Deep down I love that girl and I really realized how much I loved her after she did what she did. I now that sounds kind of corny, but it is what it is. We talked about everything, but . . . . . ughhhhhhhhh - I still don't trust her. Now I don't know if my trust issues is going to take some time for me to get over, but right now I still don't trust her. First off she gave me some bullshit excuse that she wasn't going to fuck her ex, and that she was shit talking to him. She said talking dirty to others dudes is just like a man watching porn. GET THE F*CK OUTTA HERE!!!! So basically I feel like a nut because I went back to her without getting any answers. Plus she's acting all unusally nice and shit . . . and I don't like it. I know that sounds funny but I don't like it. It's like she's putting on a front by acting nice. I guess it's out of guilt.

I know I f*cked up by going back to her so soon, and the truth will probably never come out. I have accepted that because I've done my dirt in the past (but that was when we was going together for like 6 months - I basically played my part).

Tonight, I'm going to take your advice. Instead of asking her to delete her myspace page (she can always make a new one without me knowing) I'm going to ask her if I can have her new password so I can see her messages and what not. I know she probably stepped her game up and erased all her messages. I just want to see if she's going to get all defensive and shyt. What she doesn't know is that I installed one of them Nanny programs on here computer . . . So right now I'm playing my part, waiting for her to slip up. Your probably thinking I wish this nigga would stop bitching and just leave the girl alone - the problem is I can't. I'm in love and as we all know, love will make you do some crazy shit. Besides, I have been putting up with her jealous ass for 4 long years, now it's my turn to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Dear Anonymous,

Noooo, nooo noooo, nooooo! This is all wrong. You’r letting this woman turn you into a bitch. Cmon, who does that? Checking Myspace pages? Emails, voicemails? Rummaging through top drawers and car consoles? ( I know you didn’t say all that, but it’s coming). A bitch. (Excuse me ladies, I just really need to speak to this dude right now. And yall know what I’m talking about anyway, we’ve all done it). But when a man runs up behind a chick like that, going through her shyt, looking for answers that she herself refuses to give … She will not respect you. Trust. I don’t even know how else to say it. And when the respect is gone, the relationship is a rap.

Why do you even need to read her Myspace messages anymore anyway? You already know what it was and that wasn’t enough to put a fire under your ass, give you a revelation of your own worth and make you leave. So what magical message would you have to see in her inbox to make it click for you? That’s not a rhetorical question. You should really ask yourself that. How much am I willing to put up with? It’s a process, I know. I had to go through it myself. But chances are, what you thought was your ceiling for the shyt you’d be willing to take, you surpassed months ago.

So what’s the hold? And don’t say love. If you were to say the kids, I’d have a little bit more difficulty in rebutting you, but you didn’t mention the kids. You said, “I can’t leave her because I love her.” Come on Anonymous. There’s no love without loyalty and if she’s telling dudes what nasty things she’s gonna do to them and what equally depraved things she wants them to do to her … there’s no loyalty there. You should require more than that.

And I don’t even know why I’m mentioning this, but the talking dirty to guys being like porn? Well that’s just bullshyt, but you know that. And you must also know that she’s being uncharacteristically nice because she’s trying to make good real quick. I say real quick, because it will not last. She will be back to her old antics in a hurry, just give her a minute to get comfortable. You’re playing a losing game waiting on her to slip up again. Because the next time you catch her in some shyt, if you don’t leave then, well then you’ve just completely changed the dynamics of the entire relationship. You have effectually handed her your pants and slipped on a skirt. LOL. No, really. You’re telling her you’re willing to take whatever she’ll put out and you may be mad for a minute but it’ll be all good.

My two year old tries me like that. Screaming when I make him go to bed, flip the light and say gnight. If I let him holler for five minutes before I break down and come in there to console him, he’ll yell at the top of his lungs for 10 the next time. And if I come in 10, well I might as well be prepared to stay up all night because he knows mama’s comin if he can just hold out long enough. (Sorry for the might-be-poor analogy. I relate everything to motherhood. :) ) But I think this one fits.

You’re a good dude, Anonymous. You can do better. Do better.

-- Mel

PS I’m not advocating it, but as long as you’re checking the computer, I’d love to hear more about what you find. Good luck!