Head Count: How many’s too many?

I hate this question but in most burgeoning relationships, it’s something like an inevitability. It always comes at the median in your time together, when things are on the verge of either becoming serious or falling off.

In my experience, it’s always after a particularly heated session. Sheets crumpled and bodies exhausted, he rolls over, meets your eyes and hits you with it.

“So, how many guys have you been with?”

Argh are you serious? Who really wants to know that? Really? I’m not convinced any man wants a truthful answer, (learned that the hard way. Once) So I’ve taken to making things up.

I mean, there’s so much pressure packed into that little question and no mater how nonchalantly the subject is broached, it’s absolutely a fork in the road. It matters. This is where you’re either approved as next level material, or condemned to a forever lesser status in his eyes.

So for a woman in her mid-20s, what’s a reasonable head count? How many’s too many?

Good question. I have no idea, but I’m open to suggestions. Seven’s been my lucky number for several years now. It’s been my experience that men don’t believe 5, and whince at 10 and 11. So I’ve settled on 7. Of course, I was using that number as my head count in college, and here I am knocking on 30, so perhaps I should up the tally.

Guys, what say you? First of all, you should never, ever, ever ask a woman that question in the first place. But should you be brave enough, what’s an acceptable response? Really.

Just wanna make sure I get it right. LOL Thx!

-- Mel

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Ask Melyssa: Am I a hoe?

Dear Melyssa,

I am 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my son’s father since I was 14. For a while he was my first and only. When we broke up I was devastated. I didn’t think I would ever meet another man that knew me so well and could make me feel so good. Boy was I wrong.

Lol, I don’t even want to give you my head count. I’m obsessed with the things that men other than him can do to my body ...



I went so long not knowing what it was like to have multiple orgasms or touch myself. Lol, I’m a straight freak now. Its like my ex had never taught me anything sexually, and now I am learning new things everyday.

My question is, am I a hoe for being “sexually adventurous” with different men? I practice safe sex ALWAYS. And I’m not going to lie and say that I don’t give it up on the first night because I DO. I make it a point to do so. I do that so that I know if I ever plan to see the guy again. It doesn’t bother me that these men may be using me just for sex, because that is ALL I want from them. I have no desire to be in another relationship anytime soon. Please give me your opinion on this.

-- Obsessed with the “D”

Dear Obsessed with the “D,”

Yeah, sounds like it. LOL. Nah I'm just kidding. No, it really does sound like it, but so what. :)

I, for one, loathe derogatory name-calling of the sexual variety. I don't do it. I also identify with where you're at right now with your sexual progression. I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy I remained with for 3 years thereafter. I thought he was blowin it out the frame till I had my second encounter. Third one was even better than that.

But it doesn't end with discovery. Well for me it didn't. I went through phases. First, something of a sexual recluse, ashamed to admit to my girlfriends that I'd given my boyfriend head for the first time, faithful beyond reproach and insistent that because I'd only had sex with one guy we were married in Gods eyes. LOL madness, I know. Then there was the coming into my womanhood phase where I set out to completely own my sexuality. I wasn't lookin for a relationship, but a good time, a great fuck and a new diary entry. Fantastic period by the way. I learned a lot and my girls and I still laugh about somea the drunken debauchery we blessed more than a few non-deserving ass dudes with. Didn't matter to me then, tho. I think that's where you're at.

But I moved past that to a place where no strings attached sex actually lost its shiny new luster and actually became more of a bore. I wanted more. I'm sure you will again, too.

Thing is, this period of your life isn't isolated. It will matter when you do get ready to settle down again. Sullied reputations are hard to clean, and once an ugly name is attached to your character it's difficult to break outta that. No man wants to sport a girl on his arm that three or four other dudes in the room have run through.

I feel your desire to try out the local fair, but be careful not to lose yourself in the process. Perhaps having a relationship right now isn't a priority for you. That's cool, you're really too young to be all tied down and monagamous anyway, but the earning of respect is a different matter. Though I'll never call you a hoe or a slut or any other woman, for that mattter, most of the guys your sleepin with on the first night do. Especially the young ones. It's not fair, it sucks, but that's what it is. And it doesn't matter if you want it just as bad as they do, when a woman lies down with a man, she puts herself, and especially her reputation, in a much more vulnerable state than he does. Nobody cares if a dude runs thru 100 chicks on the same campus, but let a girl get with two frat brothers from the same line, even if its two different semesters! LOL (This, I know from experience). Trust, you don't wanna wear that scarlet letter.

My advice is not to so much concern yourself with somebody else's idea of what a slut or a hoe is - tho to answer your question, your activity probably fits the masses' broad definitions of those ugly words - rather, be safe, be discreet, and above all else be absolutely sure you're getting your due out of the arrangement. I know you say you are, but we're women and we change our minds. Just know that when you do decide you want more ... Well its gonna be hard revisitng old flames who were never required to think of you as deserving more in the first place; and equally difficult to forge new relationships with men to whom your reputation precedes you.

But you're 20. Fuck dyou care? LOL have fun, be safe.

-- Mel


Love me some Lil Wayne ...

Prostitute Flange - Lil Wayne

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VIP Dick: Guys who skip the velvet rope

So I told ya’ll about the married guy that I’ve been having a text/phone affair with that I’ve been going back and forth about hooking up with. The “back” is because my moral compass continues to nudge me to the right as I steadily insist on drifting to the left; the “forth” is because dude has the stamina of a work horse and knows me oh so well.

He’s an old flame. He’s a family man now, but when we reconnected on Myspace several months back, it was like 5 to 7 years ago all over again. Like no time had past. I fell right back in. (Thx Cutie and others for the words of warning. I KNOW I need to heed them. Lord, give me strength).

Anyway, I guess one of the reasons I’m having such a hard time definitively telling this guy no, is because I never really have before. Ever. Hooked from day one, ya heard. : )

Not only have I never told him no, I have expressly, in the throws of passion, sworn to him that I would always tell him yes. You know, “This is your pussy … I never want you to stop fucking me … ” and all manner of other things. I kinda meant that shit, too.

He’s one of my VIPs.

You know, the dudes who get in through the VIP entrance; who do not have to wait in line; who do not have to meet the same standards you might apply to other partners; who don’t have to call two days ahead of time; for whom you’ll drop just about anything that can be dropped when he’s in town; and you lay that shit out for him when he gets there … that guy. They just get to slip right through the velvet rope, no ID check, no pat down, no hassle by security, none a that shit. Aaaallll love.

I know we women know what it is, but I think the idea of VIP dick is a little known phenomenon among the male population. Even the guys that are walkin around holdin their celebrity members don’t always know what they’ve got. A male friend of mine was completely confused when I told him about it.

“So what is it like a secret society or something?” he asked.

“No, not exactly. I mean, my VIP might not even make another chick’s list. It’s just the guy who does it for me, for whatever reason. Digital, for instance.”

He knows the whole sordid story behind that fiasco, so he immediately understood the example.

“Ok so it’s just a dude who got you hooked from the gate and you just can’t let it go,” he paraphrased.

“Yeah, something like that.”

I’ve actually got a couple on my list. Two. And of course everybody else falls into a pyramid-like hierarchy; you don’t like everybody the same. Some you like better than others, some you like better for some things than others, or at some times … But those select VIP dudes … man! Whenever, however, whatever. It’s like that.

Ladies, who knows what I’m talking about? Guys do you have a comparable category for women? I wonder.

-- Mel

Jay said it so well ...

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Wanting a married man. Should I?

Dear Melyssa,

I had this fantastic relationship in college. The sex was crazy, dude’s stamina was unsurpassed and for a time, I thought I might have been in love. Then I graduated, left the state and moved on with my life. Recently though – which is years later-- dude found me on Myspace and we’ve been talking. Emails turned into texts. Texts turned into late night convos, which eventually became regular and explosive phone sex a couple times a week. We live a few states a part and are even making plans to meet up for a lil four-day vacay. I am so excited I can hardly contain myself. I haven’t been done the way this guy used to do it since the last time we did it and I am DUE. LOL. Thing is, Mel, he’s married.

I’m not tryin to break up a happy home. He’s given me no illusion that he’s about to leave his wife or anything like that. And I’m not even in a place where I’m lookin for a super committed relationship. But a few sweaty, limb-locking days with this guy would really hit the spot right about now. It’s just sex, right? I know I’m rationalizing, but would you do it?

Damn, Mel, I wanna do it.

-- Wanting a Married Man So Bad

Dear Wanting a Married Man So Bad,

Man, you and me both. So crazy that I have a strikingly similar story to tell. Same thing, I had this torrid affair with a guy in college. Hadn’t seen or heard from him in about five years and hadn’t been with him in even longer. A few months ago he hit me on Myspace. (Myspace is a motherfucker, aint it? Ruinin marriages and getting niggas caught up and shit. Stay off Myspace!) Anyway, the chemistry was soooo the year 2000! I mean damn! It was like no time had passed. We’re talking and shit, reminiscin … “Remember when you used to do that? Remember when I used to do this?” All that shit. Well, dude’s married with two kids. There’s life for ya.

But this guy had me so fucked up, Wanting, that for a minute, I aint even care. Ugly and shameful, I know. So we made plans and he was supposed to come see me. (Yes, I was still celibate at this time, but he’s always been something like a “velvet rope” guy for me. You know the dudes who get the VIP entrance and don’t have to wait like errybody else? That’s another blog). Anyway, he was one of those.

So we began making plans. He was gonna take a trip to my place. I was gonna bake him strawberry cake and we were gonna have a satisfying sexcapade in every room of my apartment. Girl! And then, he pulled out. (No pun intended). Said he couldn’t do it. Said his marriage wasn’t so bad that he could justify stepping out on his wife. Damn. I felt like shit about it but had to respect it. It’s one of the reasons I like him so well anyway. He’s a stand-up guy.

Then a few weeks later, we’re at it again. He doesn’t knw what he was thinking when he cancelled his visit and would give anything to see me. So again, we made plans. Then, I pulled out. This is borderline madness at this point, I know. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I mean, as much as I’d like to so, so, so, so, so bad, this dude is somebody’s husband and two other people’s father. That’s kinda deep. I wasn’t tryin to get my blessings cut short.

But damnit if that nigga didn’t reel me right back in. He’s a freak and freaks are had to find, what can I say. So now it’s lookin like October … I’ll let ya’ll know. Don’t tell nobody. : )

Anyway, Wanting, I say all that not to steal your shine – this is about you – but to say, you know the shit is wrong. It’s really about what you can live with. That’s all.

Lemme know how he works it out it works out for ya. : )

-- Mel

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To Spit or to Swallow? That is the question

I’ve been thinking a lot about sucking dick lately, call me crazy. I suppose it’s all part of this natural regression I’m going through, fresh off a hot, steamy, weekend tryst and trying my hardest to safely settle back into celibacy (which includes oral sex for the ass hole dude who didn’t seem to know that. Jackass). I will resist the penis. I will resist the penis, I will resist the penis. : )

Anyway, it became the topic of discussion with the girls the other day and we got to swapping stories. (My friends are some freaks, ya’ll. I mean).

Anyway, so we did a lil round table. “Spit, or swallow?”

Four out of 6, y’all, 4 outta 6 a these chicks are drinking their breakfast. I was kindalike whoa. Is that what’s hot in the street? I mean, I’ve always thought myself to be a sexual progressive. But I’m a little late on this one. So I did a lil research for y’all and thought I’d share.

Turns out, swallowing does a body good. I’m sure some of my freakier readers knew that. According to sexpert Jane Greer, Ph.D.:

Semen contains at least 13 prostaglandins and high concentrations of hormones that retain potency if taken orally. The quality of the seminal hormones is thought to be superior to even prescription versions. In a study, women who regularly consumed their lovers sperm showed such benefits as a reduction in ovarian cancers, lowered depression and many even had acne symptoms lessen or stop entirely. It is thought that the oral consumption of the potent hormones had a balancing effect on woman's hormonal ups and downs caused by their periods and pregnancy or breastfeeding.

The key though, ladies, is “regular consumption.” Anniversaries and birthdays, or even once a week, isn’t good enough to reap the benefits. According to the study, the women who got results sucked and swallowed four to five times a week. Yes, damn near every day. Dayum. Lol.

I’m not endorsing it (officially, online, that is). I’m just putting the info out there.

So what’re you guys willing to do for your man in the boudoir? Please hit up the survey to the right and let me know. (And don’t lie. Be grown about yours. Damn) Thank y’all.

I dunno when it’s gonna be, but the next one’s gonna be a lucky ass motherfuker. AND I'm gonna blog about that shit. LOL.

-- Mel

P.S. Why is giving a blowjob the healthiest thing you can do in the morning?

Because it comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot. Stay healthy; suck a dick. <--- I’m so sorry. Somebody Fwdd me that bullshit on my cell. LOL.

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Once Bi: Can my man really give up men?

Dear Melyssa,

I met this guy about 6 months ago and we’ve been together ever since. He’s perfect, Mel. Fine as hell, good ass job, no kids, never been married, educated, funny, loving, sex off the chain … Dayum! I mean, PERFECT. Until he told me he’s been with a dude before. WTF?

He sat me down and told me he sees no difference between having a relationship with a woman or a man. When he’s looking for a partner, he’s looking for certain characteristics, not necessarily a gender. He told me he’s only had one relationship with a man though and has been with all women before and since. But he says he doesn’t regret it and doesn’t see a problem with it and he could be in a relationship with a man again.

Same time, he says he loves me, wants to be with me, feels completely fulfilled with me and he will not step outside our relationship. The thing about him being with another man in the future is only if at some point we don’t work out.

Mel I’m bout to be 30, grown as hell and not about games. I wanna get married, I wanna have kids and I wanna live a good life and not have to want for anything. This man wants all of those things too and can give them to me. We agree on everything else, but I can’t get this gay shit outta my head. It makes me sick to my stomach every time I think about it. How the fuck am I supposed to get over this? Can I really believe that when we go out he’s not gonna be checkin for dudes? I just don’t know what to do! I want it sooo bad. But damn. A dude?

-- Not So Fine Bi Me

Dear Not So Fine Bi Me,

Love the name. (You so crazy). Damn. Bi? Shit. That’s fuuuuuucked up. LOL. Really though, I gotta give your man props for even comin clean at all about this. I respect his point of view but personally find the shit nasty and unattractive. You sound like you’re settling to me. Why? Don’t you deserve better? I don’t even think the issue is whether or not he’ll actually be monogamous, or whether he’ll be heterosexually monogamous but cheat on you with dudes, or whether you’ll catch him stealing glances at guys on the street, or staying on the boxing channel a couple seconds too long while he’s flippin thru … or any of that. The issue is that whether it’s warranted or not, you will never stop worrying about that shit. Sounds like a set up for misery to me. Don’t do it. And stop making it so hard for you to make the decision you know you need ot make by saying he’s perfect in every other way. That nigga’s not perfect, he likes dick! So fuckin what he makes good money and makes you laugh! So what he’s never been married and doesn’t have kids. Wonder why? LOL.

For real tho, you deserve better so you have to require better.

About the homo shit tho, at some point, it’s gonna come out. He says he can only be with you, but if he likes dick, he likes dick. At some point it will become a struggle for him. Even if he’s strong enough to resist, do you want to lie next to a man havin that kind of inner turmoil? Fantasizin about the delivery dude at work and shit while he’s on top of you? Even if he’s not hittin dude off. Don’t even do it to yourself and please don’t delay in ending this relationship. It will only become more difficult to do what you need to do, which s to leave it alone.

-- Mel

Got a query? Holla.

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Suckey, suckey: Is any sex act more sacred than another?

I was out with a guy the other night. Really. Actually it’s our second time getting together. We went out for Thai. The convo was flowing well, the smiles were beamin and all that and he was talking about retiring to his place to watch this movie he just got on DVD. Right.

It was as good a time as any to let him know what he was in for – not much. So I hit him with my new celibacy rap. (Remember, I told you guys it’s locked down for 08, but then I had that unfortunate mishap a few weeks ago -- which I am completely over, by the way -- but stay with me; this was before that moment of weakness).

So anyway, it went like this:

“So you should know,” I began coolly. “I’m not having sex right now.”

He so didn’t know how to react. Just kinda nodded his head and took it in.

“So, you’re not having sex like … like until when?”

And with a straight face. I can’t make these things up. (Tho, I suppose it was a legitimate question. Guess he wanted to go ahead and mark his calendar; come back on a better day).

“Well, I don’t know. I just have no immediate plans to enter a physical relationship. I need to be really sure and equally serious about the next man in my life.”

Quiet.

“I mean, I like you, that’s why I’m telling you this from the gate. I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings,” I explained.

“Uh huh,” he said. “So, what, you’re waiting to get married? You found Jesus?” We laughed uncomfortably.

“I have Jesus,” I chuckled, “But no unfortunately it’s not just the strength of my faith that brought this on. I mean, I don’t necessarily plan on waiting until I’m married, but I certainly want to be able to see that kind of future with the person.”

No pressure or anything. LOL. He fumbled in his noodles with his chopsticks, bummed out and I nursed my dessert wine a little more, waiting on him to make some inevitable excuse to end the date prematurely. No point in going on if it’s not goin down, right?

Then he suddenly lifted his head as if he’d had a revelation.

“So when you say physical, do you mean just sex, or … I mean, do you mean everything?”

“Um, whadyou mean, ‘everything?’” I asked looking real confused in the face.

Is this nigga serious? Is he askin me to suck his dick over this dinner table?

“I mean, you know--” he stuttered.

I wanna wrinkle my face. I wanna cut him off and finish his sentence in a way that will let him know I am in no way game for oral sex in lieu of regular sex. I wanna abruptly top his sentence off with something like, “you mean kissing? Holding hands? Sure.” But I’m quiet and my face remains still.

His sentence is like a train wreck. I can’t look away. I really want this dude to get his complete thought out of his mouth just so I can actually believe what he’s about to say, though it will also mean I won’t be able to take his calls anymore. What’s going down right now is a direct violation of the Qualifying Process (which I’ll also be blogging on later) and his name and number will absolutely have to be deleted from my cell phone directory. Hate that. But I will not stop him.

“You know,” he leaned in over the table as if to whisper but over enunciates the word, “oral?”

I burst into laughter and choked on my wine. My sip had become a guzzle at the beginning of his last sentence.

"I mean, okay you don't do everything, but you don't mind helping your partner out, do you?" He asked, trying to clean things up but muddying them irrevocably.

“Do I what?” I asked as if I hadn’t understood him. He’d been crystal.

“I mean, if you don’t want to have sex, I understand that, but at some point, I mean, we can’t even enjoy each other?”

Okay, now he’s backtracking. He shoulda started off with “enjoying each other” but went straight for the dome instead.

“Uh. No,” I said flatly. Needless to say the conversation pretty much fell off from there and the check came shortly thereafter. LOL.

And just to keep it 100, I’m not above putting out the Magnificent <-- That's a word a girlfriend of mine made up for fire head, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be quizzed about exactly what acts I’m willing to perform and what acts I’m not as a prerequisite for you deciding if I’m worth another date. Kill yourself.

And what makes him think if I’m not fuckin that I might just be suckin, anyway? I mean, I’ve heard of chicks just going down when they won’t have sex, because it’s not as “serious” as sex, and viewed more as foreplay. I think this is more a white girl thing, tho. (Shouts to my snow bunnies. Thx for reading. Holla). And by the way I do believe oral sex is sex.

Sidebar: Tho I do still tell people I lost my virginity at 18 because that’s when I had intercourse for the first time, though at 16, my high school boyfriend was going down on the regular after 2:30 p.m.. (Rare breed. Never asked for anything in return. He was just happy to be there). But then I also don’t count the guy at college camp when I was 17 which did culminate with actual “sex,” I guess. I’ve kinda blocked it out. He’s a freebie. (We all have them; the ones who don’t count toward the grand tally. LOL That’s another blog). And anyway, that’s not the point.

I say all that to ask this …

Do you hold one sex act more sacredly than another? Is oral a free-for-all, while vaginal is coveted and anal is the holiest of holies? Or is the bedroom like a great big buffet for yall, tossed salad layed out right next to the main entrees and shyt? LOL. Just askin. Hit up the survey, please. Preciate ya.

-- Mel

Had he kept his foot outta his mouth he mighta gotten some hand action. : )

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Lessons Unlearned: 2 years and I give it up for nothing

I’m bummed y’all. I try not to use this blog as a personal diary, but rather, a place to write and get feedback about issues that pertain to the lot of us, using stuff I’ve been through or friends or family have been through, as a catalyst for discussion.

But no Ask Melyssa Monday, today. Can we just talk?

So, I met this guy, right. It happened fast. He's a friend of a friend. We hung out all day and went out that night. We had great conversation, what I thought was a great connection, and we just clicked. The drinks were flowing, the night was creeping into morning and he’s the best kisser ever. I don’t even like kissing, but I think we must have lip-locked for over an hour. You know how you used to kiss when kissing was all there was, before it became a prelude to sex? It was like that. Only it actually was a prelude to sex. (I'm a grown ass woman, dog. :) ) Anyway, it wasn’t over-the-top romantic, but bumbling, spontaneous and passionate just the same. The stuff great vacation memories are made of.

I flew out a couple days later.

So I’ve been holding onto these images, happy as a lark, re-living them in my head and anxiously looking forward to my next vacay to his city. (And by the way, he footed the bill for the plane ticket for this next vacay which is slated to take off shortly).

But then today, I find out that he had a strikingly similar interlude last night with some other chick. (A white girl actually. Shouts to my snow bunnies. Is it racist that I find that as more of a blow than if the indiscretion had been with a sister? Just askin.) Anyway, perhaps this sounds stupid to the more evolved of my readers, but I am so angry. My stomach is in knots like I’m 17 and I feel hurt and betrayed. My ego’s bruised bad. (That is stupid, right? I mean, he is absolutely and definitely not my man).

So really, what am I angry about? No love was ever professed, we were not committed and quite frankly, the way things happened with her are strikingly similar to the way things happened with me – Late at night, after a long evening of partying, drunken and giggling in the dark ... I got all the dirty details today and it was the same exact run-down. Same club, same sofa … everything. It’s like his M.O. (Oh my gosh, this just occurred to me. Could he think that’s my MO, too?)

So I guess when it was me, it meant nothing. Why is that so hard for me to grasp? Especially being that it went down like it was nothing: quickly and easily with nil courtship. Still, it felt special just the same. Aren’t women silly that way? Of course, nothing that happens quickly or easily is special. How can it be? I really thought I was past this kind of diluted girlish thinking. I have clearly not matured as much as I thought I had.

How is it that men and women can feel so very differently about the same experience? Why is it that when it’s just you and him, it’s like it’s only you and him? Like because you’re the only woman in the room, you feel like the only woman in his world … So nonsensical, but doesn’t it feel that way?

I am so sick of learning this lesson. I will be sooo glad when I just get it.

And I am so celibate. Again.

-- Mel

PS: He doesn't know I know, by the way. When I see him though, I haven't decided how I'm gonna handle it. I won't be staying with him during my trip, but had planned on seeing much of him before all this came to light. Someone suggested I take him for as much as I can. (He has money and likes to throw it around, as you can see, buying $400 plane tix and shyt for women who clearly mean absolutely nothing to him <--- points to self). But I don't even think I could play him like that, tho I imagine it wouldn't be difficult. I genuinely liked him. Sucks. Meantime, I've deleted his number from my cell to keep me from calling and saying something rash. I want to be cool and deliberate when it's time, not angry or emotional. I'll let y'all know how this one rounds out.

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