It’s the Vids or Me: Is porn cheating?

Dear Melyssa,

I can’t take it anymore. Several nights out of the week around 3 a.m. I am awakened to oohs, ahhs and ass-slapping coming through the walls from the computer room. My man has this thing with porn, he watches it entirely too much as far as I’m concerned and our sex life is suffering.

I kinda feel stupid for being jealous of chicks on a screen, but I am. He spends hours on porn and gets back into bed tired and uninterested. WTF? We’ve been together for two years, living together for half that time and I’m about ready to call it quits. It’s not like we haven’t tried things. We’ve made our own videos, but he prefers to watch the pros. I’ve dressed up for him,a ll types a shit … even tried a little back door action which I had NO interest in. I did it for him. I indulge his needs and his fantasies. But I have to draw the line at this.

It’s not even like it’s an “us” thing. He likes to watch them alone. He says I’m overreacting and that every man loves porn. But I got one foot out the door. I love this man, Mel, but do you think I have a big enough reason to leave?

-- Tired of Competing

Dear Tired,

Every man does like porn. I like porn too, actually. (My fav sites are dreammovies(dot)com and magicmovies(dot)com. Great daily evolving selection of flicks and all free. Plus, you can stream full length vids, not that clip bullshit.) Tangent, sorry. But it’s an occasional variation for me. (How dyou think I was able to remain celibate for over 2 years?) Not a necessary five-times-a-week requirement. If I had a regular boyfriend, I’d probably indulge even less.

Perhaps your guy does have a problem, I dunno. but regardless as to whether it’s an unhealthy obsession or a harmless hobby, it bothers you and he doesn’t seem to be concerned with your feelings. I think that’s a bigger deal than analyzing his activity. If you can’t deal with it and it’s a big enough deal that you’re seriously considering leaving, and he refuses to do anything about it, I don’t think he loves you enough.

Sounds like a huge leap, jumping to such a definitive conclusion of his affection for you based on one lil habit. But that’s what love does, right? If you don’t like it, it makes you uncomfortable and I don’t need it anyway, then I won’t do it. Or at the very least I won’t do it in your presence. You can’t even get that respect. He’s got the speakers and shit all up in the next room.

Perhaps an argument over videos isn’t a big enough reason to leave a relationship, but your partner’s refusal to validate and address your feelings while making tangible and conscious strides to fix what you might feel like is a deal-breaker in your relationship, is. Personal opinion.

Two years really isn’t that long, anyway. Chunk the deuce.

-- Mel

Got a query? Want a second opinion? Holla.